A Season of Firsts

Chapter 18

"Where have you been?" are the words Cara greets me with as I walk through the door at 9pm. She's sprawled on the sofa in her pyjamas while The Vampire Diaries plays in the background, looking at me sternly. It's like I'm 15 again, getting in the house past my curfew.

"Where's Hallie?" I ask, stalling, because I am not looking forward to this conversation.

"We had a chill night, but she went to stay over at Chase's place. And don't avoid the question. Were you with Rory?"

I think she knows the answer to that question already, judging by the unpleasant expression on her face. I sigh, and say, "No, I was with Felix."

"On a date?"

"No, it wasn't a date, it was a friend hang out."

She scoffs at me as I go to join her on the sofa, stripping my coat off. "Yeah, right. I met Felix at the party, remember?" I don't actually, because I think she met him after our round of tequila shots. "He was making sexy eyes at you the whole time, and constantly trying to touch you."

I know this is supposed to be a lecture, but I can't contain the laugh that spurts out. "Sexy eyes? Seriously?"

"Yes, sexy eyes!" she exclaims in exasperation. "He was undressing you with them!"

"Oh, he's harmless. I have explicitly stated on numerous occasions that we are just friends. Can you just drop it?" I am definitely not about to tell her that he kissed me. I will eventually, but right now I don't feel like proving her right.

"I will, but Rory might not."

"We're not discussing Rory," I say bluntly.

"Why, because you won't let yourself open up to him?"

"That's not the reason we aren't together." I say, gritting my teeth. I'm really not in the mood for this after the disaster of a date I just had.

"Oh yeah, what's the reason then? I'd love to hear it." She's pushing me, because she knows she's the only one who can get away with it. If anyone else was trying to have this conversation with me, I would have ended it by now.

Though that doesn't stop the aggravation building inside me as she looks at me pointedly, as if I owe her an explanation.

When I answer her with silence, her impatience flares. "Don't think I don't see the way you laugh when you're with him, like you don't have a care in the world. And I see the way he looks at you as well. You would be so good together," she says, exasperated.

"What are you so afraid of? Why are you holding yourself back from this?" she raises her voice at me, and my control snaps.

"I can't lose him like I lost mum!" I shout in anguish. "I can't do that again! It almost killed me the first time," my voice breaks as I say the words, and I shrink into the sofa cushions, bringing my knees up to my chest.

The tears start to flow as Cara moves to sit next to me, wrapping her arm round my shoulders. She rests her head in the crook of my neck, and says softly, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted. It kills me how unhappy you are, and when I see how happy Rory makes you, it just doesn't make sense to me that you would push him away."

She pauses, and I know she's thinking about whether to ask me something. "What makes you think that you would lose him?"

"We're from different worlds. I don't know where I'm going in life, and I don't want to open myself up to loving him when I don't know if we could ever last."

"Isn't it worth finding out?"

I have no words to answer her, so I just rest my head on top of hers and sit there with her for a long time, trying to arrange my thoughts.

"What do you think she would want me to do?" I ask tentatively.

"I think you already know the answer to that. She would want you to be happy, and I've never seen a boy make you as happy as Rory does."

'She' is my mum. My beautiful, amazing, hilarious, loving mum. When she passed away in a car accident six months ago, she ripped a piece of my heart out of my chest and took it with her.

For a long while, I was just numb. I barely talked, hardly ate, and the only emotion I felt was overwhelming sadness.

It's one of the reasons that my dad pushed me to go travelling, mainly so I could get away from the memories that our house contains and meet new people that don't give me pitying looks every time they see me.

Cara has always been my rock, but I never needed her like I did then. She was by my side as much as she could be, she physically held me up at the funeral, and she helped me move on by teaching me to cherish the happy memories.

That's when I knew if I never made another friend in my life, I would still be okay as long as I had her. She's my frickin' soulmate, and I tell her that every chance I get.

I also know that she knows what is best for me. I know she's right. Rory makes me happy, and I think I make him happy. I need to stop hiding.

"I'm going to tell Rory how I feel," I say, testing the words out.

"Yeah?" Cara asks, surprised at my change of heart.

"It's not fair to string him along, and it probably won't turn into anything serious anyway. We can just have fun."

"Okay, if that's what you want. You know I'll support you whatever you choose."

"You weren't saying that earlier," I joke, trying to lighten the mood.

"I know, but you needed a push, and no one else was volunteering."

"I bet they weren't," I laugh.

"Do you think Rory will want to be with me?" I ask tentatively, starting to question my decision.

"Is that a serious question? Have you seen the way he acts around you?" Cara scoffs.

"Maybe he acts that way around other girls, not just me."

"Somehow I doubt it," she says, giving me an incredulous look. "Stop overthinking it. You've made your decision, and I'm not letting you back out now. You can go to talk to Rory once I've left for the airport tomorrow, and I will call you as soon as I land back home for an update. Deal?"

I roll my eyes, but offer my pinky finger to link with hers and say, "Deal."

"That's my girl," Cara smiles at me, pride radiating from it as she hugs me close to her.