Empty

●Chapter Twenty-Three●

"Suga, try and put a little more power behind it." Kuroo was helping me on my serves. I nodded and tried to send a stronger one. I just wasn't getting it. 

"How was that?" I asked, already knowing the answer that was coming. 

"I know it'll take some time to get there, but try a jump serve. That may give you the momentum you need." He said. I shrugged and figured I'd try it. 

Try after try ended in failure. Some didn't make it over the net, some went out of bounds, a few times I didn't jump properly or throw the ball correctly. I kept trying until I was drenched in sweat and out of breath. 

"God fuck!" I screamed, throwing the ball across the court. 

"Woah, calm down, it's okay. It takes a while to get it." Kuroo said. 

"I'll never fucking get it, I've been at it for hours." I slumped on the floor by the wall. I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I get it?

"Hey, you'll get it babes, it takes more than a day to do it though." Daichi came and sat next to me. 

"It's fucking pointless." I slammed a fist against the padded wall, not caring if it was going to hurt me or not. 

"Hey, look at me." Daichi grabbed onto me to try and have me turn towards him. I just kinda shook him off. I wasn't in the mood. I was pissed, tired, frustrated, and also fighting through a depressive episode. 

"Suga, come outside with me." Kenma said. I rolled my eyes and went with him. When we got out there, he took a hit and then handed me the vape to hit. 

"What did you want?" I asked as I blew smoke out. 

"For you to smoke. It'll calm you down." He said. I just rolled my eyes again, but I did take another few hits. 

"Sorry. I got overly frustrated." I explained.  

"Nah, you're good dude. I get it. I just wanted to try and help, being pissed isn't fun." 

"Better than depressed in my opinion."  

"How so?" He asked. 

"Anger is functional. I feel like I could keep serving balls. When I'm depressed however, I don't want to fucking do anything. I mean, depression is what honestly started this bout of anger, but fucking still." I raised my voice again, getting myself pissed off again. I took a few more hits to increase how high I was. 

"Okay, that makes sense. I don't recommend doing it that way though, anger can get out of hand quicker."

"Then what do I fucking do, Kenma?! Sit and just fucking feel empty? Feel like killing myself? That's all I've really felt today and God mother fucking fuck it sucks. I'm so sick of feeling like this, of not feeling, or being paralyzed and stuck in my head with intrusive thoughts!" I broke down for the second time today. I slid down the wall of the building and sat in the grass crying. 

Bang your head against the wall.

So, I fucking did. I only did it once, but I did it hard enough that Kenma called Kuroo out. 

"Any idea where Ukai is?" 

"I think he's in Tsukki's gym with Hinata and Akaashi."

"Get him. Now." Kenma said, and then turned his attention back to me. 

"Fuck everything." I tried to do it again. 

"No. Suga, you need to stop." 

"Why, to let myself keep living in this never ending cycle?" I screamed as I tried to do it a third time.