Funny Short Stories

The Alarm Call

"Sarah."

If there's a Guinness world record for the fastest someone can shoot out of bed, Sarah's pretty sure she's won it.

"Who's there?"

It's gone three in the morning. It's not her boyfriend, he's working nightshifts. Plus, she knows his voice down to a tee.

"Me."

Sarah looks her around her room. There's clearly a intruder. What can she use as a weapon though. Ah, yes. She picks up her boyfriends baseball bat. This will do nicely.

"Very funny. Who's me?"

"Sarah."

This guy thinks he's a comedian. "Are you done taking the piss?"

"I don't need a pee!"

Sarah looks around for her phone. "Oh, you're so funny, I forgot to laugh. Who are you?"

"I am me."

Her grip on the bat tightens. "I'll shout to my boyfriend."

"Ooh, is that supposed to scare me?"

She scans the room. Where is he? "You will be scared."

"Considering you're home alone, I highly doubt it. You couldn't even scare a mouse."

Crap! "How do you know I'm home alone?"

"Duh, I'm in your house!"

That's it, David's never working nights again. "I'll call the police."

"And say what exactly? A voice woke me up and now it won't shut up?"

"That's exactly what I'll tell them."

"Good luck with that one."

"They'll come and arrest you."

"How are they supposed to do that, when they don't know what I am?"

What he is? It's obvious, isn't it? "Some annoying person, obviously."

"But I haven't said I'm a person."

Sarah raises her eyebrows. "Well, what else would you be?"

"I could be a number of things. A voice in your head, a ghost, heck, I could even be your lamp, for all you know."

Lamp? This guy must think she's a idiot. "Or, you could be some idiotic man, hiding somewhere in my room."

"Wouldn't it be funny, if you found out, I was actually your bed? Nah, on second thought, I would have just thrown you off if I was."

Sarah walks towards her wardrobe, preparing to swing the bat, if need be. She opens the door.

"Ah look, now you know I'm not your clothes."

Sarah rolls her eyes. Seriously? She makes her way to the curtains. Her hand lingers on it for a split second. She yanks it open. Nothing.

"No, I'm not your curtains. You've gotta do better than that."

She looks under her bed. There's nothing but some of David's old, smelly socks.

"I think they're talking to you, though. I can hear them begging to be washed."

"You must be somewhere!"

"Must I?"

"Oh, will you stop with the mysteriousness and tell me, who you are?"

"They call me Tock."

"Tock?" Really?

"Yeah, Tick Tock! You've gotta admit, that was rather good. Did you see what I did there? Tick Tock! Ha, I amaze myself sometimes."

Sarah's eyes grow wide. "Wait, you're my alarm clock?"

"Well aren't you a clever girl! Do you want a silver star sticker? Sorry, I'm out of gold."

Sarah drops the bat. "How is that possible?"

"What, for me to run out of gold stars?"

"No, you idiot! How are you talking?"

"Rude. You don't see me asking you, how you can snore so loud."

"I don't snore," Sarah says sitting on her bed.

"If that was true, I wouldn't have woke you up."

She picks the clock up to inspect it. "Aren't you supposed to wake me up, when I set you to?"

"Yeah, well, what can I say, I'm a rebel."

"You're a alarm clock! Why am I talking to you?"

"I don't know. Is that a trick question?"

Sarah looks at the time. It's quarter to four, that's why she's talking to a damn clock. She's obviously delirious. She also has to be up by six.

She put the clock back down on the bedside table. "I need sleep."

"So, why are you wide awake, talking to your alarm clock?"

Sarah narrows her eyes. "You're lucky you don't have a neck." She lays back down on her bed, pulling her blanket over her. "Now, I'm going to sleep and I don't want you waking me up, until the time I've set you to, is that clear?"

"Oh yes, very. In fact, it's crystal clear."

"Good."

.

.

.

.

"Sarah."

"Gah! Shut up!"