👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R28 Finding Death

👵》Cover / Title
The title is in line with the theme of the story, it even opens with the contemplation of death (Questioning the point of living) and the first chapter even ends on the same note (Wanting to die), could do with a more fitting cover but understandable. Readers write not make covers. 😂 But it would help!

👵》Blurb/Story Description
The story introduces the theme of death, but not much else? It could potentially be a love story too. There's tags and genre but I try not to look at them because Blurbs usually establish what to expect from the story. My question is, what is the main conflict? Stakes and goals? Usually they are established in the blurb to hook readers into reading. Definitely need a stronger blurb IMO, it is an interesting story after all.

👵》World
The cage deserves a description in my opinion, it is the hamster's home after all but everything else is described well. Not much to say here.

👵》Plot & Conflict
Since the blurb doesn't establish much, reading the first chapter it seems that Hamster wants to die and the boy wants to be a great football player. (Considering he is so good at it). Characters and the world are introduced but motivation, conflict and stakes need to be established clearly. Maybe more backstory as to why Julian wants to die.

👵》Characters
The character is introduced early (which I like), and you do use the five senses to help readers imagine though I think working on more appropriate words would be great. For example, instead of "wetting my tiny hands" you could write "licking my tiny hands" instead.

And of course instead of being harshly picked up you could say, "Blunt aches all over my body as he picked me up" or something like that. Show and don't tell that kind of thing. Could even add emotional spin to it, highlight the strength difference between hamster and human, and play on mental terror of being at the mercy of a giant.

I am not a fan about the hamster knowing what a boarding school is though 😂 not very hamster feel hehe. But I like him though!

Character descriptions is good though!

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
Never read a story with Hamster as a POV 😂 Took me by surprise but interesting though I think the writing feels a bit choppy, pauses every few words (messes with reading flow). It has good POV, and I think Hamster POV is interesting but could definitely make it more "Hamster feel" because at the moment it feels like a human in a hamster body.

There are several misuse of words, at the top of my head would be, "Time travel" and "A girl grabbed me quiet roughly" when I think you mean "Travel time!" and "A girl grabbed me quite roughly"?

It is well written though lacking in direction?(plot wise), feels like I still don't know what the story is about by the second chapter, no clear plot and hence no conflict / tension let alone stakes, Julian doing the heavy lifting for the story 😂 He's probably the only reason I continue reading.