Breaking Free (Story One) *Unedited*

Chapter Sixty Six

I had gotten into a routine of studying, working out, job hunting, going to therapy over the last month. I plan on going to see my aunt for winter break in two more weeks luckily she's coming back home to sell her house. So I get the honor of seeing her  and to put a lot of things in storage until I find a permeant place to live. Since Ginger is going to be moving to Greece soon. Sighing as I walk into my building I text my study group about studying for the finals week approaching and when to meet up for it. Getting in my room I get ready to head to my therapist office Mrs.Reynolds was the best and I was happy to find her. She reminded me a lot of my aunt and today we were going to get into the heaviest topic. My parents. Sighing I grab my purse and head back out grabbing Ginger's car keys. I play jazz instrumental music as I head that way thinking of him as I do. I wonder if his doing okay and how his fight is going to go. Maria told me that they rescheduled a few weeks later after the holidays so no one would look busted at the dinner table. 

Parking the car in my favorite parking spot I take a few clearing breaths as I head to her office.

"Good afternoon Jade." Mrs.Reynolds says as I walk in and sit in her plush chair.

"Good afternoon Mrs.Reynolds." 

"How is you day going?"

"Fine, how about yours."

"Mine is going very well."

Smiling, "That's good to hear." I say my leg bouncing.

"Are nervous about something?" she kindly asks placing her notepad down.

"Yes, no." sighing, "I don't know." taking a deep breath I tell her what I'm thinking, "It's just even though me and Caden broke up I still think a lot about him."

"In what ways?"

"Like how he is doing, what is he feeling, is he okay."

"You two haven't seen or spoken to each other since that night right."

"Yes ma'am."

"It's only natural to think these things Jade especially when the break up is recent."

"I know I just wish I could stop and focus on what's more important."

"And he can't be one of those things?"

"No, every time someone is important to me I ruin things for them. I almost ruined the best news my aunt was going to share, I have ruined my friendship with Maria even though she acts fine I know she still thinks about that day, and no amount of sorries from me is going to fix it." nodding her head, " I just don't want him to be another person hurt because of me."

"You cant control that all you can control is you." she tells me gently, "Maria has had a very traumatic experience of her own she's dealing with, your aunt got to marry the man she wanted with you there right beside her, and Caden can gets to feel how he feels." taking a sip of water, "Jade you're not just apologizing you've taken steps to fix the problem and you have to trust that the relationships you want to keep will see that and accept you mistakes."

"By how can they when I can't?"

"Remember last week when we talked about your anxiety and how you have worth issues deeper then boys not liking you."

"Yeah."

"Let's talk about them now."

"Okay."

"When do you think they started?"

"After my parents died." I say my eyes tearing up, "the day I lost my parents was the day I felt worthless."

"Why do you think that is?" she asks sliding the box of tissues towards me. 

"Because I was passed around from family member to family member and no one wanted me around. It felt like I was this dark stain on an otherwise perfectly white sheet I was the reminder that their siblings, their children, their favorite aunt and uncle were no longer here."

"Mmmmm what happened the night of your parents death?"

Shrugging, "Nothing unusual they were going out on date night I was sent to my uncles house to spend time with my cousins. I was up late I couldn't sleep something felt wrong I kept tossing and turning and then later on I heard the panic whispers of my uncle on the phone asking what hospital and if he should bring me or not." swallowing hard my mouth now dry it was like I was rewatching it all over again, "I get up at the mention of my name and his wife my aunt Brandy comes and grabs telling me that I was to sleep with her that night as my uncle went to the hospital. I had no clue what was going on but I grabbed my sleeping bag off the floor and rolling it up they kiss goodbye with him promising that he would let us know how things were going." grabbing a tissue I hold it to my chest, "I couldn't sleep I could hear my aunt praying for safety for a safe recovery for him to look after me. I didn't get it at first but I knew at least it had something to do with my parents. I stayed up that whole night praying myself for what I didn't know. When the sun rose through shinning through their bedroom curtains I rushed out of their bed hearing a gut wrenching cry from my aunt. She held onto me and just kept saying she was so sorry and she couldn't believe it. Her crying rambles weren't making sense so I went to my uncle and asked him what was going on. That's when he informed me about the drunk truck driver who ran into my parents killing them."

"How did that make you feel Jade?"

"I feel like my whole world was torn apart I didn't want to believe him but when my grandma came to my house later to hug me she stayed the night. I could feel her in my room watching over me she wept while I was sleeping." I lick my dry lips, "I listened to her cry I listened to everyone cry and pray for weeks but no one wanted to keep me. And I knew it was because I was a reminder of the two people they loved the most. I became unwanted the day they died."

"You sound a little angry at your parents."

Scoffing I shake my head and wipe my face with the torn pieces of tissues, "No they were my parents they loved me."

"I don't doubt that but there is some anger there is there not?"

"Maybe," slumping my shoulders, " I wasn't enough for them to stay and because of them I became unwanted by everyone else." I say with defeat emotionally exhausted, "I just wasn't enough they died and left me here to live a life without them a life I never wanted. I have been all alone since that day."

"From all the wonderful people in your life I don't think you are alone but you have been lonely. Do you know why Jade?"

"No ma'am I don't." I tell her after blowing my stuffy nose.

"Because of the walls you have built around so you never feel what you felt when your parents passed again." 

"That makes a lot of sense." I say through a sad smile.

"But it's not to late for you to let those people in." she says with a warm smile on her face. The rest of the therapy session was her giving me more journal prompts and tasks to do. The scariest one was visiting my parents grave and sharing with them how I felt. Heading home I had a lot to do but I felt better then I have since things my last therapist wasn't the best and now I have an amazing person who allows me to share without feeling like I wasn't allowed to feel what I was feeling. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I realized how much anxiety, depression, and fear has ruled over my life. I wasn't completely ready to move forward but im taking the steps.