anxiety.

five.

"i guess space, and time takes violent things, angry things.. and makes them kind."

scarlett.

the concept of trust is something i've always lacked in life. i don't trust easily and if i do, it takes a while. it takes years to build trust but somehow someone can break it within seconds. the point is, it's not like me to trust someone i've barely exchanged three words with. so when mason block asked me to talk and i agreed, i have no idea why. when he asked me questions about my personal life and i answered truthfully, i have no idea why.

something about him made me want to trust him. (and that's something that has never happened in scarlett westfield's 16 years of life.) i think its easier to open up to a person you don't know very well. my anxiety issues aren't the best way to start a conversation. i'm not crazy, and i don't need the mass population of my school thinking it either. i have enough problems on my own. maybe it's just the fact that i'm desperate for help.

i feel like i'm dying. i'm killing the girl i used to be. because the girl i was two years ago is absolutely nothing like the girl i am today. i don't mean to be quiet and i didn't mean to isolate myself so much. it's just side effects of my anxiety i guess.

my whole body aches. i got extremely anxious last night, overthinking my earlier encounter with mason. i spilled everything and now i feel so ... vulnerable. he's the only person that knows all of my secrets now. i put so much power in his hands. he could expose me to the entire school, more importantly connor. connor would be so furious if he found out. he likes to worry about me as it is, and if he learns that i was breaking down every day and never reaching out to him for help... oh boy.

today was going to be a bad day, a very very bad day. i could feel it as my body traces down the halls of school. it felt like everyone was staring at me, even though i knew nobody was looking at me. nobody ever looked at me. i just kept my head down and kept walking until i reached class. i took my seat, folding my arms on top of my desk so i could lay comfortably. because, did i sleep very much last night? the answer was no, like always.

i look around noticing i was the only one here, i knew i was early but i didn't think i was that early. more time for me to sleep peacefully without being interrupted by the chatter of other kids. i close my eyes for no more than a few minutes before i feel someone sit in the desk next to me but i choose to ignore it. if you don't bother them, they won't bother you.

"are you okay?" i know that voice. i slowly open my eyes to see a sidewards mason. his eyes were full of concern. i close my eyes again, at peace that it's just mason and not some random kid.

"i'm fine." i sigh, not really wanting to discuss much more about it.

"don't lie to me scarlett. what's wrong?" i opened my eyes once more and noticed his facial expression had turned much softer. his eyes pleaded me to tell him. i sat up, leaning my elbows on my desk and putting my face into my hands.

"i'm just tired mason. i didn't sleep much last night. and i'm still horribly anxious." i admit. he gently pulls my hands away from my face, making me look at him. he moves a few stray stands of hair out of my face.

"you're freezing love. here take this." mason says, pulling out his dark blue hoodie. he hands it to me. now that he mentions it, i do feel cold but i can't wear this. only the football player have this and if i wore it people would know something was up.

"no, i can't take this from you." i shove it back into his hands.

"it's just a hoodie scarlett. take it." he pushes it back into my hold. i look at him and he gives me a reassuring nod. i slip it over my head and quietly thank him. "and don't think we're not talking about this. not to be rude, but you look absolutely terrible. i'm not letting you be alone today if you feel so anxious. we're going to my house after school."