us james bay
"tell me how cause believe in something. i believe in us."
i dreaded going home every day after practice. i hated going back to that bubble. i just wanted to stay with him all the time.
but i couldnt. i always had to go back.
thats why i lived for the next moment i got to see him.
i dreaded starting school but it wasnt as bad as i thought since i got to see him.
had you told me five months ago that i would be the assistant coach for a guys soccer team, i would have called you crazy. but i lived for practices cause i got to see him.
but what i truly lived for was the random nights he would come pick me up to go live.
when saturday night rolled around, i heard a knock at the door. per usual my mom told me she would get it and then called to me who it was. this time it was-
"ashtons here."
i shot up out of bed. ashtons here?
i heard him talking to my mom, just keeping himself on her good side. i didnt open my door til i heard my mom ask, "how do you know where her room is?"
shit.
i pulled the door open. "cause i was holding the door open a little. he could pry see it."
"plus that night we had dinner here, which may i just say again, it was amazing," ashton continued buttering her up to marinate our lie. "she showed us her room after you went to sleep. well, she wanted to show us something from inside and we all followed."
good one ash. it sounded believable too.
"oh, i forgot i went to bed early that night," my mom said brushing it off.
thank god.
i walked back into my room, my anxieties eased that she didnt question it any farther. ashton closed the door behind him walking over to sit down on the edge of my bed beside me.
"so, what are we doing tonight?" i asked quietly, still scared my mom could hear me.
"well, lukes having another party but im not sure youre ready to be back there so if not we can go get food," ashton explained to me, keeping his voice low too.
"oh okay," it caught me off guard.
id spent almost three months now just trying to block out what he had done to me, and i had been doing a pretty good job of it. but i had forgot at some point id have to stand in the exact same spot in the same scenario.
it was fine when i went to band practices because the memories werent triggered by the sound of the bass radiating through the hosue or the smell of alcohol.
but now they would be.
"we dont have to go, clairo," he whispered, placing a hand on my knee, rubbing his thumb back and forth.
"i want to," i told him sternly. "im not going to let what he did to me control my life."
"youre so strong, you know that. right?" he asked me.
i smiled to him. he planted a small kiss on my lips before i stood up, picking out clothes to wear.
i skipped over the band tee id worn that night and decided on ashs tee shirt hed given me the night we swam under the moon.
i quickly changed, adding on a pair of jeans. ash was laying on my bed, facing away from me the whole time.
i crawled across the bed to him, leaning my chin on his bicep. "you ready?" i asked, seeing he was texting the 5 seconds of mars group chat that didnt include me.
he quickly shut out of it rolling over to look at me. "yeah, are you?" he asked as he began standing up.
"yeah," i replied hastily. hed thrown me off guard with how weird he was being all of the sudden. its not like hes not allowed to talk to the boys without me. i didnt mind. i texted the boys too.
"okay, lets go," he said starting toward my door.
"okay," i said under my breath, shaking off how weird he was being.
we walked out passed my mom, making small conversation to keep her sane. she ended it with a simple "text me where you are tonight, okay?"
i told her "of course i would" and ashton led me out of the house, holding the door open for me.
once we were on the road, ashton was trying to read how i truly felt.
i was singing along to the radio, as happy as i usually was.
but he didnt want to ruin that.
he was scared to take me to the party until i was ready, but i was determined to be.
"do you want to go get icecream first?" he asked when his reading failed.
"we can," i shrugged. "im always up for ice cream."
"okay," he said taking a quick turn. "i know the best place."
——
he did know the best place.
it had the best icecream id had in a long time and it was in the cutest spot.
so we sat and ate our ice cream, talking about everything that came to mind. we never ran out of conversation, it was crazy how easily it flowed between us.
and we never failed to make the other laugh.
once we finished our ice cream, we made are way back to the car, hand-in-hand.
ashton helped me into the car like he always did before making his way around to his side.
"you sure you want to go to this party?" he asked before starting the car.
"yeah," i nodded.
i probably didnt sound very convincing as i was still trying to convince myself yet.
i wasnt as strong as ashton thought i was. as much as i refused to let what murphy did to me control my life, in a way it always would.
but right now i was going to try not to let it.
