Chapter 31
I feel like this is the first time I had the chance to talk with Ynna like this; 'yong seryoso, may sinseridad, at makabuluhan.
Sa lahat ng babae, ako ang pinakabulag.
I smirked and took a glass of liquor before I downed it with one go. Gumuhit ang pait sa lalamunan ko at naramdaman ko rin ang lamig ng pagbaba ng inumin doon.
Alam ko.
Akala ko, bulag ako sa pag-ibig... but I realized that I was blind from the things that will be better for me; from the things that are good. I always chose to go on the wrong path, accept that I made a mistake, and still continues with the journey.
Kaya siguro pakiramdam ko noon, paulit-ulit na lang ang lahat at umabot na ako sa punto ng pagsasawa.
I stared at the glass I am holding and slightly tilted it. May tumamang strobe light doon at napapikit ako.
But the moment I closed my eyes, Lael's brown eyes flashed in front of me; ang mga pilikmata, ang pagkinang noon sa emosyong nararamdaman n'ya, at ang mga salitang tahimik no'ng sinasabi.
"You must've had a hard time dealing with me," Ynna said and I opened my eyes again as I glanced at her. She shrugged. She's wearing a silver tube dress at kitang-kita ang ganda ng hubog ng katawan n'ya. "This is really the way I am. So I don't think I can change."
"You can," agad kong sagot.
Tumaas ang kilay ni Ynna habang nakatitig sa akin, naghahanap ng eksplanasyon sa pagkontra ko sa sinabi n'ya.
We were told that we don't need to change to be accepted. But such a statement is not for everyone. Most people use it because of their pride—although they are toxic, they won't settle for change because they believe that they don't need to.
Such statements are in need of great self-evaluation. Dahil kung hindi pipiliing magbago, mananatili ba ako sa kung ano ang nakasanayan ko at hindi pipiliing lumago?
Ayaw ng karamihan na isuko ang mga bagay na nakasanayan na. Most people don't want to accept that they have to be corrected. Ang gano'ng pananaw, mas'yadong mapagmataas at walang pagpapakababa.
Pride is one of the greatest hindrances of improvement. It closes and narrows right judgment, blinds a person from the truth, and eventually poisons that person from within.
"You just need to be with the right person," I mumbled and his face flashed in front of my eyes once again.
Ang buhok na hinahawi ng hangin, may kakapalang mga kilay, at morenong balat.
"Are you telling me to depend on someone?" Ynna scoffed and shook her head.
"No," ngumisi ako at kumuha ng isa pang drink na nasa table. "I'm saying that you need a suitable environment for you to grow."
After all, sharks grow in the waters and lions on the land. Growth is dependent on the environment. Kung wala sa tamang lugar, growth will be impossible.
That's what I realized when I became friends with Lael and Caleb.
I needed their environment to open my eyes. Kung hindi ko sila nakasama, maiisip ko ba ang lahat ng 'to? Siguro... pero mas magiging mahirap ang lahat para sa akin.
Nagsimula na akong maniwala na mayro'ng tamang tao para magpakita sa'kin ng katotohanan. Dahil kung sa sarili ko lang, magawa ko man, mauubos ako nang sobra at aabot sa punto ng pagkasira. If I'd only rely on myself, the moment I discover the truth, I'd be completely destroyed and I'd be full of regret.
Sana pala nalaman ko kaagad. Sana nagbago ako kaagad.
Paulit-ulit na iikot ang mga salitang 'yan sa utak ko dahil sa lahat ng nasayang na oras.
Pumunta kami ni Ynna sa ilang mga kakilala at nakipag-socialize doon. Hindi ako masyadong umiinom dahil gusto kong ako pa rin ang mag-uuwi sa sarili ko.
I've met new people and bonded with them for a bit but I made sure that I won't lose sight of Ynna. Dahil kung bigla n'ya akong iwang mag-isa rito, uuwi na ako para makapagpahinga.
"Zen," Seve smiled when he called me and stood by my side.
He's wearing a polo tonight, just like what he usually wears, and a nice pair of pants. Ngayon ko lang s'ya nakita magmula kanina.
Akala ko, ipapalibot n'ya ang braso sa baywang ko tulad ng parati n'yang ginagawa noon at handa na sana akong lumayo pero hindi n'ya 'yon ginawa.
"Lalabas ako. Magpapahangin. You wanna come?" He smiled at me.
Nagtataka ko s'yang tiningnan pero kalaunan, nang ma-realize ko na gusto n'yang mag-usap, tumango na lang ako at sabay kaming umalis doon.
Seve is absolutely better than before. Kaya nga medyo kampante na akong sinasamahan n'ya tuwing break time sa SAU at tulad ngayon na kaming dalawa lang ang lalabas para magpahangin.
