anxiety.

six.

"you are loved more than you know. i hereby pledge all of my days to prove it so."

scarlett.

the car was silent. the only noise was coming from the soft drops of rain on the windshield. mason kept shooting me concerned glances as he was driving. i snuggled into his hoodie and rested my head against the window. my mind had enough for today and i was slowly falling asleep. i remained quiet, not that i would have talked much if i hadn't been so anxious. the car comes to a stop at a red light and mason focuses all his attention on me.

"you doing okay?" he asks softly.

"i'm fine." i mutter. i didn't really feel fine. my mind was all over the place and i felt exhausted in return.

"but not okay." he sighs. i don't respond and sadly lay my head back down. mason extends his hand out, keeping the other one on the wheel. i look at him, unsurely placing my hand in his. he gives it a gentle squeeze and brushes his thumb back and forth as the light turns green. i didn't oppose it because it was comforting to know he was there.

we arrived at the front of his house. i opened the car door and bent down to pick up my bag, but he beat me to it. he was doing everything he could to take some of the weight of my shoulders, literally. why he cares so much i'll never know. it seems rather odd to me. why me? surely, i'm not the only girl at our school with anxiety. is he doing this because he pities me? i hope not. i don't need pity, i need help. but then again, how much can you pity someone you never took the time to know until now? this whole situation was puzzling to me and i started to feel sick to my stomach thinking about it so much. i tried to put it off my mind as much as possible and just let life take its toll.

the inside of his home was so ... homey. the walls were filled with art and family photos and everything matched each other. my home wasn't very different, but for some reason it never really felt like home. home is a place you feel safe. i don't feel safe in my own house, especially with my parents believing my anxiety is an over exaggeration. how could i put trust in people who don't help their children in times of desperation? i could only dream that i would make something as bad as that up.

he led me to his room, where he told me i could take a seat on his bed and proceeded to sit next to me. we weren't too close, but close enough that the distance between us wasn't awkward.

"wanna tell me what happened at school today? why were you so anxious when i showed up this morning?"

i stayed silent for a moment, debating whether or not to spill everything to him. he noticed me thinking,

"i can't help you love if you don't let me in." i sighed, he was right.

"well..." i told him about i randomly got anxious last night, leaving out the part how i feel so vulnerable in front of him now. and i told him about the connor thing, how i'm lying to him so dramatically.

"and what happens when you have an anxiety attack?" he questions.

"my heart speeds up quite fast and it feels like the air is being sucked out of my chest. if its really bad, i get lightheaded. its like... i'm gonna pass out."

"how do you feel right now?"

"tired. sad. alone." i answer truthfully. his eyes sadden at the words i use to describe my current state. i didn't want to feel like this either, it was just unavoidable. and i don't know how to explain that to him without him thinking i'm a... freak.

mason pulls me in close so that i'm laying with my head on top of his chest. there was that same lovely smell again, laundry detergent and cologne. my body tenses up at the thought of being so close to him. i won't let myself get attached. i know he feels my body tense up because he moves one hand to my arm and rubs it up and down.

"i'm done asking questions for today. your mind must be exhausted and your body too. just relax babe." the soft sound of his heartbeat fills my ears and i'm instantly able to relax. the peacefulness of his house helps too. they say you feel less stressed when you sleep next to someone you love. i didn't realize the effect this boy was having on me. i was falling in love, for the first time. my breathing was still a little rigid, something i always struggled to get under controlled.

"remember to take deep breaths." he whispers softly, careful to not disturb the abyss of calm i was in. "and don't let your mind wander into what ifs either. " i let out a mmm to let him know i heard him and had not yet fallen asleep. i was getting close to that though.

i focused on the sound of his heartbeat, the hum of the air conditioning, and the soft touch of his hand against my arm. and for once, my mind was quiet. i wasn't overthinking or coming up with what ifs or questioning anything.

mason.

i looked at this girl that was laying on my chest. she was so fragile, yet the strongest girl i had ever seen. i couldn't help but fall in love with the feeling of being with her. she was extraordinary... if only she knew. i wanted her to be mine. i slowly realized that i was no longer helping her because she reminded me of skylar, but simply for the fact that i was falling in love.

i started planning how i would ask her out. it isn't too soon, is it? it has to be cute
and not too simple. i wanted to show her how much i cared about her. i thought about it and suddenly smiled at the amazing idea that popped into my mind. she'd love it.

her hair was so soft and fell right through my fingers as i combed through it. she had peacefully fallen asleep and i wasn't going to disturb her. it was good for her to rest, she needed it. i just hope she can stay asleep for a little while longer. she curled into me and shivered. i pulled a blanket up over us to make her more comfortable.

"sweet dreams love." i said softly, kissing the top of her hair. she mumbled a mm in response and snuggled more into my chest. i moved my hand from her arm to her back and rubbed up and down, earning the smallest sigh from her. i couldn't help but smile at her.

i made it my mission to show her the good in life. i would teach her that not everyone is evil and that not everything is worth her worrying. but most importantly, i would show her that everything is okay. i would take the extra weight that the world has placed on her shoulders off. it would take a while, but that's okay. she is loved more than she knows and i hereby pledge all of my days to prove it so.