I'm With You

12

TW's:
-None

Clay's POV

The next morning I went to school after only eating a banana. I cycled to school, being really weak and lightheaded. I wasn't sure why I felt this bad lately. My dad blamed my eating behaviour, but I didn't understand why. I was just eating healthy, that wouldn't make me feel weak, right?

I arrived at school and parked my bike, walking inside of the school to see Sapnap sit down on a bench. He was leaning backwards while holding his phone, but then looked up.

'Oh hi, Clay!' he said.

I smiled and sat down next to him with a sigh. I had constantly been thinking about what happened at the gym yesterday and wanted to talk about it.

'Sapnap, it's so weird.'

'What's up?'

'I was at the gym yesterday and there was this boy who came for the first time. He was a bit shorter, had dark brown hair and brown eyes. I helped him exercise a bit. He told me that he gets very relaxed when he swims, so I invited him over at our swimming pool. He has Tourette's Syndrome and seemed so happy that I accepted him.'

Sapnap was just constantly smiling while I was talking about George.

'His name is George and he was really handsome- I mean- I can find guys handsome, right?'

'Of course you can,' Sapnap said. 'I find you handsome, that's nothing weird.'

'He's also really cute, he giggled pretty cutely sometimes. I hugged him to calm him down and my heart went so fast.'

Sapnap bursted out into laughter and nodded. 'I'm starting to believe that you might have feelings for that boy.'

My face heated up and I started bending my fingers backwards, sighing softly. 'I'm not gay?' I said with a questioning tone. I didn't even know it myself anymore. 'I feel like I can't be gay.'

'Why wouldn't you be able to be gay?'

'I'm kind of popular among the girls, I can't be that one popular gay boy.'

'Why do you care about what the girls think of you? If you're gay, you will never be able to like any of those girls.'

'I don't know if I'm gay,' I muttered. 'I have just always assumed I was straight. What makes you think that I'm gay?'

'You talk about that guy like you're in love with him and you've never shown interest in girls.'

'I'm not in love,' I mumbled awkwardly. 'Sapnap, is being gay wrong?'

'Why would it be wrong?'

'I'm popular and then I would suddenly be an idiot with a boyfriend one day.'

'That's their problem, if you would end up with a girlfriend, they also wouldn't have a chance. What do you think makes you happier? A boyfriend or a girlfriend?'

I looked at my hands, tapping the table as I sighed. 'B-boyfriend.'

'Well, then that's official. Congrats on being an official gay.'

'Excuse me?' I giggled.

Sapnap rolled his eyes. 'You're officially gay.'

'No, I'm not, dumbass,' I said.

'Sure, that's what they all say. This is exactly step one.'

'Step one?'

'Step one in the gay process. The first step is denial.'

'The gay process? Dude, what did you take this morning?'

'I had a big bowl of cereal and milk.'

I shivered, all those added sugars. He could get sick without even realising it.

'No, but for real, Clay. I love you either way, if you're gay then congrats.'

'I don't know if I'm gay, but please don't tell anyone. Also not if I appear to be gay, I don't want anyone to know yet. You know how this school is, the news will spread within a day throughout the whole school. I don't want to be known as the popular gay guy or whatever they're going to call me.'

'I promise you that I won't tell anyone,' Sapnap said. 'I promise you on everything.'

I smiled and Sapnap wrapped his arm around me, laughing with a playful grin. 'So, now spill the tea. Who is that guy?'

I giggled and noticed my face heating up. 'His name is George as I said and I think he's the most handsome boy I've ever seen. He's short and it's so cute. When I hugged him, I felt on another planet.'

'And you're trying to convince me that you're not gay and you don't like him?'

'I just don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I've never felt anything for a boy. I haven't felt anything for a girl either, but it's weird to feel different around a boy when I always expected to be straight.'

'You're not asexual, right? Just ask yourself if you'd rather do sexual stuff with a boy or a girl?'

'Isn't that really weird to think about?'

'Dude, you're a seventeen year old boy who goes through puberty. I think almost every boy, who isn't asexual, has fantasies about either girls or boys.'

My face heated up even more and I thought about a boy's body in comparison to a girl's one. I didn't feel much when I thought about girls, but when I imagined a boy's body, my heart started beating faster and I coughed awkwardly as I sat back up.

Sapnap looked at me and smiled. 'Whatever you prefer is fine.'

I nodded slowly and hitched a breath as I looked at him. 'I guess uh- I liked thinking about boys more. I think I would like doing sexual things with a boy more.'

'I'm not labelling you, but that sounds pretty gay to me.'

'Are you weirded out now I said that?'

'Not at all, you're just gay.'

'Do I actually like George? Is that even possible when I just met him?'

'It's possible to like someone immediately and I wish someone spoke about me the way you speak about George.'

I dramatically rested my head on Sapnap's shoulder. 'But he's so cute, Sap.'

'Dude, you're so gay. How did you not know this?'

'Because I've never felt like this before.'

'Go for it, dude.'

'But he might be straight.'

'At least give it a try. If he's straight, he can tell you soon enough.'

'I don't want to be heartbroken.'

'You'll be heartbroken if you don't take a step either. Go for it and I'll see what happens.'

'Ugh, fine,' I said with a sigh.

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