I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

51. Bullet

So uh trigger warning for this chapter!! Attempted suicide (sorta) In my opinion it is very vague. 

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James spent almost every night wandering the palace for the next few weeks. It's a wonder he hasn't gotten caught yet. He never bothered to bring the map or the cloak.

It was nearing Halloween now, and there was no sign of Regulus. James spent hours feeling empty, feeling absolutely nothing- or feeling everything all at once.

He replayed his memories in his head. Replaying all his moments with Regulus, no matter how embarrassing they were. Every fight he witnessed between Sirius and Regulus, the way Regulus turned from a boy with such a wide smile, following everything his older brother did, into a boy with walls built so high, James felt like Flynn Rider having to scale Rapunzel's tower just to talk to Regulus; but through all that, James learned to love Regulus.

"What the fuck is going on James? You  need to talk to me." Sirius said one day. James wasn't sure how long it had been. Time passed by like it was nothing - James was starting to feel like it was nothing - like he was nothing.

When James didn't respond, Sirius shoved him, "You've been a zombie for almost a month now James. I'm worried. We're all worried."

It felt like James woke up from an extremely long sleep, except during that sleep he still had to wake up and go to class. Some days he didn't, but he couldn't get up - It was like he was asleep. He couldn't remember the last time he talked to his friends, and if he did, he didn't remember any of it. He spent a lot of time in Regulus's dorm, or his head boy's room, isolated or near Evan and Barty. 

"I don't know what's wrong with me," James said.

"I don't either, but you need to talk to me. Something is clearly wrong. You haven't been yourself, you don't respond, you randomly disappear. James, I'm worried about you - we all are." Sirius said, "And every time you leave, you take the map. I can't even check if you're okay. I don't know where you are. James, you're my best friend, you're my brother but it feels like I'm losing you, just like Regulus." Sirius let out a frustrated sigh.

"I..." James started, but gave up, unable to find the words. "I'm sorry for worrying you. I'm fine Sirius" He smiled, "just not feeling well"

Just not feeling well.

Yeah, that was it.

Have you ever heard of bipolar disorder?" Dr. Brown asked. James shook his head. "It's a disorder that can include manic or depressive episodes, they can last up to months" He explained. James nodded along half-heartedly, barely listening to the man 

"The team is struggling. We don't have a captain and we're missing our best chaser. James, we need you."

Quidditch. His favorite sport. It didn't seem to matter anymore. Who was he playing for? It used to be to impress girls, like Lily. People went crazy for him. Who was he playing against? Nobody else was exceptional, except for Regulus. Regulus stood out. Regulus was a struggle. James liked a struggle, he liked a game he actually had to try to win. Regulus almost always caught the snitch, so it was up to James to get enough points for Gryffindor to win.

"I don't know how you feel, someone as privileged as me never will, but I am willing to listen. I won't sit here and beg you to let me save you, I know that's not what you want, but I will tell you that you should not stay in that house."

"Oh, shouldn't I? You have no. Idea. what I'm like. I could be just like my mother, haven't you heard that much from Sirius? he told you I'm a fucking traitor? destined to get the dark mark?"

James could still feel Regulus, the feeling of his touch. His smell. His kiss.

You- You love me?"

"I do. I love you Regulus, everything about you. Always and forever." 

The next thing James knew, it was nighttime. James was in the astronomy tower on the ledge, looking up at the sky. Directly at Regulus, the heart of the Leo constellation. James had learned to name the stars. There was a lot he did at night. He didn't sleep much anymore. He spent a lot of time looking at the sky. He was able to point out constellations and stars he never knew existed. He wondered if Regulus would be proud.

"James...? James!" He heard a voice from behind him. James looked down. It would be a long way down. He didn't want to die. Why was he on the ledge? He didn't want to die. James held onto the railing behind him like his life depended on it - it did.

"Help me." James cried, he felt weak. His legs were shaking.

"I've got you" James felt hands on him. The touch was familiar. It grounded him, and when James was on steady ground, he collapsed to the floor and hugged Remus.

"Why?" Remus asked.

"I didn't want to," James shook his head, "I wasn't thinking. I haven't had a happy thought in who knows how long. All I can think about is Regulus, he's all that helps. I can't do this." James cried.

"Why did you try to kill yourself!? You know better. You have people to talk to, you - ugh James please talk to me." Remus held his shoulders.

"I was and I wasn't. I want to but I don't want to. Maybe it was just to feel something, I don't know." James shook his head. 

Remus didn't say anything, not like James would let him. "I'm tired. Cmon" He spoke, and wiped his tears, speedwalking to the common room. Remus had to jog to catch up.

"James-" 

"Sorry to worry you, I'm okay now, I just... I don't know what happened." 

Remus caught up to James, "James." He put a hand on his friend's shoulder. James finally shut his mouth to give Remus a moment to speak, "I think it would help you to talk to someone, or occupy yourself with something like a hobby. Get out of bed, and go touch some grass in the sunlight. Me and Sirius are going to Hogsmeade tomorrow, come with us." Remus offered. 

"I - I'm trying Remus. I really am, I just - I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I'm fine, and then sometimes I'm not, and sometimes I just completely dissociate, and I feel like I'm not real. I don't really want to talk about it right now." James sighed. 

"It's alright, just know we're here for you. Sirius has really been beating himself up recently. He doesn't know what's going on with you." 

"I'm sorry," James said. 

"Don't be. You clearly are not alright, and you don't have to pretend to be, I just want to say we're here for you." 

The two approached the common room and went back to their dorm together. 

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We're at a part in the story where a lot is going on, the next few chapters are just an emotional roller coaster full of ups and downs, so hold on while we're on this downward spiral, it gets better and resolved I swear.