"im sure," i said much more convincing. "lets go."
"youll tell me if its pushing you too far, right?" he asked, still not moving the car.
"of course," i told him.
"okay," he whispered below his breath starting the car. "lets go."
——
when we pulled up in front of lukes house, i started to regret faking such strength.
but fake it til you make it, right?
ashton helped me out of the car like he always did, shutting the door behind me.
i stood staring at the house, trying to block out every memory trying to resurface. i took a deep breath as ashton stood beside me, waiting for my mind to clear.
i looked over to him, my mind completely clearing as our eyes met.
"you ready?" he asked holding out his hand.
"yeah," i told him as i brought my hand to his.
"lets do this," he said beginning to walk towards the house with me.
we entered with the same entrance we always did. "iriwn"s, "23"s, and "ashton"s filled the air, followed by "clairo"s but this time some "coach"s filled the air too as the team surrounded us.
ashton held my hand tight yet again as he walked me through the crowd.
the sound of the music wasnt helping my faking it til i made it but ashton sure was.
he wouldnt let go of me or let me out of his sight, which was relieving.
he walked me into the kitchen where we ran into the boys like we always did.
"clario!" luke called as i got closer to them.
"look at you!" calum added on as we joined the group. "i didnt think you would be here."
"i didnt either," i joked. it wasnt truly a joke. i didnt think i was going to be this strong. "but im not going to let him control my life."
"now thats what we like to hear!" mikey said encouraging my strength.
"hes not here... is he?" i asked below my breath.
"i dont think hes going to step foot anywhere near you every again," luke whispered back, taking a drink from his cup to cover his smile that was forming.
i felt most of my anxiety ease at lukes words. i didnt know what they did to him and im not sure i wanted to know, but i was glad it happened.
my mind stopped wondering as other members of the soccer team joined our conversation. but my anxiety quickly grew again as i thought about if they knew.
"do they know?" i whispered to ashton as he watched our team join our circle.
"they know what he did but they dont know who he did it too," ashton whispered back. "but theyre all as mad at him as i am."
my worries died off yet again.
"you want a sparkling ice again?" ashton asked as the other boys entertained the rest of the team.
the gears in my head began turning again. murphy wasnt here, so i didnt have anything to worry about. and ashton would protect me no matter what.
"how many shots would i have to put in it before it would affect me?"
"you want to drink?" ashton asked, confused.
"why the hell not?" i shrugged.
"youre really ready to live tonight, huh?" he asked with a chuckle.
"hell yeah," i said getting excited.
"lets go," ashton said laughing, starting to walk me to the garage.
he got me a sparkling ice like he always did and then led me back to the kitchen.
"mikey!" he called as we got back to the drinks.
mikey broke off the circle and over to us. "yeah?"
"clairo wants to drink, what do you recommend?" ashton asked as i looked at the plethora of alcohol in front of me.
"she just want to add it to that?" mikey asked confused.
"yeah, i dont think shes going to like it straight," ashton explained.
"well, she could mix vodka with the sparkling ice for like an off brand vodka soda or she could just go for a white claw which shed pry like," mikey suggested.
just listening to him talk proved to me how much i dont know anything about alcohol. i just know it makes you feel real good until you wake up the next morning. but you only live once.
"what do you think?" ash said looking over to me.
"i dont even know," i shook my head at him.
"here," mikey said taking the sparkling ice from my hand, mixing some stuff together into a cup.
he held the cup out to me. there wasnt much in it, just enough for me to decide if it was good enough.
here we go.
i brought the cup up to my mouth, feeling as my first sips of alcohol slipped down my throat. in a way it burned in a good way, but it also burned in a bad way.
okay, yeah. it burned in a good way.
my face must have shown a different reaction as my
mind did because the first thing ashton asked was, "you good?"
i completely ignored his question as i looked back to mikey. "thats good," i told him.
"half of that bottle and 3 shots of vodka," mikey told ashton. "let her live."
ashton started following mikeys instructions, handing me his mixture.
"go ahead and live. ill be here the whole time."