👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R22 The Obscure Downsides of Fame

👵》Cover / Title
I think the cover and title fits the story, definitely has that relationship under scrutiny vibe to it with the camera. The cover is nice but the title could be better hehe.

👵》Blurb/Story Description
The story is about how depression makes it hard for Oakley to work, and how anxiety is holding Nolan back. Conflicts are obviously how they deal with their mental health issues while juggling relationships and work, which I think most can relate with but there is a lack of hook. A blurb is where you convince readers to read your story so you need something that really catches attention, which I feel the blurb doesn't have yet.

👵》World
Definitely needs more scenery, I think the whole time I was reading I was just in the character's head? There is definitely a lack of visuals in the story so I would definitely recommend setting the scenes where the characters are to have some visual backdrop. Yeah, very character introspection heavy it started feeling like intrusive thoughts. 😂

👵》Plot & Conflict
I expect to be introduced to the character in a depressive episode, showing how it affects him internally and externally but I didn't see it in play early on so maybe start with that scenario instead? The early part is definitely not doing enough to pull me into investing further into the story at the moment.

👵》Characters
There is a lack of character descriptions, though I do get a sense of the character, maybe too much 😂 I feel like the character is not very interesting but I think it's just the scenario he is in, definitely need to introduce him in a better light for him to shine. At the moment he is not very compelling.

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
I think the phrasing and sentences could be improved because it does feel weird sometimes, choppy, there are a lot of breaks when I read the story that it messes with the reading flow. And there are sentences that could be made simpler for easier reading. Example; "As if on cue, the car stopped and Mason and I got out." Could be changed into "The car stopped and we both got out"

But in general, I do find the lack of visuals off putting, the world the characters are in and the characters themselves aren't really there for me to imagine that it really feels like just a bunch of texts. So yeah, definitely need more descriptions in the story IMO.