The Madonna, The Virgin, and The Whore

Chapter Four

MARY

I shifted uncomfortably in my first class seat, trying to concentrate on reading my magazine, but mot giving a crap over Who Wore It Best. My mind kept drifting back to my dad. We shared a house for twenty-two years, and yet it was still like we were almost strangers when I finally left home for good. I had graduated from college, Erin was away at Tufts, and Lexi had already taken off. Matt had just been picked up by the Seahawks and asked me to go with him to Seattle. It was the first choice I made for me in a long time. Looking back though... I'm not sure it was the right one.

When our mother took off on us, there was no discussion about how things around the house were going to change. After a night full of tears I woke up late the next morning only to find my father still sleeping off his shift. The empty beer cans on the coffee table let me know how he was coping with my mother's abandonment.

Lexi was sitting in front of the television watching cartoons and eating a package of Oreos. I stomped over to her and snatched them out of her hand making her little pink lip jut out in protest. "Erin said I could have them."

I looked across the room over at my other sister as she tugged on her sneakers. Her tall body was bent over and her lank hair, hid her face. She shrugged, ignoring the two of us and concentrating on tying her laces.

"Where are you going?" I asked, watching her in disbelief. It was like she had hardened overnight. Erin wouldn't look at me and her whole body was coiled up and guarded.

"For a run."

I shook my head. "Uh-uh. No. The bus is going to be here soon." Lexi began to inch back towards the Oreos but I swiped them out of her reach. "And you are not having cookies for breakfast!"

She scowled at me but it was nothing compared to the look Erin gave me. "You are not our mother," she seethed with both animosity and hurt lacing her voice.

I stared back at her for a moment. She was right. I wasn't their mother, but in thirty minutes the school bus was about to show up and if I didn't make sure they were dressed and on it, no one would. "Too bad," I shot back at her. "Go take Lexi and get dressed for school. I'll make you guys something to eat."

Both of them just sat there staring at me-- Lexi looking confused, and Erin challenging me with a glare. "Go!" I commanded, barking at both of them to get moving. They didn't argue any further. They reluctantly got up and trudged off to their bedrooms in a huff.

Matt squeezed my hand, pulling me back from the memory, and I looked down and realized his hand was resting on mine this whole time.  I hadn't noticed.

"You doing okay?" He brushed my hair back off my face and studied me as I stared back into his handsome face and nodded. He leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek, and then squeezed my hand again, before going back to his phone.

My smile stayed frozen on my face like it was permanently locked there. I feared that I'd played this part for so long that I'd actually been consumed by it. I turned my head, stared out the window, and took in the clouds, wondering what the hell had happened to me. Every day I was finding it harder and harder to get out of bed and go through the motions. It started long before Dad, but was even worse now. I knew I was depressed; it didn't take a genius to see, but what I couldn't figure out was why. I had almost everything I ever wanted and yet I still felt empty inside.

Matt and I started dating when we were around fourteen. We were freshmen in high school and he'd already made varsity in football, which was practically unheard of. So when he asked me, out of all people, to go to homecoming with him I giddily accepted. We were officially a couple by the next day.

Since then, Matt had always been the perfect boyfriend. Handsome, athletic, funny, and kind, he never complained if I had to break a date because one of my sister's was sick, or if I couldn't go to a party because it was Lexi's birthday and someone had to bake her cake. We'd been together forever, and I shared some of the most important moments in my life with him.

When we were separated for those four years in college, I was certain he was going to break up with me. But he never gave me reason to question him. He called when he said he would, texted me constantly, and visited or flew me up whenever he had the chance. Matt had never been anything but committed, and that did nothing but fuel my guilt over how restless I was feeling.

We'd hadn't been living together long, but things weren't how I'd imagined them to be. I was in a new state, didn't know a soul, and didn't have a job. Matt spent a lot of time away from home either traveling, practicing, or playing. His whole life was the team and although I should have been used to it by now, it still didn't make it any easier.

"Babe, you know I can only stay for the two days, right? I've got to fly back to Philly to meet up with the team."

I turned back to Matt and forced another smile as I nodded my head. I knew he had to get back; he'd already told me twice. In fact, I was painfully aware that I was lucky Matt could even able to make the trip at all. The fact that his days off just happened to coincide with my father's death worked out perfectly for him. I tried to let the shame fight off the bitterness I was feeling. It was unfair of me to resent Matt for living out his dream. After all, he had wanted to play professionally for as long as I knew him, and I was the one who had chosen to follow him. That was on me.

"Your parents will be glad to see you." I changed the subject, attempting to ease some of the guilt I felt.

Matt was going to be staying at his parents' house while I stayed at my place with my sisters. "Killing two birds with one stone," he had said, happy to get a visit with his parents out of the way the same weekend we were burying my father.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay with me over at my folks?" He took my hand in his, and it was so natural I almost didn't even feel it.

"I know how hairy things can get with your sisters." He pulled a face and my small smile grew. This time it was genuine.

I'd been with Matt for so long that he'd seen it all. He was there to witness, and even take part in, some of the worst battles between my sisters and me. But there was no way I was staying with his parents. My smile slipped.

Mr. and Mrs. Collins were nice and all, but in all the years we'd been together they never really warmed up to me. I always got the feeling that they were waiting for Matt dump me and trade up for something better. They weren't outwardly hostile by any means; I just wasn't comfortable spending too much time with them.

I shook my head. "I've got to sort everything out at the house, and it's important that I spend some time with Erin and Lexi." In a small way I was also relieved that I'd be getting some space from Matt. He'd been traveling so much lately that I'd gotten used to not having him around and his sudden presence these last two weeks has started to feel a little suffocating.

It didn't use to be like this though; I used to count down the days until I had him all to myself, but things had changed. Something was different and I didn't know what it was, yet I did my best to ignore the little voice in my head reminding me that it felt off for a long time now. I'd gotten good at pretending that little voice didn't exist; it was the only way I was able to function anymore.