Silver Linings

Chapter Thirty-Two

DISCLAIMER: This one may be a little bit harder to read for some. Just remember to breathe. ~ <3 R

Rains POV:

I stood in that room staring at the two cuffs still hanging on the wall.

I could still hear her gasps for air long after she was gone.

I broke her. Just like I knew I would if I got involved with her.

Watching her tremble on the floor of my play room was one of the worst experiences of my life.

She had trusted me to take care of her. She gave all of herself to me and I was so blinded by my anger that I didn't even think about how she was feeling.

I pushed her too far. I didn't pay attention to the signs that she was uncomfortable. And now that I am looking back there were definitely signs.

Fuck! I am so fucking stupid.

All this time my biggest fear was her leaving me.

When her mother handed her that contract at the table I felt paralyzed. She was going home. She was going to leave me.

Or so I thought.

If I had just talked to her about it before jumping to my own conclusions before punishing her...

I am a fucking idiot.

I couldn't stay in that apartment any longer. Everywhere I looked I saw Ellie.

Laying in my bed, telling me her favorite color. Standing in the kitchen in only my t-shirt pouring coffee. Cuddled up adorably on the couch quoting the Harry Potter movies word for word.

Tucked into a ball trembling on the floor of my playroom.

The room suddenly felt like it was getting smaller and I sprinted out of the apartment as tears I didn't even know were there fell down my face.

I made it down to my car and cranked it to life peeling out of the parking lot and into the warm afternoon sun.

I drove for hours. I drove until the sun went below the horizon.

Why do I ruin everything?

I had Ellie. She was mine and we both knew it. And I wanted her, forever if possible. So why the fuck couldn't I just be hers too. Why did I take every last drop she gave me and continue to not give her the one thing she wanted. The one thing she was too polite to ask for. Me.

Why did I think that just sex and cuddles would be enough?

Because I am a piece of shit. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anything really. Maybe I don't even deserve to be here.

I looked out at the ocean from the cliff I was driving along and the thought of just turning the wheel and veering over it came to the forefront of my mind.

It would be so easy. It would be what I deserved. It would put an end to all of the pain and hurt I cause others.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's not just now. It's everything. The guilt I have felt for a long time.

This isn't the first time I have felt like this.

My only purpose in life was raising my sister. So I did that. I played soccer well enough to get her out. I owed it to her.

She only moved out before Christmas last year. It was hard watching her leave. That gym that I would spend most of my time in used to be her room. I impulsively had it built a few days after she moved out.