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●Chapter Fourteen●

I tried to eat a little bit, hoping I wouldn't just puke it up again. I wasn't feeling nauseous, but that could still be the meds taking effect. 

I grabbed a sandwich and juice, hoping it was enough to hold me till dinner. 

"So, What the hell was up with you two today on the court?" Asahi asked Daichi and I. Oh boy, here we go. 

"Just an off day I guess." Daichi shrugged. I could see Kuroo hiding a laugh, knowing we were both still pretty high.

"Well, you two better get your heads out of your asses, I'm tired of doing punishments." 

"It's not my fault I can't walk right today." I shrugged. Kuroo and Bokuto lost it. Asahi was dead silent, not sure what to say next. 

"Easiest way to shut him up, huh." Daichi laughed. 

"Oh I think I can do one better." Kuroo said. 

"Shoot your shot." I sat back and watched. 

"Hey, Asahi, who tops, you or Nishinoya?" Woah, okay. 

"I...How...How did you know about that?" He said, blushing bright red. 

"Don't worry about it, but answer the question, we're all curious." 

"No…" he said. I thought it couldn't get any better, but then Noya comes and walks over. 

"Nishinoya, who tops, you or Asahi?" Kuroo asked him before he could get a word in. 

"Me, why?" Holy fuck. Noya has no fucking shame. He said it straight faced and with no hesitation. 

"Noya, really?" Asahi looked over and pouted a little. 

"Oh, it's fine." He said, and then he whispered something in Asahi's ear that made him blush harder. We all just spent the rest of lunch teasing him about it. I think it's cute that Asahi has a soft side. I mean, Noya's personality doesn't exactly line up with the sub life, so I'm not surprised. 

I ate without any issues, which was good. I couldn't tell if I was fixing the issue I'd caused, or if I'm just that high that I don't give a flying fuck. 

On our way back to the gym I just listened in on conversations. They were pretty pointless; Kenma talking about his most recent video game fixation, Daichi going on a full ass tangent not even realizing because he's high, Kuroo laughing at Daichi. 

Today felt almost normal, if Normal was the word for this feeling. I don't remember what "normal" or "okay" is anymore. I thought cutting and breaking dowm was going to be my normal, but I guess I need to redo my personal definition of the word yet again in my life. And I'm sure I'll do it many more times along the way. 

For our third game, we had our BYE round, so I sat outside as usual, Daichi sitting with me looking at the sky. I kept dozing off. I couldn't stay awake. I was absolutely exhausted and I just wanted to lay here and sleep the rest of the day. 

"You kids need to learn to get some sleep." I heard Coach Ukai at the door. 

"Meh." I said, waving a hand and letting it flop back down to the grass. 

"How long he been doin this?" 

"A good...The whole game." Daichi answered. 

"Suga, head back to the dorms. Get some rest." He said. I heard the door closed, but I still answered hoping he'd stayed outside and didn't go back in. 

"I wanna play though." My words came out groggy and slurred. 

"You'll fall asleep on the court." Cool, he did stay outside. 

"Nah, I'll be fine." I sat up. I dozed off again and was startled awake when Coach sat down next to us and shook me awake. 

"Kid, take care of yourself." He said. 

"Fuck that, let me play." I said. I doubt feel Daichi's stare of worry. Coach looked worried too. 

Keep going. 

"You're going to burn yourself out. You know where that leads?"

Let yourself get burnt out, you deserve to feel the pain that comes after. 

"Hm?"

"Honestly, I think you're already pretty much there. Headaches, depressed, anxiety, feeling nauseous. I don't doubt that you may have a case of anxiety and depression, but being burned out will make that so much worse. I don't wanna see you get there."

You'll never get anywhere with volleyball if you let him talk you out of playing. 

"I'll be perfectly fine. I need to play." 

"Need?" 

Get on that court. 

"I...I feel like such a failure. I mean, I'm getting shown up by a first year, for God's sake! I need to be on that court, I need to play. You gotta understand." 

No one understands, you're fucking crazy. 

"I get it. I may have been a regular in my third year, but I wasn't always. I played in college too. The younger ones showed me up the entire time I played. Sometimes that's just how it goes. It doesn't make you a bad player, it just means someone else went farther above than you did. It's not always a bad thing to have others stronger than you around, that's how you learn."

You're supposed to be the strong one. 

"I can't get stronger if I don't play."

"You can't get stronger if you get to the point where you try to kill yourself because you're so overworked and stressed. Trust me." He slightly moved his arm to show scars that are completely healed, but some of them look like they may have been deep. 

"They almost killed you?" I assumed.

"Kid...they did pretty much kill me. They had to resuscitate me. I was you once. I don't want to find you in the club room someday the way the old man found me." Old coach Ukai found him? That...God that had to have been hard. 

"I...I can't even say I won't end up that way. I'm fully aware that's the track I'm on. I...I was already hiding self harm cuts and scars long before this camp."

"Take a break today, okay. If you don't wanna go back to the dorms, I won't make you. Sit out here and relax. Don't worry about the game. You can't play properly when you're in this mindset." 

"I know...But that's why I want to play. It's a distraction."

"I get it, I really do."

"Then let me play." I was determined to get back in there.  

"Final decision, no." He said. He stared me down. 

"Fine...You're not wrong. And I hate that you're not wrong I just…"

"It's one day, you can play again tomorrow, and I'll let you practice after the games." He tried to compromise. 

"Deal." I said. I laid back in the grass, letting the sun hit me. 

"Good. You can chill out here, don't get too high, and don't send Daichi to play after he's smoked."

"Listen, it was funny." I laughed. Daichi laughed too. He's gonna be up there for a bit. 

"Okay, it was, but if someone gets hurt it's on me." 

"Fine." I rolled my eyes. 

"Good. If you need anything you know where to find me. Daichi, next match is starting." He stood up and walked inside the gym, Daichi followed behind after he gave me a hug and a kiss. I laid back and looked at the sky. 

Why are you still trying?
 
Why do you think you're good enough?

Why do you think it'll get better?

I tried to ignore it, pulling out my phone and playing some music. Oh, of course the first thing that comes on is Never Ending Nightmare by Citizen Solider. I let it play anyways and sang along to the lyrics, trying to let myself relax and let my mind stop running.

Word Count; 1291