anxiety.

three.

"while collecting the stars, i connected the dots. i don't know who i am, but now i know who i'm not."

scarlett.

i can't stop replaying today's event in my mind.

he extends his arm out and rests his hands on my shoulders.

"love you're not breathing very well. c'mon take a deep breath for me. i don't want you to pass out. let's calm down, yeah?" he moves beside me, taking my shaking hand and steadying it in his. my small hands get lost in the size of his.

"i c-can't." i wasn't lying, i really couldn't calm down for some reason. i've never been this worked up before.

"yes you can. i'm here to help you." he places my hand over his heart. it's so steady, nothing compared to the way mine beats right now.

"concentrate on it and your breathing. take a deep breathe scarlett." i'm shaking, but i follow his instructions and i feel oxygen fill my lungs for the first time in a few minutes.

he actually helped me, it wasn't like the 'anxiety help' that you find online and only half works in the moment. he calmed me down and made my mind stop wondering off. i can't remember the last time that's happened. and then i keep thinking about how he wanted to talk to me and i walked away. another rude move of me. i can't avoid him forever, i see next period. he sits behind me in trigonometry.

maybe talking to him wouldn't be the worst thing ever. i don't know how to explain to him what just happened without revealing the fact that i have anxiety disorders. i could tell him i just flipped in the moment. that works, that happens to people. people don't need anxiety to have a breakdown. i hope that's convincing enough. the bell signals its time for trigonometry, but its the last period of the day. you can do this scarlett.

i walk in and mason is already in his seat. he never gets here first, its always me. i don't know if i can actually talk to him right now. i suddenly feel nauseous again so i just sit in my seat and try to focus on my notes. it's almost working, it's been about 40 minutes and we haven't exchanged a word. maybe he forgot or he doesn't want to talk about it either.

"psst." i feel a tap on my back and i freeze in my seat. i slowly turn around to see mason smiling at me.

"w-what?" i whisper back.

"so about-

"miss westfield, mister block, something you'd like to share with the class?" mrs. evans calls us out.

"no!" we both reply at the same time. i've never been happier to have a teacher yell at me. she saved me for now. i thought i was good until a note lands on my desk. i don't even have to open the note to know its from mason. but my curiosity gets the best of me and i unfold the piece of paper.

we need to talk. meet me at the coffee place at the corner of maple after school. i can drive you there.
-mason

i think about it again. it wouldn't be the most awful thing in the world to finally open up to someone about it. i just can't imagine the person i let my walls down for is going to be mason block. i turn around and nod, earning a another smile from mason. the bell rings, dismissing us from class and i wait for him to catch up with me.

we drive to the coffee shop in a comfortable silence and it stays that way until we have our drinks and sit down.

"l-listen a-about earlier..." i start, looking at my feet and fiddling with the bottom of sleeve.

"i know you have anxiety scarlett." he cuts me off, making my head snap up and forcing me to look up from my coffee.

"w-what?" i stutter. "y-you.. n-no thats not true-e." my mind starts to race off in a million different directions. there's not a chance he could know that. i didn't even know he knew my name until an hour ago and know he claims to know the secret thing about me that no one else knows. i didn't realize i was biting my lip so hard until i tasted blood. my stomach aches at the thought of him knowing about my anxiety. he probably thinks i'm crazy. i'm not crazy though, i'm just.. anxious.

"don't lie to me scarlett. i notice the way you grip your desk in class and how you stutter and pull on your sleeves when you talk to you and i hear how fast your breathing gets sometimes. it's obvious that you have anxiety. no one else may pay attention, but i do."

i let go of my sleeves, taking note of what he said. i really do all of those things when i'm anxious but i don't understand how does he know all of this? he picked up on my anxiety, my nervous habits.. i thought no one noticed me. no, no one does notice me. i'm a nobody.

"thats not true." i spit back.

"how do you explain earlier then?" he questions back rapidly.

"i had a breakdown. its simple. it happens to the best of us."

"no. you had an anxiety attack. your heart was beating so fast, i was concerned you were about to pass out. that's not simply having a breakdown. that's different."

"n-no you're wrong..."

"i want to help you scarlett."

i suck in a breath. no one has ever said that to me. i want to help you scarlett. he wants to help me. i can't help but wonder off. why does he care about me? i've never even had a real conversation with him, much less given him a reason to care about me. maybe i should be more concerned with how he knows all of this.

"and why would you ever want to do that? no one wants to help the girl with anxiety. it's annoying. i'm annoying." i mutter the last part almost inaudibly.

"you're not annoying and you're not crazy either. i can't keep watching you get like this. anxiety is not a joke love. it's unhealthy and you're hurting yourself. i also know you can't control it. i only want to be there for you. i can help you more than you think. and judging by how bad your anxiety is, i'm guessing you're not getting much help or any at all. i mean look at the underneath of your eyes. they're so dull, scarlett. and they're always that way! how much sleep did you get last night?"

"not very much." i say quietly, realizing he's right. my dark circles are always bad but i can't help that i can't sleep when i'm anxious. and i'm always anxious about something. i still don't understand why he would do this for me. he doesn't even know me.

"i c-can't accept your help. you don't even k-know me."

"then let me." maybe it's time to finally let someone in. i can't do this all alone and i finally have someone who says he wants to help. but i can't let myself get hurt, i won't.

maybe this will be a good thing scarlett, let it happen. mason block, please don't be playing a trick on me. you don't know how much i actually need you.

"o-okay."

-
a/n

sorry this chapter is a little shorter than others. i wanted to make sure i updated since i haven't in a little bit. i hope you guys enjoyed, and please vote and comment!