Kill me softly - Minsung

Chapter 27 Part 1

Jisung dropped down face-first onto his bed, allowing his sheets and pillows to slowly bury him underneath them. He took a long breath, the faint smell of home was still there. Not home. Rather the smell of familiarity. Only his room back home, the one in which he grew up in, played with legos for the first time, sang, rapped, and recorded music for the first time, truly smelled like home. His bed in Chan, Changbin, and his shared apartment came pretty close though.

He loved touring. He loved seeing their fans, performing for them, and picking up from their unbelievable energy when being on stage. But still, nothing beats coming back home. He groaned and rolled onto his back, slowly but surely he ran out of oxygen. He fished for his phone that he carelessly yeeted on his sheets as he stepped into his room.

His still packed bags stood in one corner, painfully reminding him of the unpacking he had to do. He purposely ignored them. Right before arriving at their flat, his phone had chimed but he had yet to check the notification. It was probably from his therapist. They had agreed upon picking up their sessions, once he was back from touring. He didn't think he'd miss them while performing through various countries. Turns out, he was wrong. In general, he was critical toward the whole therapy thing in the beginning. He, of course, knew that things couldn't stay the way they were but seeing a therapist? That was a bit much wasn't it? Needless to say, it took both Jisung and Doctor Il-Sung, his therapist, a while to get warm with each other.

But now, this decision just kept on showing and proofing its positive impact. Jisung pressed the home button of his phone, expecting a notification of an unread email or something along those lines. Instead, there was a notification from his gallery, a flashback from a year ago. He loved those flashbacks, they always showed him how his life had been one, two, or even three years ago. Every time, he wondered what his past self would think about his life at the present moment. Would he be happy with the decisions he made?

He tapped on it. A picture popped up. Immediately, it felt like his blood froze in his veins. He shut his phone, held it to his lips. The speed of his heart had tripled. He heard the rush in which it was pumping blood through his body in his ears. How- no, why did this person still have such an impact on Jisung?

He unlocked his device again. The picture showed a screenshot of an Instagram post. It was the picture that someone took inside the club. The club where he first met Lee Know. It captured the scene as Lee Know dragged him through the said club, Jisung smiling like an idiot. Now all that the memory got out of Jisung, was a tired twitch of his lips. He was more surprised by the effect that this whole thing still had on him. Jisung really did believe he'd done some serious moving on.

It might have taken Jisung a while to get comfortable with Doctor Il-Sung, but it took him even longer to open up to him about serious topics like the topic 'Lee Know'.

He glanced at his phone again. So exactly a year ago, he had met Lee Know for the first time. Jisung did some quick maths.

It had been 9 months since he saw Lee Know the last time. Since Lee Know had left. Since Jisung had given him permission to do so.

And that was the worst part. Jisung, naive as he was, had said yes. Had said ok to Lee Know. Basically told him "No, it's totally fine to fuck me and then leave like nothing ever happened. Totally coolio with it."

He sighed, his finger hovering over the little trashcan symbol. He swallowed and deleted it.

His grandmother, a painfully wise old lady, once said something that stuck with Jisung. "Sometimes, a person outlives the feeling that someone holds for them. Sometimes, the feeling outlives the person. And, between us two, the first love never works out."
Needless to say that she had quite a lot of lovers.