Misguided Ghosts (a Severus Snape love story)

Chapter 17: A few words from Neville

CHAPTER 17

Snape's POV

Numb. That was all I felt as I stared down at Ester's closed casket buried in flowers. I wish they wouldn't have closed it. Nothing really happened to her face when she... passed on, except for a few minor cuts and bruises. And I wanted to see it again. Just one last time. I knew it would only cause me pain again, but a part of me deep down refused to accept that she was really gone.

Suddenly, I felt someone from behind tap my shoulder. I ignored them, keeping my eyes glued to flowers. I had my eye on a particularly big orchid in the top of the pile. I think I remember Longbottom setting it down, but I couldn't have been sure. That day had gone by blurry and slow. I couldn't focus on anything anymore. To make it worse, her words kept echoing in my ears, muffling out every other sound.

'I'm glad I got to see you, just one last time.'

Or, 'don't lie, Sev. It's a bad habit.'

The person tapped my shoulder again, snapping me back to reality, if only for a moment. This time, I glanced back to see who it was. Albus stood there, staring down at her casket sullenly. The usual sparkle in his blue eyes was gone and left to reveal a dull, glazed distant expression on his face.

"How are you, Severus?" He asked.

I didn't answer; only shook my head. If I spoke, I might have broken down completely.

"I know that this must be hard for you." He stated, setting a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded, biting down hard on the inside of my cheek. I could taste blood from where my teeth tore into the flesh. But I didn't feel pain. Only more numbness. Why did I only feel numbness? I was sick of it. Just crying would be better then this never ending emptiness. But I didn't cry. Not even on the day she died. I couldn't. It was if I was physically incapable of doing so after Lily died.

Did this mean I loved Ester more or less? This question had been gnawing my insides for days now. But I just couldn't find an answer. I couldn't find an answer to anything anymore. Without her, I was nothing. I had shut down completely. Every nerve in my body dulling. Every emotion I had left was evaporating away.

"If it helps at all, I don't think she minded. Dying, I mean." Dumbledoor implied.

I pinched the bridge of my nose in emotional exhaustion. "It doesn't change anything. She's dead now and there's no way to ever bring her back."

I was surprised to hear my voice again after not speaking in days. It sounded dry. Hollow. Hoarse like death.

"So let us not make her death in vain, Severus. Don't give up like this. Harry survives and it is still your job to keep watch over him. So please, don't quit on life like this only because she's dead." The old man reasoned, but I wouldn't hear his logic.

Instead, I turned on him. "How can I not?!" I shouted, my hands turning to fists at my sides. The entire great hall turned up their heads to look at me then, shocked at the sudden outburst. "She's dead and all because I wasn't quick enough to stop her from jumping in the way! How can I not give up?! Anyone who wouldn't in my situation is a blundering idiot!"

Albus hardly flinched at my harsh words. "I know this may be hard for you--"

"No, you don't know! You have no idea what so ever!" I snarled, angrier than ever before by now. "I don't need your pity, old man!"

Then, as the headmaster opened up his mouth to speak again, I stormed out absolutely livid; pushing past anyone in my way. How dare they. How dare them all to be upset about Ester's death when they didn't even know her. Know the real her, that is. Only I did. I was the only one who deserved to be devastated about this. And that I was. How dare they take pity on me. It made me look weak. They made me look weak.

"Idiots!" I snarled as I stormed my way down the main hall into nowhere in particular.

I watched the rest of the funeral as they buried Ester and Diggory outside from a window in my living quarters. Each of her friends said a few words, but I only took interest in a few. One including Longbottom's speech.

"I think that..." He sniffled, blowing his nose into a Kleenex. "That Ester wasn't afraid to die. She w-was very brave and wasn't scared to face what she would find on the other side. And she was happy too, I think. Because she died saving someone she knew would be very important in the future."

He took a long pause then, his eyes flickering over every sorrowful face in the crowd until they rested on me. "And before she died, she was going through a bit of a rough time with a lot of things. But still, Ester never took it out on anyone and was always nice to everyone she talked to. That's something I think I will always remember about her. Also, I regret never telling her that I always had a small crush on her. I should have; I realize that now because the way we remember something after it's gone determines how valuable it is. That is one of life's more... Unfortunate and inconvenient truths. I hope that all of you here today understand that, because those close to us all sort of took her kindness for granted."

Then, he turned to her freshly made grave, wiping the tears brimming up in his eyes. He spoke just as if he was speaking to her. "And I am truly sorry for that, Essy. We love you. I think I an also speaking for all of us here."

Neville turned back to the crowd dressed in black again. "So that's all I have to say about that."

Longbottom burst into tears then. Lovegood quickly got up from her seat in the front and lead him off the stage to rescue him from embarrassment. "Come on, Neville. It's okay."

I turned away after that, biting down on my lower lip hard until I tasted more blood. For once, I actually didn't hate Longbottom because we both had something in common. We both loved Ester with all our hearts.