Only Tolerable//Tokio Hotel •Tom Kaulitz•

My Whole Thought Process

I was still stood in the foyer, only now instead of Tom walking down the stairs, he was standing in front me a few feet away. "Are you going to finish cleaning my room?" He asked me. I didn't hear him. I was thinking about what the fuck I told Bill and what had happened with Tom and I earlier.

I was knocked out of my thoughts by a tap on my shoulder. I blinked and looked up at Tom. "What?" I asked. He furrowed his eyebrows. "You didn't hear what I said? Are you okay?" He asked me. I blinked again. "I didn't hear you." I said. "Well, are you okay?" He asked. He was being sincere.

I shook my head and sighed. "Nothing's okay, and I think you of all people should know that." I said. He nodded. "What did you ask me?" I asked him. "If you were going to finish cleaning my room." He said. I nodded. "Yeah." I responded as I walked past him and up the stairs.

I was half way up the stairs when I heard him call after me. "Alice?" He said. I turned around and looked at him. "Yeah Tom?" I asked. "I-if you ever have another anxiety attack or something and Bills not around, you can always come to me." He said. My eyes softened and I felt myself wanting to cry again.

I nodded. If I said anything I'd start bawling. I turned around and continued my way to Tom's room. As soon as I reached Tom's room, I started crying. I didn't bother shutting the door, Tom was on his way outside when he stopped to talk to me. I couldn't stand straight. I crumbled to the floor and let it all out.

I was confused and mad at myself with how bad I was lying to pretty much everyone. I didn't know what else to do, and sometimes when your confused and angry, the only thing you can do is cry. I was crying way to loud for my liking.

I tried to muffle my crying with my hand. I thanked god that Tom's room wasn't as bad it was earlier. There was only a few shirts and stuff on the ground. I held my hand to my mouth and started picking up the rest of the clothes from the floor.

What is wrong with me? I asked myself. I slowly stood up and surveyed Tom's room. It was looking normal again. I was still crying, but instead of having a full on breakdown like I was, silent tears continued to fall from my face. I didn't care about them, there was no stopping the tears any time soon.

I left Toms room and went back downstairs and outside. Tom was sitting with Bill like I was earlier. I watched as both of them looked up at me and their eyes went wide at the same time.

"Alice...are you sure you're okay?" Bill asked, sitting up, concerned. I glanced over at Tom. He already knew that I wasn't okay. "What do you mean?" I said, my voice breaking. "Mascara and tears are literally streaking your face." Tom said.

My eyes went wide. I ran into the house and up the stairs and to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. "Things are fucking far from okay." I said, turning on the faucet and putting water on my face.

***

[Tom's pov]

I won't lie, I was worried about Alice. And I would be lying if I said that the kiss she gave me on the cheek earlier didn't mess with me. She was standing in the foyer earlier and she looked like she had been crying. I asked if she'd finish cleaning my room but she didn't hear me.

I knew she wasn't okay. But there wasn't anything I could do, and if there was something, Alice wouldn't let me. She only came to me with her anxiety attacks if Bill wasn't around.

I did offer that she could always come to me if Bill wasn't around. We may be complete assholes to each other but that doesn't mean I don't worry about her.

After that, I continued my way outside to Bill. "What's wrong with Alice?" I asked him as I sat down. Bill looked at me worried. "I honestly don't know. I thought it was just the stuff that happened between her and Logan, but it seems to be a handful of things. Her parents, Logan, everything that happened to her when we left Germany...she was suffering Tom, and we had no fucking idea." Bill said.

"I've never seen her like this." I responded. Bill nodded. "Alice never did cry about things...I'm worried about her." Bill told me. I nodded. "So am I." My mouth said before my brain could stop me.

Bill looked at me and furrowed his eyebrows. "You're worried about Alice?" He questioned. I thought for a minute and nodded. "It's not fun making fun of someone when they're already not okay." I said Bill scoffed. "We may be twins, but we definitely don't have the same heart." He said getting up.

I nodded. "Trust me, I know." I told him. He then went inside. I assumed it was to check on Alice. I don't know what the fuck was happening with me. I don't think I've hated Alice the last 4 days, not even once, and that scared me.

***

[Alice's pov]

I was in the middle of wiping the mascara laced tears off of my face when there was a knock at the bathroom door. I said come in, Bill always knocks. "How are you?" He asked me. I looked at him. "I don't even know." I sighed.

Truthfully, I didn't. I knew I wasn't okay, I just hated the reasons as to why, but Bill, poor Bill, I've been lying to him a lot. And then I had to lie and say I liked Gustav, which I know is far from the truth. I wanted to tell Bill everything, well everything he didn't know.

Tom and I's agreement, Tom weirdly enough being there for me when I needed someone, Tom being somewhat nice to me lately, the possibility of me liking Tom which is fucking bizarre. Things were changing and I was scared.

Wether they change for the better or the worse.

The weird thing about this though, well the weird thing for me about this, is I don't think I've hated Tom the last 5 days, not even once, and that scares me. Things can go oh so wrong in such a short span of time.

But I don't even know if what I'm feeling is a genuine feeling, or a response after Logan's dumping me. Either way, it wasn't good, and it wasn't good, because basically, pretty much right now, my whole fucking thought process was Tom.