Interested in some constructive criticism? Want to know what awards I've judged? This is the place where I'm keeping track of informal feedback requests, detailed scoring for awards, full book reviews, and anything else of that nature. If you're int...
Full title:A Ballad of Falling Light || Original Applyfic [CLOSED] by XxFaylinexX Source: Blossom Awards 2024 Category: Fantasy Mature: N (explicit language) Status: Complete Special note: LGBTQIA+ (cultural views of relationships/romance/family units in informational chapters preceding the story, no actual romance in the story) Round 1: 37/40 Round 2: Judged by NoelleAnn397
Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.
*****
Round 1 total: 37/40
Title: 10/10 I don't know what an applyfic is, but I like the title, anyway. 🙂
Blurb/synopsis: 10/10 I can't find anything wrong with this, except I'd like a pronunciation guide for Phoinixian. Your grammar is spot on, and, although I usually prefer shorter blurbs, I don't think you should cut or change anything with this. Great job.
Cover: 8/10 The color of the font and the wreath isn't quite right for me. I think gold would look better against the blue background? I don't know. It's something to play with. But that's the only issue, the color mismatch between the background and the font/wreath. Maybe dimming the background a bit? It's just a little harder to read than it should be. So, anyway, just something to play with. But I like the content and placement of the text and wreath.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 9/10 Okay, you just blew my mind. How do you create a world and a plot and still make a way to incorporate the characters other people create into your story? Wow. And I can't find a single error in grammar, spelling, punctuation, anything. Great job. (And I wish I could zoom in on the maps on the site the same way I can on the app...) Oh, and tagging this as "diverse" or "lgbtq+" would be nice so people know to expect that.
I found an error! Under the characteristics for Phoinixians, you're missing an "a" before "geometrical pattern." I point this out because it's the first error I've found. Oh, wait, there's a "their" that should be "there." I have to really look for any errors in your writing (which is a compliment, by the way).
I couldn't find anything wrong with the section for Nerinea. This is a really interesting, deep world.
The second paragraph of the section on Gizoi has an error, or a stylistic choice that could be smoother, anyway. "...They say to be..." would read smoother as "...they say they are." And a missing parenthesis in the first paragraph under "Characteristics." Later on, it should be "useful," not "usefull."
So, when I go into a Starbucks to pick up my order, I like to try to sneak in and out without being greeted, because their employees are that good at greeting everybody. I feel that way while I'm reading your story. It's so well-written, and it's so hard to find an error, that I almost want to jump up and down and point. But, anyway, there's a "to" that should be a "too" in the characteristics section for Ventus, a "have" that should be a "had" under the society section, and when I decided I'd include everything that came before the first chapter in my judging, I did not know about your story. XD
I love how you include the line, "Honestly, the war was all their fault," with each new clan/species. It adds a touch of dry humor, and also points out how multifaceted something like war is - it's not something that one singular thing causes, and it's a mistake to try to pin it down to one thing or blame one person or group. Under the society section for Phaos, the second paragraph has a sentence that needs a little work. It's the one about the importance of the army now being greater than their geographical location for defense. Oh, and a content warning about mild explicit language (or strong, if it gets that way) would be a nice addition to the blurb.
Okay, so in the Schaduw characteristics section, there's a "were" that should be a "was" in the second paragraph. And the "who'd" would read better as "anyone."
The cast section is where you further blow my mind. I just don't know how you do this level of collaboration. There's an "exclucing" that should be "excluding." And I love your note about it being a tragedy and you hurting them a lot with a little heart. I write stories with happy endings, but I like to say that I want my protagonists to suffer more than I do, just to make me feel better about my situation, and then get a happy ending, because somebody should, even if it isn't me. ;)
Oh, I love this prologue. The little details you add, the obvious love between the man and woman, the curiosity of the children, the ballad - amazing. You are an awesome writer.
Chapter 1 is off to a blazing start (for Phoinixians, anyway). In the first paragraph under the second section, there's an extra "over" in the last sentence, but that's the only error I could find, and I love Eunike's snide thoughts about the incompetent queen and the other imbecilic generals. The interactions between the members of the war council are outstanding, and I'm already voting for Eunike to not die, if only for her sharp tongue (even if it only lashes out internally). The amount of sheer information you've put together leading up to this point is just staggering, and I know you didn't do it all on your own, but you collated it all, and you're writing it, and I'm just staggered. I bow to the master.
