Ever Lost

15

I'm so sleepy. I noticed, my eyelids felt heavy but they didn't weigh down, I found it impossible to collapse and sleep when it was all I wanted to do. I felt delirious, looking around I quickly noticed it was dark. Everywhere. And not a single sole in sight, but a chest across the room if you could ever even call it that. I took a single step, and felt my feet weigh down like bricks. Suddenly all my limbs were heavy, but once I'd taken the first step, I couldn't stop walking. My feet dragged on, I stumbled and tripped, but never fell. My muscles began to feel torn and pulled and the closer I got to the chest, the further away it got. My feet picked up the pace, I nearly cried out as my legs felt as though they were tearing themselves apart. Every time I lifted a foot it felt as though my legs were being severed from their feet. The chest grew further and further away until I broke out into a sprint, then the pain became unbearable and I had to force myself to stumble and fall. It was a short-lived relief, as soon as I was on the ground, the fire set in, burning through my thighs and calves. This time I did cry out in pain and squeezed my eyes shut from fear, but the fire spread and burned faster, engulfing my body in its wrath. I opened my eyes too late to realize I was actually on fire, my throat ran dry and the screaming ceased but more than ever I wanted to scream. I tried to summon water from my hands but no form of magic came, when I looked up, Silas was standing over me. He held a thin string a lit in a flame. "Get me my goblet." He demanded. I opened my mouth to speak but a low whistle came in the place of my voice. Any tears that dared to fall from my eyes were dried by the flames. I looked back down at my skin, it was thick with char and ash, burnt so badly it cracked and flaked up. The flames were gone and in its place was a sore pain. I found my voice to speak, opening my mouth, I soon realized Silas was not around to hear it.

When I awoke, I was exhausted. The sun was starting to come up, and Apollo was still wrapped around me. My eyes were wide open, my legs remembered the pain they felt in my dreams. The room was still dark, dark enough that I could see the faint outlines of figures, unlikely that they were truly there but I still found myself gripping Apollo's arms. He tightened around me in response. I felt guilty but I couldn't bring myself to let go, I knew it wasn't real but I couldn't convince myself of that fact. I might've squeezed until my fingers went numb. For minutes longer, I laid there, watching the figure move in the dark until the sun came up, and in its place was nothing but a hazy outline of what I thought I saw. Bübi süstütayskwerlül, I told myself. The sun shined down on the room and only then could I regain control over my body. My fingers itched with relief after I let go of his arm, my body was warmer, but the pit remained in my stomach. I could move again, but I didn't want to. I laid for a few seconds until I could motivate myself to get out of bed, and climbed out, rummaging through the closet for something to wear. I grabbed a high collar, white ruffled blouse, corset, and grey plaid skirt, then snuck into the bathroom to get ready for the day.

I lathered my skin gently with the soft soap the castle staff had provided us with. It was sensitive to touch and tingled under the soap. A sort of phantom pain plagued my body, burdening my brain. I considered the dream I had, my necklace was still around my neck and he had no control over my body, but I guess I couldn't escape from him in my mind. A small black bead floated through the water, brushing against my skin. I lifted it with a finger, it was soft. I reached for a piece of tissue and wiped it off. It left a smudge on my finger, when I looked, more were appearing in the water, and my washcloth was stained black. I realized they were coming from me. I wiped my skin, over my back, neck, avoiding my hair. It all fell off into the water. Ash. The water turned a murky dark grey. Every hair on my skin raised, the water suddenly felt cold and painful against my skin. I climbed out the water, draining the tub. Then I wiped down the cinders, and refilled the tub. I scrubbed my skin, ignoring how it burned until there wasn't a single piece of ash remaining and then again to be safe. My skin was raw by the time I was done, and my eyes burned from how hard I'd been crying, my body ached all over and my skin was left red. I felt violated, embarrassed and disgusted. I climbed out the murky water and drained the tub, repeating the process from earlier then dried off and brushed my teeth before changing into the clothes I'd grabbed before the bath. I did my makeup and combed through my hair, some fell out in uneven tufts. I heard his voice ringing through my ears, get me my goblet, he'd said. I knew now to not challenge him, he was more powerful than me. He knew how to hurt me without ever laying a finger on me. He left me powerless. I combed through my hair, watched it fall to the floor. Little by little like tufts of grass ripped out the ground, they fell. He took inches off my hair, it barely made it past my shoulder blade now. A sob escaped my lips as I looked over the damage, it'd take years to grow out. My mother had always had long hair, I was so far from her now. I pinned the remaining hair in a bun, at least my bangs were left untouched.

I crept out of the room, gently closing the door behind me. I jumped at the slightest sound of who I assumed and prayed to be Apollo shuffling around behind me. "Are you okay?" He asked. "Why do you keep asking me that? I'm fine." I snapped, spinning to face him. He stared at me, embarrassment covered his face. Guilt sunk into me, and it felt worse than any burn Silas could've given me. "I'm sorry." I apologized. Apollo sighed, exhausted by me already. "I'm just trying to look out for you."

"I-"

"I was starting to think you trusted me." He hesitated as the words fell out and his faced turned red with shame. "You don't have to tell me anything, but if you're gonna lie to me, at least be nice about it."

I faltered, I didn't have any words for him. He was right, I'd been cruel with my words. He spoke again, his tone lighter, "did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I slept great." I lied, forcing a smile to my face. "The pillows were very comfortable." Apollo pulled a shirt over his head, grinning at me. "I've never been referred to as a pillow before,"

My cheeks burned, the sensation pleasant and unlike anything I'd ever felt for Apollo before. "We don't have to talk about that." I murmured. He pulled his eyes away from me with a shrug. "Too bad, you were a great pillow too." A small smile crept on to my face where it didn't belong. I knew I was blushing, but I hoped he couldn't tell as I made my way to the vanity to finish getting ready for the day.