It's Definitely Not All Mary Poppins

You Will Bear The Full Brunt of My Hurt (9)

Yang exhaled, long and slow; his body deflated. "We fought. She – your mother – wanted to go home to you. I wanted them to stay. I was throwing a...kind of a work party, but they wanted to go home. I...said some...things at them." He cleared his throat and wiped a hand over his forehead. "I remember it so vividly. I remember when I heard they were..." Yang didn't say 'hurt'. 'Killed'. All of it prickled his skin. It was written all over his face. "...when we found out, it was akin to playback on a VHS, except it repeated over and over. I think I remember that moment better than most others." When he realized he was babbling, Yang dropped his gaze and asked, "What do you remember of them?"

"...they took me to Lake Yerkes a lot."

The older man nodded. "She liked Lake Yerkes."

"So did Dad."

"Your father grew up there. Did you know that?"

"...I think I did."

Yang nodded.

Eli finished painting the letters. He got to the dates that defined their lives, hesitating. "I miss them."

"I know."

He looked at the older man. "What do you miss about them?"

"I miss seeing how much they loved you."

Eli wrinkled his nose.

"Your dad made that face a lot."

Eli turned away. He started painting the dates. "I...said something. Bad to them, too."

Yang stopped breathing.

"I was mad at them. I didn't want them to – " He stopped, glancing at his uncle. "They were going to your party." The statement was soft, a realization and a question rolled into one. "They – I was mad at them. I don't remember why. I..." Eli turned away. "I wanted them to stay, but they said they had to go. I said I wished they were dead. But I d – "

His uncle's expression fell solemn.

"I'm trying to tame them," he said nonchalantly. "That power, but I don't remember what I did. I was so scared when they didn't come back that I – " He snapped his mouth shut. He turned back to the gravestone and finished painting the dates. When he was finished, the stone glittered in the sun, and the red-painted letters stood out against the gray stone so strikingly that it almost looked fake. He leaned back and put down the paintbrush.

"...do you like the altar?" his uncle asked.

"I want it in my room," Eli whispered, pulling his knees to his chest. "I don't care what Matt says. I want it in my room."

"She was my sister."

"They were my parents."

"I lost them, too."

Eli's eyes shot to the older man, full of brimstone and curses on the tip of his tongue before he soaked in Yang's expression – distant, filled with things left unsaid and hauntings.

"I'm...sorry, Elliot." Yang pressed the side of his hand over his brows, shielding his eyes. "I know you must hate me for...so much, but know that I think about them. I think about them all the time."

"That's my line."

"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice laced with gentle frustration. He did not move.

"I told them to go. That night. We were fighting, and it was so fucking stupid, but – "

"Language, Elliot."

" – we were fighting and I-I told them I hoped they died that night. They made me so angry, and I wanted them gone. And then they – b-but I didn't think – "

Yang's hands were trembling over his brows, his mouth ajar, his eyes growing misty. Still he had not moved. He probably could not bring himself to even look at his nephew.

"It wasn't your fault." Eli's tone started wavering, wobbling. At the same time, dripping with sadness, it was accusatory. "It was mine. It was all mine, and I'm so sorry I did this to us." The boy's eyes were wild, bright red and alight. His expression swirled between rage and hurt. "I'm sorry I made you hate me."

"That – " Yang started, failing. " – that isn't – "

"I'm sorry you have to put up with me."

Yang started breaking.

"I'm so goddamned sorry, Uncle Jun." Eli curled back into himself.

Tears dribbled down Yang's face. "No. No. That – that isn't – "

And Elliot drew in a long, hard breath, and held himself tighter. "I jus – I can't carry this inside me anymore. I can't. Matt was right. It hurts. It hurts too much."