Funny Short Stories

The Break Up

"I need you to sit down. I have something important to tell you."

"Sit down?" Honey asked, gesturing to the vegetables she was cutting.

"Yeah," Jeff answered, giving her a sympathetic smile. "Oh, and maybe leave that knife over there. It looks a little sharper than usual."

Honey remained standing. She didn't have time for his nonsense. "Just tell me."

Jeff paced up and down. One minute running his hands through his hair, the next clenching his fists. He had to pull himself together. It's got to be done, he told himself. He'd held out for too long now.

Finally, he stopped pacing. "What I have to tell you, it's going to be upsetting for you. I really think the casserole can wait. Please, come and take a seat over here."

Honey looked up at him, with an incredulous look. "I'm not making casserole! Why would I be making casserole on a hot day like this? I'm making soup."

"But..." Jeff went to argue that it was basically the same, but remembered this wasn't the time, "oh, forget it. Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but I... Well, I'm...I..."

"Just spit it out, Jeff. I haven't got time to listen to your blabbering."

Jeff took a deep breath. There was no going back now. "Well, before I tell you, I think it's only right you know, it's not you, it's me."

Honey scoffed. "Obviously. It's always you. What have you done now?"

"You know the woman that started working for me a few months ago?"

Honey poured the cut vegetables into the saucepan. "What, the new cleaner?"

"Uh, yes. Well see," he said, turning himself away from his wife, "we never planned for this to happen, but we're in love."

There, he said it. It was out in the open. Still, he wasn't sure if he was prepared for the consequences. Wait, why wasn't she saying anything? Could it be possible she didn't hear him? No, he said it loud enough.

Jeff turned to see his wife now standing right behind him. Here it comes, the shouting match he had prepared himself for.

Honey smiled. "Aw, that's nice sweetie."

Wait, what? Jeffs eyebrow shot up in surprise. "That's not the reaction I was expecting. Did you hear me?"

"Of course I heard you! I'm not deaf."

She must be trying to put on a brave face, he thought to himself. Yeah, that must be it.

"See, the thing is, I can't go on with this sordid affair anymore. It's not fair on you. I have to do the right thing. Darling, I'm setting you free. It's over. I'm leaving you. Don't cry, my love, it's for the best."

"Cry? Why would I be crying?"

"This must be so hard for you to deal with. Just remember the good times we shared."

Honey let out a yawn. "Have you finished?"

"Yes."

"Good. It's my turn. I think you should sit down."

"But, I am sitting down."

Honey glanced down at the the chair he was sat in. "Oh right, of course you are. Nothing new there then." Honey let out a sigh, as she sat beside him. "I don't know how to tell you this. See, I too, have been having an affair."

"You have? With who?" Jeff demanded to know. How could she do this? He shot up out of his chair. "Who have you been having an affair with? After everything we've been through, you went and had an affair? Who was it? That new gym instructor?"

"Nah, he turned me down. Ugh, I bet he would have been a good kisser."

"Are you drooling?"

"So what if I am?" Honey said, wiping her mouth. "He's so hot."

"Can we get back to our previous conversation please?" So Jeff could find out who the hell he is. By the time he's finished with him, he'll be sorry he ever slept with his wife. "Who have you been having an affair with? Is it the new doctor?"

Honey shook her head. "He only started working today! I'd hardly call that an affair."

Jeff started pacing. He was slowly losing his patience. "So, who is it then? The new postman?"

"We don't have a new postman."

"It's that new butcher then, right? What did he do, give you a discount on that chicken, if you have an affair with him?"

"Of course not!" Honey rolled her eyes. "He gave me a discount because I said it was okay for him to have an affair with you."

Jeff almost stumbled. "What?"

"It's okay, dear. I think you've been ditched now. He's got his eyes on the new gym instructor. I don't blame him. So have I. Especially when I drop my pen and then ask him if he could pick it up. Ugh, that butt."

He glared at his wife. "Why have we strayed back to the damn gym instructor?"

"You're just jealous that I've never asked you to pick up my pen. I've always hated your butt. It stinks."

"Just tell me who you've been having an affair with!"

"You know that new ice cream man going around here?"

Finally, they were getting somewhere. "It's him?"

"No. He has a new brother."

What? "New brother?"

"Yeah, he just found out that new gym instructor is his brother."

"This new gym instructor keeps popping up everywhere!"

"Except in my bed. Anyway, the gym instructor has a cousin. His cousin has a mother, who has this weird friend. I say weird because she thinks you have a cute butt. As I was saying, she just found out that the new butcher is in actual fact, her uncle. He has a friend, who knows someone, who's just found out he has a new sister."

Jeff fought the urge to pull out his hair. "What's this got to do with who you're having an affair with?"

"Well that's who I've been having an affair with."

"What, the someone the butchers friend knows?"

"No, silly. The someone's new sister."

"I'm confused."

"It doesn't take a lot to confuse you. Anyhow," Honey continued, as she stood up, "the someone's new sister, is in actual fact, your new cleaner. So, If you don't mind letting yourself out, it'll be much appreciated."

"Wait, what? You can't be having an affair with her. I am!"

"Yeah well," Honey said, gently, but also firmly, pushing him towards the front door, "not anymore you're not. Quick, if you hurry to the butchers shop, you may be able to save that relationship."

"But..."

"Hush," Honey interrupted, placing her finger on his lips, "don't cry, my love. It's for the best. Just think of all the good times we shared."