𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐋𝐋

C H A P T E R T H I R T E E N

Valerie

          The application for the library shakes in my hand. The constant fear about my father finding out this is for bad intentions ways through my mind. It's like I'm causing a sin and he's my punishment. I constantly go through the day walking on eggshells cracked by him intended to hurt me. I don't know why. Was my birth so inconvenient for him?

          I pulled my keys out and unlocked the door. Going inside I could smell the scent of a Makgeolli soy candle. This might be a sign that my father was in a good mood. He loves the scent of this candle and whenever he lights it he's usually in a good mood. This might even be the best opportunity to speak with him.

          I used this time to enter the kitchen where I saw him cooking food. I notice the Makgeolli soy candle beside him as he steals a few whiffs from it. He starts to hum a melody that I do not recognize. At this moment I see the person my father used to be. It was rare for me to see him like this. He's a completely different person now.

          I can feel my eyes burn with tears as I reminisce about all the old times. It was so long ago that I didn't even think it existed. I thought I made it up as a way to cope but old pictures do not lie. None of the old pictures are up on the walls because my father refuses to even remember that past time. He hides from the third person just as I do. My mother.

          She left us when I was four. After she left my father went berserk and tore off all the photos. He claimed she had no right to be up on the wall after she abandoned us. That was the day everything changed. The constant burn out, the non-stop comparison between me and her, and the bond between a daughter and a father being my worst nightmare. I started to live a different life.

          I hid one old picture inside my phone case. I rarely look at it but when I do I'm shocked with how much my mother and I look alike. Sometimes I wonder if the reason he hates me so much is because of how much I look like her.

          It would explain everything. It would even explain my own self hatred. I look like the woman that left and caused my father to change into a monster.

          Why would I say that?!

          Saying those cruel words, thinking them. I don't have a right to be selfish. I don't have a right to blame anyone but myself.

          "Valerie, why are you just standing there?"

          My father broke me out of my thoughts. I didn't realize I was standing here the whole time.

          "Sorry." I said sincerely. "I just wanted to show you something but I didn't want to interrupt you." My palms grow more sweaty with each word and the papers feel as if they're about to slip away.

          "Is that so?" He asks and I shake my head instantly.

          "Well then, let's save that for dinner. I'm almost finished." He stirs the spoon in the pot a few times. "Go to the dinner table and wait there."

          I excuse myself out and head to the table. Five minutes later my father comes out with what he cooked. It's rare to see him cook which is another sign of him being in a good mood. Usually I'm the one that cooks because of how much he works.

          "Jal meokkesseumnida." My father says as he puts his hands together. I say and do the same after him. After we start eating, we have no conversation for a few minutes. The tension was building up and I knew I had to break the silence at some point.

          "Father, this is what I wanted to show you." I hand him the papers and show no fear. He'll see right through me if I show fear.

          He scanned through the paper but kept a stern facial expression. He was good at those and it was always hard to know what he was thinking of at those moments. He stared at the paper for a while.