A Season of Firsts

Chapter 24

A few hours later, I'm tucked up in bed, watching the clock on my bedside table count down the minutes to midnight. Me and Hallie stuffed our faces with badly decorated cookies, and talked about everything that was on my mind about Rory. I guiltily admitted to going on a date with Felix, and her jaw dropped so fast the cookie she was eating nearly fell right back out of her mouth. I got severely reprimanded with a slap to the back of the head and a few choice words, but she knows that I didn't mean to hurt Rory like I did, so she forgave me. Mabel and Hallie down, everyone else to go.

As I lie there, I wonder what my mum would think about my decisions. Would she be ashamed of me? Or would she understand why I did what I did - subconsciously intending to push Rory away so that I wouldn't get hurt again. Look how well that worked out for me. I miss her. I wish I could ask her what to do, how to make it right. She always gave the best advice.

The clock beeps as it turns to 00:00. I send Cara a quick message, ignoring the time difference, to wish her a happy Christmas with a promise to call her when I wake up. Then I close my eyes, hope that she can hear me from somewhere and whisper into the darkness, "Merry Christmas, Mama. I love you."

Sleep escaped me for most of the night, so I am out of bed and sitting by our tiny makeshift Christmas tree way before Hallie has even stirred. Next to the tree, because it's not tall enough to fit gifts under it, are our presents for each other, and a few more for people like Chase, Leo... and Rory. I haven't decided whether I should give it to him yet. Mabel helped me pick it out for him when we went shopping - it's a vintage hockey sweatshirt, and Mabel's exact words were, "Oh my God, he is going to die, he loves stuff like this," when I picked it up off the rack, so I knew I had to get it for him.

And for Hallie, and Chase I suppose, there's a framed photo. I secretly sent off my film to be developed so it would be more of a surprise, and the photo of Hallie and Chase on the ice rink turned out even better than I could have hoped. They look so in love, and the light is hitting their faces perfectly, reflecting off their eyes. When I first saw it, I knew I had to get it blown up so they could treasure the memory forever.

It's still only quarter to seven in the morning, and I rack my brain for something to do. I look at Rory's gift again across the room, wrapped so neatly in shiny paper and adorned with a big red bow, and I don't want it to go to waste. I rush to my room and throw on any warm clothes I can find, wanting to get out and get back before Hallie wakes up.

I grab the parcel on my way out of the door, and half speed walk, half run to Rory's apartment. When I reach my destination, I hop up the stairs two at a time and leave the gift on his doorstep before I can second guess myself. I tucked a note under the bow. It reads, I'm sorry for everything. Merry Christmas. I didn't sign my name, because I don't think he's broken up with many other people in the past few days.

To my dismay, Hallie is waiting for me when I get back not half an hour later. "Hey, you're up early! Merry Christmas," I go to give her a hug.

"Merry Christmas! Where have you been, missy?"

"Hm, nowhere, I just had to drop a gift off for someone," I avoid saying who the gift was for, because I know she'll have something to say about it.

"I'll let you off this once, but only because I've been dying to open the one with my name on it since I woke up," she bounces around on her tiptoes, eager to get the Christmas proceedings underway.

I scoop it up off the floor and hand it to her. "Have at it," I grin, anticipating her reaction.

She rips the paper off in record time, and gasps when she sees what's beneath it. "Oh wow, it's stunning," she says, not taking her eyes off the photo for a second, "How did I not notice you were taking photos? You're so talented Addy. Thank you," she says, heartfelt gratitude lining her words. I nearly tear up from the happiness I feel, a contrast from the past couple of days. "You're welcome. Come here," I laugh, going in for another hug. We squeeze each other tightly, and she breaks apart first, reaching for my gift from beside the tree. It's a big, bright red gift bag with a sparkly silver bow stuck on it. I knew she would go overboard.

"What's this?"

"Me and Cara went halves, because we saw it and just had to get it for you. Open it!" She screeches excitedly.

I tentatively peel the sticky tape away from the top of the bag and peer inside. I gasp when I see the contents – a beautiful black leather backpack with my initials, AM, embossed on the front. I lift it out of the gift bag carefully and cradle it, my jaw agape as I take it in. "Look inside!" Hallie says excitedly, "It's for your camera equipment, and it has loads of different compartments so your stuff won't move around. Do you like it?"

"I love it!" I pull on the zip and open it up, revealing the intricate compartments, "thank you so much, it's perfect. I don't have to constantly worry about breaking my camera now."

"That was the idea. You looked like you were about to chop off a limb when you handed it over to Rory," she grins.

"I didn't know how good he was with his hands!" I say, laughing, then dissolve into fits of giggles when Hallie's eyes widen at my innuendo.

"There's the Addy we know and love," she says, scooting over to sit closer to me.

"Sorry, I've been a crappy friend since... well, you know."

"You've not been a crappy friend, you've been hurting. Breakups are tough."

"When do you think it'll it stop hurting?" I look up and meet her eyes, putting my vulnerability on show.

"Any day now," she says, and we both know it's a lie.