Dear Dahlia (Shadow And Bone)

Chapter 23

CONTENT WARNING: discussions of grooming and pedophilia

When Saida woke up, it was dawn. There was a refreshing smell in the air. Outside, raindrops clung to blades of grass.

Saida got ready, then muttered, "Dahlia."

Dahlia groaned. "Go away." Saida shook her shoulder.

"Nooooo," Dahlia whined.

"Yes. Come on, get up. It's dawn."

Dahlia sat up. "It is?"

Saida snorted. "Did you think I'd wake you up in the middle of the night?"

"Worse, you'd wake me up in the early hours of the morning."

Saida rolled her eyes good-naturedly and threw a bag of clothes at Dahlia. "Come on, get dressed."

Two days ago, the heartrender had stolen some random clothes she'd found in her cupboard, and had chucked them into Dahlia's trolley. Now, throwing on a coat and securing the belt on her trousers, Saida was very glad she'd at least had the good sense to choose clothes that looked good on her.

"Let's go!" Dahlia said, and the two stepped out into the woods.

_

"I can't find him," Dahlia muttered. Saida turned around on hearing her sister's voice.

"Well, of course you're not going to find him there! It's not like he's stuck in a tree."

"Imagine if he was. Miserable," Dahlia replied.

"But easy to get out," Saida said thoughtfully.

"What, you want to break him out of prison?" Her sister asked.

"No?"

"Oh."

"...do you want to break him out of prison?"

"Yeah!" Dahlia exclaimed. "Then we could go on a heist! Like spies. Hyah!"

Saida watched Dahlia hit a branch in her excitement, only for said branch to spring back and whack her nose.

"Ow," Dahlia whined. "What is wrong with these trees?"

"It didn't do anything to you, you whacked it first," Saida answered with a roll of her eyes, laughing a little.

Dahlia grinned. "Heh."

As the day wore on, Saida, along with her sister, looked everywhere for Mal. Dressed in a dark red blouse and brown trousers, she drew some looks, but it wasn't like she was out of the ordinary. Otkazat'sya wore lots of colours, after all.

"Where do you think he is?" Saida asked.

"Stuck in a tree."

"Oh my Saints Dahlia, you've said that like three times now," the heartrender groaned.

"What can I say, I refuse to be creative," her younger sister replied. Saida snorted.

By the time the two sisters had decided to stop their search, the sun was setting. Sitting near their camp, Dahlia lit the fire. Saida watched the smoke waft upwards.

Once she'd finished eating, the heartrender stared into the flames. Saida knew Dahlia was looking at her, confused, but right now, she didn't care. She was remembering again.

Everything that had happened with Kirigan...it felt like it would suffocate her at any moment. She hadn't had a chance to tell anyone, because everyone idolised Kirigan and no one would have believed her.

"Saida?" Dahlia asked quietly.

Saida let out a disbelieving laugh. The one person who truly saw Kirigan for who he was, was the one she felt furthest away from.

"The day that I came to the Little Palace...I was enamoured by him." Saida swallowed. "I don't know what it was. His charm, maybe. His confidence. Everything about him was the opposite of what I felt, in that moment. Commanding. Charismatic. Happy."

That was a stupid word, wasn't it? 'Happy'. It was something Saida felt like she'd lost her grip on, ever since she left her family and started training as a soldier.

"When he requested a meeting with me, he got a bit too comfortable, so I put distance between us. After I'd left that meeting, I felt something had changed. From then on, he felt sinister, like he was trying to get any information he could out of me. He no longer felt like someone I could latch onto for safety. He just..." she shrugged, "lurked." The heartrender sighed. "Then, he realised I didn't feel...attracted to him like before. That was when he started showing his true colours."

Dahlia stayed silent. For that, Saida was grateful. She took a deep breath.

"I wrote letters at first. Small ones. How are you doing? How's the orchard? It was easy in the beginning. But every time I thought of handing the letter over, I just thought of his smile and..." Saida shuddered. "I couldn't let him know about you, or Mama, or Papa. So I burned it."

The fire was still burning bright on the wood sticks. The light emitting from it flickered across Saida's face.

"From then on, I couldn't even write what I was thinking. So I didn't send anything. I didn't..." Saida took another deep breath, but a lump formed in her throat. She looked at Dahlia. "I need you to understand that. I need you to understand that I cared." Saida looked away. "If I hadn't, I would've sent those letters." Her voice became quiet. "I loved you. I still do."

Dahlia paused. "Do you regret it?"

The heartrender closed her eyes. Hot tears pressed against her eyelids. "I don't know," she whispered.

In truth, Saida knew the answer.

Dahlia had haunted her. The heartrender had felt her sister's presence in the laughter that she could hear, in the corners of her room, in the Muslim Suli tale she loathed. Dahlia was her living shadow, seeping into the cracks of Saida's heart that she'd failed to fill. Her phantom presence watched Saida write and destroy the letters she'd so desperately wanted to send.

The heartrender didn't even realise she was crying until she felt the wetness on her cheeks. She let out one sob, then another.

Saida heard muffled footsteps. Before she could react, two arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug.

Saida froze. She remembered the way Dahlia was wary whenever she raised her hands, or looked at her with hate in her eyes.

Saida took shuddering breaths. Without speaking, she slowly wrapped her arms around Dahlia, and returned the embrace.