The Madonna, The Virgin, and The Whore

Chapter Thirteen

MARY

Everything about the day was gloomy-- the sky, the rain, the slight chill in the air, and especially our spirits. We had just put dad in the ground and I felt hollowed out, like all the emotion had just been sucked out of me and I had nothing left anymore. Our neighbor, Mrs. Webber, had her arms locked around me in a sympathetic hug, but I couldn't feel them and kept my arms pinned to my sides. The old lady was saying something to me about dad, but I wasn't listening. My eyes were locked on him, standing a few yards back and keeping a respectable distance.

I wasn't sure if Matt was actually going to show up today. I hadn't checked the numerous voicemails he left me, or the dozens of texts he sent. I was avoiding dealing with things; I knew that. My eyes wandered back over to dad's grave. My heart could only deal with one loss at a time.

Lexi almost lost it when she saw him at the church. I had to grab onto her hand and physically restrain her from storming over and berating him for showing up. But I didn't want a scene, not at dad's funeral or around his friends, and so far Matt hadn't approached me. So I told Lexi to ignore him. I was confident that him being there wouldn't make the day any worse than it already was.

Lexi took my hand and pulled me to her. "You okay?" she asked.

I looked up and nodded. "Holding in there."

"Me too." She squeezed my hand. Erin joined us and took my other hand in hers stood. The small crowd thinned out as everyone instinctively giving us the space we needed. The three of us just stood there together in the misty rain. I felt stronger with each of my sisters flanking my sides and hoped we'd be able to get through this together.

"I can't believe he's really gone," Lexi admitted.

I nodded my head in agreement, knowing exactly what she meant. Dad wasn't around much, but it was always a relief just to know that he was there if we needed him. But now, we truly were alone. It was just the three of us.

"Do you think she knows?" Erin asked in a whisper. I turned my head, surprised that she was the one asking. I didn't think Erin ever thought about mom; I certainly hadn't heard her so much as mention her in years. It broke my heart to imagine what she had locked away inside her and would never let out.

"I don't think it matters Air Bear." I rest my head on her shoulder.

"It doesn't," Lexi agreed. "She wouldn't have cared anyway."

Lexi had the least memories of our mother, and I often felt bad about that because she didn't remember any of the good times-- mom taking us to sleep out on the beach in the summers when dad was at work, making pancakes for us for dinner because she forgot to defrost the meat, or turning the radio up and dancing with us in the kitchen. All Lexi knew about our mom was that she abandoned us, but I guess in the long run that was all that really mattered. That one choice she made, canceled everything else out.

When we got back to the house things were frenzied for a bit. We had a constant stream of people pouring through the front door, neighbors, dad's coworkers at the plant, his fishing buddies, and they all brought over casseroles and condolences. For a while there it felt like it would never end-- the hugs, the sympathetic smiles, the promises of dad being in a better place. It was all too much.

Erin was talking to Will and his mom in the living room, Lexi was nowhere to be found, and I was stuck pouring drinks for a group of men dad knew from the Tackle & Bait shop up the road. I almost groaned out loud when the doorbell rang again.

"Excuse me." I apologized to the men and made my way over to the door. I wasn't looking forward to any more mourners, but a part of me was relieved to be out of the conversation those gentlemen were having over what bait my father preferred to use.