Silver Linings

Chapter Thirty-Three

Ellie's POV:

Three weeks.

Three weeks of moping around my apartment.

Three weeks of Misty and Rosie hovering.

Three weeks without Rain.

It's almost like nothing ever happened between the two of us. She won't even look at me. Like I was never even here. Sometimes, the only proof I have that something did happen is the pain.

The pain in my chest everytime I look at the older woman. The guilt I feel in my stomach when I remember how poorly I handled that day. The anger I feel in my bones when I remember the way she trusted me to express my limits and I didn't do so.

I mostly feel disappointed in myself.

I love Rain Cloud. I've known that for months now. And the sad thing is I think she might feel the same way about me.

She never said anything of the sort out loud, but I could feel it.

It was in the way a smile graced her beautiful face everytime I walked into a room.

The way her kisses lingered just a little bit longer than someone that didn't care would.

The way she reacted to the news that I was possibly leaving.

The problem was never whether she loved me or not though. The problem was her inability to love herself.

I thought I could love her enough for the both of us but I failed. I let it consume me and suffocate me as we stayed locked away in our flats. So much so that just one visit from my mother was able to ruin that fragile relationship we had going.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I have let my mother walk all over me my entire life. She has treated me like an object in her life rather than a living breathing person. A piece of property she could do with what she deemed fit.

That night at Rains, I felt the same way. Just something to use. Something to let off steam. Just another toy in the playroom.

I should have said something.

I know Rain would have understood no matter how upset she was. The panicked look on her face when I safe worded said as much. But I can't go back and change things now. And I don't know if I would want to if I could.

Being with Rain in was a utopia.

But it was also fake. We were pretending everything was perfect and easy when in reality we were just ignoring everything that was imperfect.

All the hard things to talk about were ignored in favor of sex and cuddles. Never once telling each other how we really felt.

Once I told Misty about everything that happened she said we both were absolute idiots and she wasn't going to get into the middle of it. Rosie on the other hand was ready to fight Rain for treating my feelings like they were nothing when she found out.

Now the two of them are cordial enough for the team. It's easy enough seeing as Rain has apparently stopped staying at her flat altogether. I am pretty sure she is staying with Micah and Ingrid so we only really see her at practice and games.

Our pre game nights have ceased to exist. Instead I find the younger Cloud sister in my bed most nights, snoring away while I look at the ceiling until my eyes can physically no longer stay open. I am so tired.

And when I look at Rain I know she is tired too. To everyone else she just seems a little grumpier than usual but when I look at her and see her eyes devoid of emotion, I know she is struggling as much as I am.