Imprisoned Love

short rant

No, this is NOT a note where I say I'm not going to continue with this story. I am, so relax.

Anyway, if you're here since the beginning of the story, you absolutely know how awful I was with updating new chapters. I still am. I've been thinking about it for a while now and I remember how, when I was younger (13/14/15) and everything I would write it'd be TERRIBLE, I'd still update so much and in such short time. Like, I could write all day long and not get tired of it and I loved it so soooooo much, although I sucked at it.

I've realized that, as I got older, my responsibilities and commitment to my education and work have gotten bigger and harder but I'd lie if I say I don't have time to write. Because I do. A lot. So why? Whyyyyy am I so lazy when it comes to writing? Why do I start to miss it SO much after a long time of not being able to write a single letter? And when I do start to write again, I'd get tons of ideas and motivation to do so but it goes away quicker than it came?

In my sophomore year of high school, there was a competition which had different levels and it was held in the whole country. I wanted to be a part of it (there were a few sections but I was obviously up for literature) and so I sat down and started writing. That was the year where I was still dealing with serious depression and anxiety so the thing I wrote was rather dark than enjoyable. It expressed my inner self and helped me with finally being able to say something about it, even if it was behind a screen. It was also very metaphorical so many people who'd read it wouldn't understand if they've never been in that kind of situation before. Even though I was feeling extreme anxiety, I decided (with a help of my dear friend who supports me for so long, thank you so much and I love you) to print it and give it to my Croatian professor (I'm from Croatia if you haven't already noticed). She told me she'd check it out and tell me her thoughts about it and if it was any good, there was a chance of my work being sent to the competition! I was so scared and literally couldn't sleep. Not only was I exposing myself in a way, but it was my FIRST time that I let someone else who wasn't so close to me, read something that I wrote. 

I was absolutely terrified.

At first, my professor didn't know what to say to me. She told me she had to read it a few times to understand the meaning hidden behind those words but that it was very, very dark and sad story. Unfortunately, the competition that I wanted to go to was famous for its happy content and she told me straight away that I didn't have any chance of going further with it but that she'll send it anyway. She also liked the usage of words and the way I connected scenery with my emotions. Overall, she liked everything besides the fact that it was filled with that kind of emotion.

There are four levels and, although I had little chance with my work, I managed to come to the third level. Basically, you go there, you sit and wait until they say who's moving further with the competition and afterward, you can ask them their thoughts about your work. Even though my work was described as hermetic and hard and beautiful in a way, I literally got spit on the third level of the competition. When I got there, there were four members of the ''jury'', one of them being MY ABSOLUTELY FAVOURITE WRITER when I was a KID. I still have every single book of hers in my room and I probably read them ten times. I was so elated, I can't describe to you how much it meant to me that SHE was able to read MY work. It felt unreal.

After they didn't say my name, I obviously felt disappointed but still proud that I got there. I was debating whether or not to ask them their opinion but my friend (the same one I mentioned earlier who stuck with me through the WHOLE competition, love you again) nudged me and told me this is a one life chance. I had to do it. So I did.

Like I said, not one member of the jury liked my work. They were telling me how I'm still too young to write about that kind of stuff and that I should focus on more happy content, just like my professor told me that it's going to be. The author I adored so much also told me the same thing. How poorly it was written and how boring it was. I'm not exaggerating. 

So yeah, I was really feeling down after that.

Looking back and where did my writer's block start, I'm pretty sure it was since then. Of course, I'd still write and publish but then, I'd never finish it. It was like I was too afraid of not being good enough or being too annoying. I know that I'm not that much popular and, to be honest, I'm not asking for it, I absolutely love when I can thank each one of you for your kind comments when you say you love this story but I guess, in my mind, I'm still average writer who's never going to be enough for something bigger than this.

So I'm sorry for not being good enough in publishing more.

And I'm sorry for making excuses about my time because there's always time for this and for you.

And I'm definitely sorry for being so fucked up in my mind that I let every single thing get to me.

So please bear with me because I love you (all 5 of you) and the fact that numbers of readers have been growing while I was absent for a year means a whole lot to me.

I love wattpad and I love being here because it makes me feel special when no one does and I'm crying so hard rn that I'm just going to stop okay, ly.