Paglabas pa lang namin, nakita ko nang humugot ng sigarilyo si Seve mula sa kahong inilabas n'ya galing sa bulsa at agad na nagsindi no'n. He placed it on his lips before he took another one and offered it to me.
I suddenly remembered how I would usually accept sticks from them before. But cigarettes don't look appealing to me anymore.
Umiling ako bilang pagtanggi na agad na ikinatigil ni Seve at ikinatitig n'ya sa'kin.
"You stopped smoking?" He asked.
"Yeah," sambit ko bago humalukipkip dahil sa naramdamang lamig sa ihip ng hangin.
Tumango si Seve bago tinanggal ang sigarilyo sa mga labi n'ya at tinapon 'yon kahit buo pa bago tinapakan. I watched him as he did that, confused. Pero kahit na nagtataka sa ginawa n'ya, hindi na lang ako nagtanong pa.
Tahimik lang kaming tumanaw sa kawalan. Pero kahit na tahimik, hindi ko magawang makaramdam ng pagka-ilang dahil nasa ibang bagay ang isipan ko.
I wanted to ask him what he wants to talk about. I'm curious too as to why he's acting strange the past few days.
It's not like him.
Pero kahit na nagtataka ako... I like him better now than how he was before.
"That night," Seve said after a long stretch of silence and I looked at him. Nakatanaw pa rin s'ya sa kawalan at mukhang walang balak na tumingin sa akin. "When I saw my mother with that guy, I got really mad."
Tumango ako at tahimik na nakinig habang pinagmamasdan s'ya.
The night breeze blew and I fixed my hair.
"I felt disgusted especially when I remembered what she did in the past," he smirked before he let his right hand pass through his polished hair. Bahagyang nagulo 'yon dahil sa ginawa n'ya. "Then your image suddenly flashed before my eyes."
Tiningnan ako ni Seve at nagtama ang mga tingin naming dalawa.
"This must've been what Zenica is feeling whenever she sees me with somebody else."
I weakly smirked before I avoided his gaze after he said that.
"Sorry, Zen," he said but I didn't look at him. "For all the times I hurt you."
Nang ibinalik ko ang tingin kay Seve, naabutan ko ang titig n'ya sa akin. His eyes are laced with pain and regret.
I wonder if Lael isn't in the picture, kaya ko bang patawarin si Seve at tanggapin s'ya uli? Matutuwa ba ako? Magiging masaya ba ako?
Siguro.
If we had different circumstances, if I hadn't... fallen in love with somebody else, maybe I'd accept him again.
But what I'm feeling for Lael right now is too intense that I cannot even put it into words. Hindi ko magawang pumili ng tamang mga salita.
Whenever my mind mentions his name, my heart races wildly and everything blooms. Whenever his face flashes in my mind, my stomach goes crazy and my chest almost cannot contain the feeling.
Iniisip ko pa lang s'ya, gusto ko nang makita s'ya ulit; mahawakan s'ya ulit. I want to spend that very moment with him and stare at his eyes.
Para akong nagkakabuhay. Parang sumisigla ang lahat ng nasa paligid ko.
That's his effect on me; everything becomes better and alive. Everything starts to make sense.
I would always unconsciously wish for him to be by my side.
I want to hold his hand and hear him talk about anything he wants. I want to feel how much he loves me and cares for me. I want to see his eyes spark joy and awe. I want to see his lips curve into a playful smile. I want to hear his puns.
I've never felt this way to anyone else.
Not even with Seve.
"Masyado na ba akong nahuli?" Seve smiled at me yet his eyebrows frowned and his eyes danced with pain.
Hindi ko magawang sumagot.
Ayaw ko s'yang saktan... dahil alam kong walang pag-aalinlangang oo ang sagot.
Huli na. Matagal na. Ngayon ko lang naintindihan. Ngayon ko lang tuluyang naramdaman.
Ang nararamdaman ko para kay Seve noon, mas'yado nang malayo sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Sa tuwing inaalala ko ang noon, parang sobrang tagal na ang panahong lumipas. Marami nang nagbago; marami nang nangyari.
Pero kahit na ayokong sagutin ang tanong n'ya dahil sa takot na makasakit, pinilit ko ang sarili ko.
Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng inilalagay sa dilim. 'Yong hindi ko alam kung ano ang totoong sagot. Kaya kahit na hindi ibinigay ni Seve noon sa akin ang kalinawan, I want to give it to him because I know how awful it felt.
"I'm in love with somebody else now," I admitted and I saw how his eyes registered pain.
Umiwas ng tingin si Seve at bumuga ng hangin. His lips formed a painful smile and I saw how the sides of his eyes turned red. Regret was very visible in his expression and my heart broke for him.
Because no matter how much I try to conceal and deny it, I knew my heart doesn't beat his name anymore.
