anxiety.

nineteen.

"and when every constellation suddenly appeared, through telescopes and calculations, the far was pulled so near."

scarlett.

"in chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state."

in simpler and more understandable words, it's the idea that if one tiny thing had gone differently in the past, it could have the ability to possibly change the course of events in the future. i think about this concept a lot. i think about how different my life could be right now had different stages or experiences in my life never occurred. there's certain things that have influenced and shaped the person i am today.

one thing, in particular, i think about a lot is how different i'd be today had i never developed anxiety. would i be more outgoing? would my parents love more? would i have ever started dating mason? think about it. if i never had that panic attack inside mrs. abbott's class that one day, he would have never ran after me. we would have never started talking. he would have never helped me in the way he has. but then again, my life would be completely different without my anxiety.

it's important to understand the power of the influence from the people you spend serious amounts of time with. i knew the people who largely influenced me were connor and mason. though it was not a lot of people, they were enough to reshape my personality. they changed my life forever.

today was one of mason's first football games of the season. it was important to me that i supported him in all that he did, but especially in football since it was such a big part of his life. besides, i would have the chance to watch connor play as well which i've been dying to do since we met. i was super ecstatic to go, mason told me he planned on introducing me to the rest of the team, even though most of them knew of me by now. i remember his words clearly, "i wanna show off my girl." those words made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

it was my responsibility to arrive on my own since the team has 'pre-game rituals' according to mason. i did not want to even imagine what those rituals entailed. some things were better left unknown. i dressed casually, in black ripped jeans and a grey ribbed long sleeve top with white trainers. i desperately hoped his friends would like me. that validation was something i felt like i needed and i wasn't sure why. i brushed off the negative thoughts and hopped out of my car on to the school grounds.

the locker rooms reeked grossly of sweat and feet, a smell that almost made me gag. there was no way i was allowed to be in here but mason reassured me it would be okay. i shot him a quick text to let him know i arrived before knocking on the door. a wave of testosterone hit me as the door slammed open, hitting the wall behind it. a large chorus of "westfield!" filled my ears when i stepped inside, followed by a large group hug. the immediate treatment of me being one of their own made me laugh and blush a bit. i tried to hug each boy back as best as possible.

"woah woah, my girlfriend's been here for a little bit already and i haven't even seen her yet." i heard mason call out from somewhere causing the rest of the boys surrounding me to fan out. an image of mason immediately filled my eyes. his tight uniform perfectly outlined his muscles, making me bite my lip. god, he was so perfect. a singular curl fell over his forehead. he jogged over to me.

"hey babe." he greeted with his signature smile and grabbed my face before planting his lips on mine. the team erupted in loud hoots and cheers, which made both me and mason laugh and pull our lips away. he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to his body. "let's introduce you to some people."

mason guided me through the room while introducing me to many boys. i couldn't keep track of all the names. one boy in particular stood out to me, i recognized him from connor's snapchat. it was andrew comiter. he noticed me looking at him and smirked, making me immediately pull my eyes away. he strutted his way over to us. mason pushed me more behind him.