I spiral so easily. One bad thought can lead to another so fast, which leads to another and another and suddenly all these voices are in my head and I wish they'd just STOP. Sometimes I can block them out, but not always. It's so hard. I do want to explain what's wrong. I just can't find the words. Not with so many thoughts all at once. I know it'll come out wrong and probably make everything worse. Will asked if I wanted to stay over and I said yes. With half the kids gone it's much more peaceful. I can almost pretend it's like when James was still a baby. I feel guilty for saying yes. I don't want to be a burden. But I know he'd worry more if I said no and I don't want that either. I hate almost everyone but especially myself. I should just disappear. But I can't because I care about Eleanor too much to do that.
Why am I so complicated?
