Life Together

Bittersweet Part 2

After a few days in the hospital Miranda was glad that she could go home. She never liked being a patient and she felt sad knowing that just trying to bring her baby girl into the world caused her heart issues.

Miranda was looking out the window and her thoughts were interrupted by Ben grabbing her hand. He looked at her with a smile and kissed her hand. She returned a smile and blushed. This man always found a way to make her feel loved and adored.

When they made it home Ben and Miranda's parents were there waiting. When they pulled up in the driveway their parents were standing on the porch. They all came to grab bags and the baby while Ben helped Miranda get out of the car.

"Walk slow baby so you don't get out of breath," Ben said.

Miranda made it in the house and she was so glad their parents were there because she honestly didn't feel like she had the strength to deal with the baby. This thought mad her sad and by the time they made it to their bedroom she was in tears.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I just don't have all the strength that I wish I had to care for Menna. And I'm frustrated about the heart issues, I just didn't think I would have these complications although I know things could be worse," Miranda expressed as she wept.

Ben held her close to comfort her. "Baby it's going to be okay. Your body and heart is going to heal and you will gain your strength back. And while we wait, I'm never leaving your side and thank God we have family to help us."

Ben sat back on the bed and held Miranda in his arms until her crying calmed down and she fell asleep. 45 minutes later Elena walked in holding a fussy Menna and Elena stopped at the door.

"I think she is getting hungry," Elena whispered.

Ben looked down at Miranda before speaking. "Umm we bought formula just in case, it's in—

"No, I want to breast feed her," Miranda said coming out of her sleep.

"Bring her here momma," Miranda said as she sat up off of Ben's chest.

Miranda unbuttoned her gown and pulled out her breast before taking a fussy Menna and helping her to latch. As soon as she started feeding her whimpers went away.

"There we go baby girl, its okay. We're just fine."

A month went by and Miranda was feeling okay physically but she still had to take it slow. Mentally she was struggling with anxiety and so was Ben. They both sat up at night watching Menna sleep instead of taking turns to sleep.

"Miranda baby, go to sleep I got her," Ben said.

"No because the other night I woke up and you were asleep so I'm staying up."

"I know, I'm sorry but I was tired and she was fine Miranda."

"But that's what happens, one minute she's fine and the next she isn't so we have to watch her."

"Miranda I worry too but she isn't Daniella," Ben said and Miranda gasped.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she moved the covers to get up and get off the bed.

"You weren't there when I woke up to feed our daughter and she wasn't moving. You weren't there when I picked her up and tired to breathe oxygen back into her lifeless body. So you don't get to tell me how to feel," Miranda said as she walked around the bed and slowly picked Menna up out of her bassinet.

"You know that it's not my fault that I wasn't there. Miranda where are you going?" Ben asked but Miranda didn't answer she just left the room.

Ben sighed deeply and sat on the bed for a moment before getting up. He shouldn't have said it so abruptly. Miranda had been emotional all week with her health not being the best and her anxiety about something happening to the baby.

His own worry and anxiety was making it hard for him to be all he needed to be for Miranda. Even though her parents were helpful during the day, it was still all on them at night which was when they worried the most. Even though he feared SIDs for their daughter, his wife can see Daniella's face in Menna's and relive what happened to Daniella.

Ben walked out of their bedroom and Miranda was sitting on the couch in the dark with the tv on. He sat down beside her and tears welled up in her eyes again.

Ben grabbed her legs and swung them onto his lap but Miranda still wouldn't look at him. He began massaging her feet and they sat silently for awhile. Miranda began breast feeding Menna so Ben got up and grabbed her feeding blanket. When Miranda was done feeding her, he took her out of her arms and began to burp her.

Miranda sighed deeply as she watched Ben burp their daughter and talk to her lovingly. She was upset about what Ben said but she knew that the loss of their first daughter hurt him as well. And his loss was still fresh while  she'd known for years and had years to heal. But it didn't change the anxiety she felt.

They really didn't speak for the rest of the night but when Miranda woke up she was back in their bedroom. She looked in the bassinet and Menna wasn't there so Miranda got up and went to the kitchen. Ben was making breakfast and he had Menna laying in her lounger on the counter.

When Miranda got in front of her she was staring contently at her daddy. When Menna saw Miranda she smiled so big.

"Awww good morning baby girl."

Ben turned and looked over his shoulder, "good morning," he said softly.

Miranda stood beside him with her body facing him. "Good morning.... I'm sorry for what I said last night."

"I'm sorry too. We just have to trust that God won't let what happened to Daniella to happen to Menna. Though that will be easier said than done," Ben said.

"Yeah I probably won't be okay until she is one years old," Miranda confessed with a chuckle.

"I understand that."

Miranda wrapped her arms his waist and Ben leaned down and kissed her forehead. "It's going to get better," Ben spoke softly.