Funny Short Stories

The Trouble With Gary

Silence is golden. However, not when you have three children and a idiotic brother under the same roof. Silence usually means trouble.

I've just got back from a eight hour shift, dealing with idiotic customers, I'm knackered. I don't need trouble, I need a long ass soak in the bath. Is that too much to ask for?

I head to the kitchen, as I also need a decent cuppa. Only, I can't open the door?

"I wouldn't go in there, if I were you."

I turn to see Kirsty, my oldest daughter. That doesn't sound good. What's happened now?

"Uncle Gary has a surprise for you," Callum beams.

"What do you mean, surprise?"

However, they don't answer. The three of them are too busy laughing.

Like I said, silence is anything but golden. If anything, it's torture. I know what silence leads to. Trouble.

I turn to face the kitchen again. "Gary, are you blocking the door?"

"Look," Gary says, from the other side of the door, "don't freak out, but..."

"Gary, you telling me not to freak out, is making me freak out. Let me in!"

All I wanted was a decent cup of tea and a nice soak in the bath, before starting the kids tea. That's it. Obviously, it was too much to ask for.

"Just know that I have solved all your money problems."

Somehow, I doubt that. Why don't I like the sound of this?

"Last time he said that, I'm sure dad was being chased down the street by a bull," Kirsty muses.

Ah, yes, that's why. "You don't have to keep reminding me," I point out to my darling daughter.

"Yeah, okay, maybe me being a matador, was a little too ambitious."

Maybe? I try pulling the handle down and pushing the door again. It won't budge.

"Gary, what do you have in my kitchen?" I ask, not sure if I really want to know.

"A grizzly bear," Callum shouts, finding it all amusing.

"It's a tiger," Rhian says, curling her fingers and pretending to roar.

Kirsty shakes her head. "I'm pretty sure it was a snake."

"Have you not got any homework to do? I can always find you a couple of chores to do."

It just makes them laugh again. They're enjoying this. Of course, they are.

"Gary," I say, facing the door again, "let me in my kitchen!"

"Only if you promise to stay calm."

"Oh believe me, I'm trying."

He finally opens the kitchen door.

"Ta-da!"

What the...?

Why?

When?

How?

Seriously?

"That's a cow!"

"I thought it looked more like a sheep," Kirsty jokes.

"Gary, why is there a cow, taking a dump, on my kitchen floor?"

"I'm guessing, it can't find the toilet?" Callum says.

I just wanted a cup of tea. I just wanted a nice hot soak in the bath.

"That cow," Gary says, pointing to the damn thing, "is the answer to all your money problems."

How exactly? "Were you planning on selling her, for a few magic beans?"

Gary laughs. "Don't be daft," he has the cheek to say. "What do we get from cows?"

"Pork!"

Kirsty slaps her brother's head. "That's pigs, dumbass! Beef."

Gary shakes his head. "The answer I was looking for, was milk."

I raise my eyebrows. "Milk?"

"Milk, Nick, milk. I'm telling you bro, we'll be minted."

Sometimes... Well, most of the time, I wonder how I could possibly be related to him. There must have been some kind of mix up at birth. Yeah, that's it, our mum and dad picked up the wrong baby. That, or, he was dropped on his head numerous times. Maybe, he was adopted. I think I'm on to something here.

A knock on the door, interrupts my thoughts. How rude.

Oh crap!

"This is just what we need. Quick Gary, hide the cow!"

I close the kitchen door, just as the door knocks again, followed by the doorbell. I mean, come on, give me some time. Gee, it's not like we have have a cow to hide. Oh wait, apparently we do.

I put my finger to my lips. My warning to the kids to keep their mouths shut. I know, it's really asking a lot, for them.

I open the door. Oh crap!

"We've had a few complaints about a man with a cow."

I stare at the two policemen, at my door. One looks like he's nearing retirement, while the other looks like he's just out of nappies. "Seriously?"

"Nah, we're just joking," the younger one states, laughing, "Sorry to bother you, enjoy the rest of your night." He goes to walk away, stops, turns back round and glares at me. "Of course, we're serious."

Alright. Geez, I was only asking.

"He was seen entering this house," the older officer says, "mind if we come in?" Yes, I do mind. "We just need to ask a few routine questions."

I raise a brow. "Routine? This kind of thing happens often, does it?"

"We'll ask the questions."

"Moo!"

"Starting with, what that was?"

"Callum," Kirsty shouts, "stop singing old McDonald!"

Callum places a finger on each hand up to his head, as if they're horns. "With a moo moo here and a moo moo there. What? I can't help it, it's a good jam."

The two policemen don't look convinced. "No, I'm pretty sure it sounded like a real cow."

Why would I have a real cow in my house?

"It came from down that way," the older Guy says, pointing towards my kitchen. "Mind if we have a look?"

"Have you got a warrant?"

"Moo!"

"We don't need one," the younger one states, pushing past me.

Damn it! All I wanted was a decent cup of tea and a long ass soak in the bath. I don't ask for much.

They open the kitchen door. My eyes grow wide in horror, as the cow darts out of the kitchen, in my direction.

Crap!

"Not again," I shout, running for dear life.

The last thing I hear is Kirsty shouting, "well, at least it's not a bull this time."