Misguided Ghosts (a Severus Snape love story)

Chapter 18: Her grave

CHAPTER 18

Snape's POV

Empty, empty, empty, empty, empty.

That word echoed over and over in my head so many times that day as I sat behind my desk, glaring down at the students as the stirred their potions. It had been approximately six days, eighteen hours and four and a half minutes since Ester died in my arms and I couldn't still get rid of the cavernous feeling inside me no matter how hard I tried.

Most of my days were spent like this now. Counting the hours. Trying to push her from my head. But it was always a lost cause. I thought about her even in my sleep. The dream would always be of her either dying in my arms one way or another. Sometimes, the killing curse did her in. Other times, it was me performing spectumsempra. Either way, I would always wake up drenched in a cold sweat and gasping for air.

Soon, I just stopped sleeping altogether and would just spend my nights at the bar, hoping to just drink myself to death. I never did achieve that goal though. Not yet anyways. Some nights, Lucius would even join me, just to see how I was doing. And we would just talk about random things that didn't have to do with anything really, just to keep myself numb.

Eventually though, that stage would go away only to be replaced with that all too familiar emptiness. And we both would just stop talking and just sit there and drink until we both felt dizzy. I know. I was pathetic. I was weak.

Suddenly, I heard a whisper coming from a table in the back, snapping me out of my own miserable thoughts. I looked up to find Potter muttering something to Miss Granger next to him.

"Detention, Potter, for two weeks. There is no speaking in my class." I growled. Even that didn't phase my mood.

"But I was only asking to--" he excused before I cut him off.

"Cheating off Granger were you? That's another weeks worth of detention for both of you." I drawled.

As they went back to work then, Ester's words echoed in my ears. 'Be nice to Harry. He's a good kid.'

"Never mind, Potter. I'm too busy for the likes of you two. Your detention is dismissed." I announced then.

He nodded, frowning in confusion. "...Thank you, professor."

Then he went back to his work, brewing his sleeping drought until it reached the proper temperature. And I slumped back in my seat, the emptiness inside expanding even larger if that was even possible. Albus kept saying that it would go away if I 'found closure.' But I didn't want to find closure. I didn't want to get over Ester or forget. That was what closure was about. Right? I just wanted some other emotion besides anger and emptiness to take over. I wanted to feel something besides that. I also should mention, that I still haven't cried yet. And this may sound very strange, but I really wanted to. Maybe it would help, if I went to Her grave.

I glanced over to the window then. It's shudders were slightly ajar and I could barely make out the words on her tombstone from where I sat. 'R.I.P; Ester Rae Kingsley.'

There was an inscription at the bottom too from Neville's speech. 'The way we remember something after it's gone determines how valuable it is. This is one of life's more... inconvenient truths.'

"Attention," I announced suddenly. The class looked up from their work. "I have something to do. Stay put. Anyone who is caught screwing around while i'm gone will receive detention."

Then I realized as I made my way out the door, that I sounded like Ester when I said, 'screwing around.' I remembered her using that phrase a lot when she was annoyed about something. I bit my lower lip and quickly dismissed the thought though. She was still too painful to think about.