Empty

●Chapter One●

Another night, another breakdown. I laid in my bed feeling helpless. Crying, pain shooting through my arms, feeling like I can't breathe, my body going completely numb and tingling. I hated this, but I'm not sure what to do to stop it. 

So I just laid there. I let those intrusive thoughts take over. 

Not good enough
Slow
Annoying
Worthless
Replaceable 
Unwanted

I felt like I couldn't move, but I tried to move to grab my knife off my nightstand. I rolled up my shorts and dug a few slices into my thighs. Just enough to get some kind of release. 

I just watched the blood flow from my leg. I didn't cut deep enough for any real damage to happen, incase I actually got put into a game, but it was enough to scar up eventually. 

I walked to the bathroom next to my room to clean the cuts and bandage them. After that I walked back to my room, still crying, to see my phone lighting up with a phone call. It was Daichi. What did he want at midnight?

I tried to make my voice sound as normal as possible and answered. 

"Daichi, hey. What's up?" 

"Hey Suga, I just wanted to run over some lineups for the 2 week training camp we start tomorrow." Training camp? Did I forget a whole ass trip?

"Uh...Sure what do you have in mind?" I tried not to make it obvious that I'd forgotten. 

"It's mostly the same as usual, but I wanna move a few people around, and give you some more play time as well."

"You don't have to do that -"

"I want to. Now, I think you and Tsukishima could make a good combo, so I wanna try that out a bit. Maybe get another cool weapon to use."

"I don't know man, you think Tsukki is up for working with me?" I asked. 

"Why wouldn't he be? Everyone is, it's you." He said. 

"I mean...I guess…"

"I also wanna try and move your position. I know you're a setter, but maybe we can try and have you defend?"

"Worth a shot." I agreed. Meaning I'll be landing on my legs a lot more if we do that, possibly diving for the ball. I need to find another way to self harm. 

"Good. Now, are you okay? Your voice sounds kinda nasally, and you're sniffling. Don't tell me you caught a cold over the weekend." Shit.

"Nah man, I'm...I'm good just….allergies. yeah….allergies." 

"Uh-huh...alright. Well, you better feel better by tomorrow morning, we're gonna kick ass."

"If you say so, Daichi. Goodnight."

"Night dude, see ya soon." The line ended. Damn. Fresh cuts and the possibility of diving tomorrow. This should be fun. 

*~*

I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. I was too worried about the training camp I somehow forgot about, my fresh cuts, trying to learn a new position, so many things. 

I got dressed in practice shorts, one of my white practice shirts, my team jacket, and my sneakers. I tossed two weeks worth of clothes into a backpack, along with my phone charger, earbuds, meds in case anyone on the team may need it, a book to read in case I get bored in downtime, and in a hidden pocket I put my knife and bandages in case I needed either. 

On my way out, I grabbed my usual practice bag that was sitting beside the door. When I walked outside, I saw Daichi and Asahi waiting for me. 

"O-oh, hey guys!" I gave a small wave.