games ▹ muke

1.5 - thoughts

Luke was looking at me, waiting, so I passed him the plate, trying to not give away the churning feeling in my stomach. He muttered a muffled “thank you” as he devoured the food, and I sat down on the bed in front of him.

“This is amazing,” Luke complimented, pointing at the lasagna with his fork. I chuckled, shoveling my own food in my mouth. Man, I was really hungry.

For a while we just ate until our stomachs were more or less filled, and then our eyes met again.  “So you’re better then,” Luke said, putting the empty plate on the end of the table. I nodded, hoping that the worst part of my sudden illness was behind. Luke smiled, again. “So we’re back on for tomorrow, right?”

I looked at him with a question.

“We didn’t get to practice,” he reminded. “So, are you, um, up for meeting tomorrow? If you don’t, uh, if you don’t want t-”

“No, no, Luke,” I hurried to stop his stumbling over his own words. “Of course we’re up. I’ll meet you in that park, like we planned.” I gave him a small reassuring smile. He bit the inside of his lip, trying to hide his own smile. Again, he was cute.

“Alright, great, then I should probably get going,” he said, getting up and glancing outside the dark window, then back at me. “Thanks for the, uh, for the food, and for letting me hang around here.”

“Well it’s not like I had a choice,” I scoffed, remembering how he had basically forced me to give him my address. Luke made a grimace, it looked like the emoji with the teethy smile, only Luke scrunched his nose in addition. I laughed. “I’m joking, I really don’t mind you coming over.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow, then,” Luke said.

“Hey, text me when you make it home, alright?” I suddenly said. “It’s kind of late already…”

Well wasn’t that just the most pathetic thing I’d ever said.

“Sure,” he nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.

I sighed, trying to calm myself down. I didn’t even know why I was so shaky in the first place. It was just Luke, in the end.

I curled up under my blanket once again, I didn’t feel like doing anything else. I caught myself smiling and sighed. I really needed to stop that.

My phone buzzed.

hemmo1996: im alive and home

cliffordork: : -)

hemmo1996: hey that’s my smiley face u can’t use that

cliffordork: you can’t stop me

cliffordork: : -) : -) : -)

hemmo1996: I hate you

cliffordork: go to bed luke

He didn’t answer, probably following my advice, and I turned to the side, closing my eyes. I needed sleep.  Not that I wanted it, though. I slept the whole morning and half of the afternoon, and I didn’t do anything all day except talking to Luke. I wasn’t tired at all, so I could lay down and think.

First of all, I had to do something with my feelings. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t like Luke, he was just mesmerizing. The way he talked passionately about bands and songs he loved, and his habit of tripping over every word seemed to disappear for a while. The way he would laugh at my jokes, even if they were lame, and a deep dimple would appear on his right cheek. The way he looked at me with those magic eyes listening to every word I said. He made me feel special, and needed, and  just… better.

But I didn’t know how Luke felt about me. Of course, I wanted to believe he liked being friends with me and that he wasn’t just fucking around. But I couldn’t help but feel insecure, because no one ever liked me more than they liked someone else. No one actually insisted on seeing me again and again, like he did. And I didn’t want for it to turn out to be something usual for him, I didn’t want to be one of his twenty, thirty insignificant friends. And I always ended up there.

And, of course, I didn’t know if I could stop myself from liking Luke in that way, you know the one. I knew I was gay, but I didn’t know anything about Luke’s sexual orientation. What if he wasn’t gay? Would I be able to just be friends with him without making it awkward? Maybe he wouldn’t even want to know me if he found out.

Which is why I kept it secret. And God, I wanted to keep Luke secret too. I wanted him to be mine, and only mine.

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 double updating soon because this is boring af