This Monday, I start tenth grade. I am praying this year will be better for me. I think it will be. I really do. I hope I don't jinx it. I start therapy with my new therapist on Monday too. Part of me is looking forward to it, and part of me isn't. There are some things I'll have to talk about again that I'd really rather not talk about or think about, at all, ever. But I know that I need this. I have been slowly getting better since I met Eleanor. There are still relapses occasionally. I know that's to be expected. Healing is always a slow process.
I'm worried about Eleanor. I've been so selfish. It's not that she doesn't love me anymore. She just doesn't love herself. And I've been trying to be as supportive as I can but I don't think it's helping. I want to say I've improved in my problem of trying to "fix" people. Accepting that I can't just fix everything and that's just life and I have to accept it. But it's still hard. Sometimes it's frustrating. Because I love her so much it hurts. So much more than words can say. Slowly, Eleanor is becoming my entire world, and I'm so scared that it's too much, that I'm too much, that one day Eleanor will think it's too much and push me away. I'm not going to let that happen. I promised Eleanor once that we were forever, and I meant it. If there's one thing I'm sure of, this is it. I'm not giving up on this.
