Empty

●Chapter Nine●

●Sugawara's Point of View●

When he noticed I saw them, he looked down as if he was about to cry. 

"I don't want you to end up where I did…" he said. 

"Where...Where did you end up? If...if you're comfortable telling me, that is."

"Yeah...I...I'll tell you…" he took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, but he cried through the whole thing. I didn't realize he'd felt this way before. It explains why he's so adamant to get me to stop. He was in a ward twice in the same year. I can only imagine…

"I...I'm sorry, Daichi."

"You didn't know, it's okay. But even though I'm nearly 4 years clean, there's still days I wanna grab a knife or a pair of scissors and relapse. When those days come up, I just...throw myself into the game. I go harder than anyone on the court. And when I'm off the court, I try and find other distractions."

"But how'd you get to that point? To where you were able to ignore the voices. I can't." 

"Extensive therapy."

"Well, I don't wanna do that."

"I know. I wouldn't wish a psych ward on anyone, they suck. But...That's why I'm going to help you. But you need to try and listen. I know it'll take a bit, but I need you to give a hundred percent effort."

"I promise I'll try." I said. 

"Good, let's get to the court." He stood and helped me off the ground where we were sitting. 

*~*

When we got to the gym, the game had already started. We didn't get subbed in for the first set, so we just watched as our team struggled against Nekoma. Kuroo waved from the court when he saw us walk in. I waved back, I'm not sure if Daichi even noticed. 

Cut

No. Ignore it. It's not there. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. 

Kill yourself.

I started fidgeting, messing with the hem of my shirt. Daichi noticed and grabbed my hand. 

"It's okay. Focus on the game." He whispered. He rubbed his thumb over my hand, trying to help. As the thoughts got louder, I squeezed his hand tighter. 

You're worthless

You're not good enough

Cut

"I love you…" I whispered. I saw him smile. His smile drowned out everything. I'd do anything to see that smile. 

So...I'll fight. I'll fight as long as I damn well have to. I'll live. And I'll do it all for him. 

*~*

Soon enough, we were put into a game. It was the second set against Nekoma. I took a deep breath and tried to focus. 

"Hey, Suga, you good? Saw you and Daichi came late." Kuroo talked through the net. 

"Oh - yeah. I just…" I trailed off, I couldn't find the words 

"We'll talk later, don't worry. No one else on Nekoma knows anything." He reassured me. That was nice to know at least. Means the other teams probably know nothing, except maybe that I passed out. But that happens a lot, right? 

I tried what Daichi had suggested; completely throw myself into the game. Work harder than everyone. Every single thought revolves around this game. Try to make every set perfect, every receive from every ball sent down on us.