Crimson Summer || Book Two

58| She Will Be Loved

~Tora~

"Princess Liliana Mililani Elyse of Crimson,"

I tell the nurse our daughter's name as she types it onto her birth certificate and inserts the small microchip into her wrists containing all of her information for now. Later it would hold her passkeys for programs, currency, and tablets, but today it only holds her name.

Bundled in her white lacey blanket, my daughter gurgles as she looks up at me and slowly closes her beautiful heterochromatic eyes with my warmth and safety. She's absolutely perfect, gorgeous, and in love with me, but I feel numb towards her.

I will my heart to flood with warmth and love to overflow into her, but it stops short. I thought it would be different when I gave birth to her after growing her and protecting her for four months but instead we're back at square one. I've made no progress and I'm still the shitty mother that refused to meet her first kicks.

"What's wrong?" Casper asks once the nurse leaves and he sits down beside me with his hand gently rested on my thigh. Galen had gone to pick up the car seat since we are being discharged soon and Micah was outside the room on a business call. Leaving it up to Casper to quickly question my silence the second it was just us.

"I'm just tired," I reassure myself more than anything as I look at Lily's sweet sleeping face and start to get frustrated by my lack of emotion.

"Mmm, try again," Casper rejects the notion, wanting me to go deeper than the surface when in reality I'm terrified of his judgment. The harsh berating he might give me, possibly going as far as calling me ungrateful and I wouldn't blame him.

But I can't hold it in and keep it to myself anymore.

"I can't...I don't feel anything Cas. It's like, I want to love her so fucking badly. I want to look at her tiny squishy face and feel like my heart is about to explode. I want to be proud of this tiny human I've grown. But it's like I'm numb to it all. I feel nothing, she doesn't even feel like she's my baby. I know it's wrong and I'm trying so hard to fix it, but I can't and it's frustrating. My body is treating her like some kind of obligation while my brain is fighting to make her more and I just, I feel like the shittiest mom in the world," I confess my darkest conflicting sin, ready to meet my Casper's harsh words to remind me of my place.

"Baby, I'm so sorry you feel this way, but it's okay," He says instead and I glare at him.

"How is it okay? I don't love my own baby," I whimper and Casper gently takes my hand in his, giving it a small squeeze.

"Well, it's not surprising considering how Lily was a result of despicable events we still never dare to speak about. Of course, you're going to have postpartum depression, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's normal to feel this way and you do love her it's just going to take some time maybe a sprinkle of therapy to get your body to feel the same. But you are not a shitty mother, you're just having a hard time baby and that's okay." Casper explains, bringing light to what I thought was a hopeless situation.

"Thank you," I sniffle as I try to hold my tears back and Cas leans in to kiss my forehead.

"You are an incredibly strong and beautiful Mama and our babies are so lucky to have you," He reminds me and I back down at my sleepy little girl between us. Holding my newfound hope in my soft protective cradling of her small body.

"It's funny how Myah and Lily both don't look like me at all, I'm starting to think our baby will look like you too," I quietly mention and Casper's warm smile gets me every time.

"Let's not talk about more babies for a while and just embrace the two we have," Cas tries to be all responsible, but I know he's patiently aching inside.

"But I want them to be close in age like you three, I was hoping maybe we could try as soon as the doctor clears me," I mention, but he shakes his head.

"No babe, you almost died yesterday and I can't live without you. Besides I can wait a few more years, let's focus on your health instead," Cas denies me and it feels like we're back to where I was before I was pregnant with Lily, begging for Casper to be first when he put his foot down.

"But-"

"No buts Tora, please. Maybe one day in the future," He says and he forgets that I can see right through him putting my needs before his wants and acting as though he doesn't want what's probably very bad for me.

"Do you not know the man you married? I'll get you one way or another, watch me." I huff as Lily shifts and I instinctually check on her, my heart skipping a beat as I make sure she's okay.

"Oh I know stubborn and reckless man I married, but this is a fight I refuse to lose. See my foot? It's on the floor," Casper points and I look over, raising my brow at the sight.

"I dunno, looks like just the tips of your toes are touching meaning there's hope for me yet," I mention and he deepens his frown.

"Well it takes two to tango and I'm not dancing," He says and I scoff.

"I think you underestimate how easy it is to get you to dance," I shrug and my mini Galen steals my attention when she smacks her precious little lips.

"Yup, I want a mini Casper too, we have to complete the collection," I say and Casper wheezes with laughter.

"What about a mini Tora huh?" He asks and I shrug.

"We don't need one to look like me, they'll all be like me at heart," I tell him and he continues to play with my fingers, kissing me again but this time meeting my lips. Then he pauses and kisses Lily's forehead while remaining close to me.

"What would we even name a mini Casper?" He asks entertains the idea and I smirk.

"MC, for Mini Casper of course," I tell him my sweet Casper laughs as he squeezes my hand.

"We're not naming any child we have after me, it's just asking for trouble at that point," He warns and I give him the biggest eye roll I can muster.

"You like the idea though, see what happens when you just put your toes on the ground?" I remind him and he groans.

"Tora, I'm serious,"
"And so am I,"