Asul

Prologue

Prologue

Tanaw mula sa bintana ng kuwarto ko ang magandang hardin ni Lolo, maraming mga paruparo na nakadapo sa mga santan niya. Ang gaganda nila!

Bagamat tanghaling tapat ay mataas ang sinag ng araw. Asul na asul din ang langit. Kay ganda talagang pagmasdan ng Asul!

Maaliwalas ang hitsura ng loob ng kuwarto ko dahil sa natural na liwanag mula sa araw.

"Kuya, kakain na!" Tawag sa akin ng kapatid ko mula sa labas ng kuwarto ko.

Agad-agad na akong tumayo at lumabas ng kuwarto ko.

"Umayos ka nga ng kilos mo, para kang babae maglakad." Madiin ang boses ni Papa habang matalim ang mga tingin sa akin.

Madalas ko ng marinig ito mula sa kanila.. sanay na. Normal na lang sa akin ang mga salitang ito.

I never felt comfortable with them and I always feel caged whenever they're near me.

Naupo ako sa hapag. Katabi ko ang kapatid ko.

"Bakla ka ba, ah?" He asked.

My heart clenched on what he said. I continued eating, trying not to digest the words that he told me.

"Ano?" His voice feels like a trigger to me.

Sometimes I imagine myself. What if I say yes? Will it be the end?

I still carry a ton of deep seeded shame and guilt about being gay. When I was younger I always had a huge sense that I was in trouble, that I was always doing something wrong. It's something that has followed me into adolescence. It's a strange thing- loving that part of myself but also deeply feeling uncomfortable because of it. It's like a shadow that follows me that I try to understand.

Like how my parents taught me about being a gay.. makes me feel in denial when I was young.. I'm scared to think that I'm one of them because of my parents.

Sa takot ko sa kanila, pinilit ko noon ang sarili na maging tulad ng ibang mga lalaki sa paligid ko, madalas din kasi akong makumpara nila noon sa mga lalaking anak ng mga katrabaho ni Papa. Dumating pa sa punto noon na sisihin ko ang sarili ko kung bakit ako ganito pero hindi ko talaga kaya, pakiramdam ko ay nagtatago ako sa isang katauhan na hindi naman ako.

The feeling of you're in a box and hiding and you want to be free and get out of it.

I'm sick of finding myself at the same place again and again.

It's like all of my life, my life has been caged, controlled and don't have freedom.

Gaya ng isang paruparo na gustong lumaya at lumipad at ipakita ang tunay na kulay ng mga pakpak ko.

"Hindi po.." I swallowed hard.

But I always say no...

Why?

I'm scared.

I feel like my entire body is constricted just by thinking of coming out as a gay to them.

"Tandaan mo, walang bakla sa pamilyang ito, at mahiya ka naman siga ako sa amin tapos ikaw lalambot-lambot lang." He said.

I spent my nights when I was a kid praying everyday not to feel the way I did. to be ‘normal’ just like the rest of the kids in my class.

All I ever wanted was to experience life like everyone around me was growing up.

Ang bawat karneng nilulunok ko ay animo'y isang tinik sa sakit sa mga salitang sinasabi nila sa akin.