Ride

1: Now or Never

Chapter 1

I had to go. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t love them, maybe I did but love wasn’t really the word. Love wasn’t an easy word for me to say. I have never said it to anyone. Excluding the instances when I was young, but that didn’t really count, did it? Living with them for seventeen years have taught me to hate them. My childhood wasn’t bad; it was the people in it that ruined me. My parents never cared, my brothers were way too important for them that I was just some miniscule detail lost in the blue that people have began to forget.

I began to cut in grade seven. I began taking pills in grade eleven; my suicidal thoughts began in grade nine. Have I asked for help? No one can say I haven’t because I did. I looked for psychiatrists, I consulted in my school counselor and I even tried to talk to my parents about it, what was their response one may ask? My mother’s response was a quizzical look and then a mountain of unnecessary questions and statements.

“Why would you do that?” 

“What’s the good in that?”

“Why are you like that?”

“Stop watching so many movies, they’re bad influence”

“Go find new friends”

Not once have they asked me if I was okay, if I needed help or told me that they still loved me no matter what. They have seen my cuts. I haven’t showed it to them, but they’ve seen it. My friends aren’t much help either. I had one or two real friends but after moving schools our dreams and plans together have dashed and faded into thin air. They’ve made new friends, new experiences and new sweethearts while I just stayed in my own suffering begging God to cut my life, right here and right now. I don’t know how much longer I can take. It hurts so much, no one understands. Maybe that was cliché of me to say but after my search for help and my pleas for help it is safe to say that no one truly understands.

I just need the willpower to carry out suicide. I just need the push, the adrenaline and the courage to finally carry it out. The sad thing is that I am waiting for the day where I finally have the courage to cut the vein on my wrists, to swallow the amount of pills in my drawer. If living in this world, if being alive feels like I’m walking on broken glass each and every day then I want to end my suffering right now. Life has been hard, I’ve tried to conform to what everyone wants me to be, and I’ve tried so hard to please people but everything I do always has a negative outcome, and that negative outcome always outweighs the good. So it’s time for me to go. If I don’t have the courage to commit suicide then I’ll find another way around to end my suffering. My bags are packed. I’ve purchased a ticket using my earned cash and allowance.

I’m going anywhere. Anywhere but here, faraway from these people. And I’ve decided that they don’t even deserve an explanation. My bus leaves tonight at 7 p.m. to be exact. Maybe I will cry, but that is expected. I’m leaving my home of eighteen years. I’m throwing away my job as a waitress at the diner close to home and my one college acceptance letter to BYU. I have a total of a collected $4263 from my savings, my work, my sold artwork and I’m ready to go. My parents aren’t home tonight. It’s bingo night; my brothers are at some party.

I want to be free.

I want them to feel as if I was never in their lives. 

I looked around my room one last time. Tears are already prickling at the ends of my eyes but I managed to blink them away. Nothing changed; I didn’t want to bring anything that reminded me of them. My clothes however were half empty, my bathroom was empty too. Finally I took off the necklace my father had given me for my eighteenth birthday and placed it on my pillow. I cherished that day, but the next day was just the same as ever. With one last deep breath and last picture of my beloved and cozy room I turned off the lights. Two lights by the wall. Two lights by the bathroom door. I dragged my small luggage and duffel bag out of my room door before turning off the light by the door.

It was hard. A tear managed to slip out but I roughly wiped it away. I dragged my things through my house, taking last snapshots with my eyes as I walked by; one hand holding the suitcase and the other on the duffel strap that was hanging over my shoulder. Each room I walked by gave me a memory, but once they got too much I turned my head down towards my feet. I didn’t want to remember anything from this place. My legs felt like jelly, this was the boldest move I had ever taken but I was proud. I reached the front door, my shaky hand reached for the doorknob and with one last stinging breath I turned it and walked out. My cab hadn’t arrived yet so I sat with my things on the front porch steps. It was cold tonight; thankfully I had brought my coat as I rubbed the sides of my arm. I heard tires against the gravel road and then headlights shone ahead of me and this was my cue.

My cab’s here and I couldn’t back down now. Not after months of planning. No way. I stood up as the cab driver came out of the car to help me; he’s Mexican I can tell. That may be generic. He had a beer belly and an overgrown beard but he had that scruffy look that you can only find in the safe confinements of your grandfather. I smiled at him, hoping he didn’t see my tears. 

“Leaving home ma’am?” He asked.

“Yes,” I replied quietly. He simply nodded before beginning to pack my luggage into the trunk.

“Is this all? Short trip?” Talkative this one, I can tell our cab ride to the bus terminal would be an eventful one. But I was grateful; I needed someone to take my mind off what I was about to do. I needed someone to take my mind off what my family has done to me. 

“I need to take my mind off things for a while” I replied quietly.

“I understand ma’am” He smiled, his yellow teeth showing as he pulled his pants up by the belt loops before patting his stomache.

“Do you mind waiting for one second?” I enquired.

“No, no, of course” He said sincerely. 

“I will be right back, but please stay in the car. It is cold out and I will leave once I come out” He gave me a thumbs up before heading back to the yellow cab.

I rushed into the house, leaving the door open behind me. My next destination was the kitchen. I ran in and grabbed the notepad stuck onto the fridge, hastily I ripped out a piece of paper before running to my room as I grabbed a sharpie and began to scrawl in drably, shaky handwriting. I couldn't believe after contemplating running away for years I finally had the gut to do it. I left the note on the pillow beside the necklace, I bit my lip as I stared at the gold ornament for a little longer than I was supposed to, I finally made up my mind as I grabbed it and ran out the front door for the second time, but this time I slammed the door and rushed into the cab, the door closing right behind me as the cab driver drove into the night. The four words that I left behind, I hope for once my family would listen. I hope they would follow my last wish from them. 

“Don’t look for me.”