"I should've realized sooner," Seve mumbled. "Masyado akong naging kampante," he chuckled and bowed his head. "I thought things will remain the same even if I won't do anything."
"That's not how it works," I said.
That will never work.
"I know," he grinned. "I messed up so bad."
Natahimik ako at tumanaw sa kawalan ng gabi. Before, I've always longed for the day that Seve will finally notice and realize that I am always here for him...
Pero ngayong nandito na, parang gusto kong balikan ang sarili ko noon at sabihing 'wag n'yang ibuhos ang atensyon at lakas n'ya sa isang taong hindi s'ya kayang pahalagahan nang buo.
Ang daming nasayang na gabi na ginamit ko sa pag-iisip at pananalangin na sana, kinabukasan, ibalik n'ya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko... sa parehas na intensidad at bigat.
Ang daming nasayang na mga luha para sa mga pagkakataong naninikip ang dibdib ko sa paghiling na mahalin ako pabalik ng mga taong pinili kong mahalin.
Ang daming nasayang na pagkakataong piliin kong maging masaya at kumawala sa hawlang hindi ko alam na kinukulong ako.
'Yon ang iniisip ko hanggang sa maka-uwi at makatulog, maging sa lumipas na weekend.
Nang magkaro'n ulit ng klase, sinubukan kong mas magpahuli pa ng pasok para pagdating ko, simula na kaagad ng discussion. Gano'n naman ang nangyari. Sinubukan kong 'wag na munang ibaling sa iba ang atensyon ko.
I want to talk to Lael, but my mind isn't in the right state yet. Punong-puno ako ng pagdududa, hindi para sa kan'ya kundi para sa'kin. Kaya ko ba? Kaya ko bang ibigay kay Lael kung ano ang deserve n'ya? Kaya ko ba s'yang pasayahin tulad nang kung pa'no n'ya ako napapasaya?
Thinking about all the things that he did for me, I can't help but feel embarrassed. Because I knew he deserves someone who'd appreciate him more than I can.
Kung kaya ko ba s'yang ipaubaya... hindi.
Hell no. I don't think I can.
I want to selfishly call him mine. I want him for myself.
Ang ikinakatakot ko lang naman... baka sa oras na ma-realize n'yang hindi pala ako ang magbibigay sa kan'ya ng saya, baka iwan n'ya ako para sa taong mas makapagbibigay sa kan'ya no'n.
I smirked. I have never been this insecure before but I can't help it. I liked someone who's too far from my personality. Someone too far from the guys I usually meet. Parang hindi ko maaabot kahit nasa harapan ko na.
"What did you say?" Tanong ni Ynna matapos kong i-kuwento ang nangyari sa amin ni Seve no'ng nakaraang gabi habang naglalakad na kami palabas ng katatapos lang na klase.
Kanina n'ya lang tinanong sa akin ang nangyari sa aming dalawa ni Seve kaya ngayon ko lang din maiku-kuwento sa kan'ya.
"I said I was in love with..." Agad na naputol ang sasabihin ko nang makita ko ang naghihintay na si Lael sa hamba ng pintuan ng klase.
Natigilan ako at napatitig sa mga mata n'yang nakatitig pabalik sa akin. Napalunok ako at naramdaman ko ang malakas na galabog ng puso ko.
He's leaning on the door frame, innocently staring back at me. Pero kahit na normal lang naman at walang halong effort ang pagsandal n'ya ro'n, para s'yang isang modelong hinugot mula sa isang magazine.
"Him," pagtatapos ni Ynna sa sasabihin ko at natahimik ako.
Tahimik kaming naglakad papunta sa kung nasaan si Lael para sana makalabas na ng klase pero nang tinawag n'ya ang pangalan ko, agad din akong napahinto.
I raised my gaze up at him.
Kaharap ko lang naman... pero miss na miss ko na.
"Zen, about--" he started to say but was interrupted when Seve suddenly arrived.
"Hey, let's go," sabi ni Seve nang dumating, hindi napapansin na kasama namin si Lael.
I looked at Seve before I transferred my gaze back at Lael. I caught him staring at Seve. Blangko ang mga mata n'ya at nakita ko ang bahagyang pagkuyom ng panga.
"Lael, I--" I started to say but stuttered.
Lael looked at me again and he already has a small smile on his lips. Yumuko s'ya nang kaunti, iniiwas ang tingin mula sa mga mata ko.
"About the paper. We'll be distributing the tasks equally among the group," aniya at tahimik ko s'yang pinagmasdan. "We'll be communicating through the group chat."
I was about to talk but when he looked at my eyes again, I couldn't find the words that I was about to say.
"Don't forget to send the studies you found," he smiled before he turned around to leave.
Agad akong napapikit nang mariin.