Oh man….I'm really nervous right now….My stomach is squirming…
I don't want to mess up on this...it's my big chance. I can't afford to mess this up.
I couldn't stop thinking. I wish I could, but I can't. My brain was going insane about all of this. I'm about to go into a new school. It's my chance to actually make a good impression. I can't blow it this time.
I didn't have anyone back in my old school, so this was my only chance to actually get friends.
I can't mess this up.
"Luz" I heard my mother say. I looked up from the ground and looked in her direction as she drove the car.
"I know you're nervous, but don't let that hold you back here." She was clearly trying to lighten the mood. I don't know if it worked or not. My mind was too conflicted to give me a straight answer.
"Just...do as much as you can do, and be yourself...I'm sure there's gonna be nicer people here." I turned away and looked out the window, but I can tell she was glancing at me with sympathetic eyes.
Be myself? How can I even do that when that was the reason I couldn't make friends?
I saw the little clearing of trees outside move past my window, and the road turned into my new school.
Hexside.
What a weird name for a high school.
My hands were planted on my bag in front of me, and I clutched the handle. I felt my nerve rise up, as my heart started to pump faster. I guess mom saw me get nervous, and I felt her hand rest on my shoulder.
"I know how scary it can be Luz...I understand, but don't let your fear control you in here. This is a brand new opportunity to make new friends, and to make so many fond memories. You're gonna like it here Luz, I promise."
As much as I wanted to believe that things were gonna go wrong, her words made me feel calm. She spoke the truth. This was a new beginning. A new place to find new people and to make new memories. I wanted friends, and today was my chance.
We pulled up to the curb of the front, and I gave mom a quick kiss and hug before I opened the door. She wished me good luck, and I hopped out of the car waving goodbye, as I proceeded forwards.
I gotta say, this school was beautiful. The architecture and design of the outside was visually appealing to look at. It definitely wasn't some cheap school, this had polish. There were bits that reflected with the morning sunrise, the windows glistened and the use of marble on the stairs was rich and clean.
Unfortunately, I forgot that there were about a hundred other kids going into the same direction, and one of them wasn't moving. As I looked around, noticing the details on the path, I bumped into this girl. she dropped her books as she stumbled forwards, trying to catch herself. I stepped back as I felt myself feel really bad and embarrassed.
"O-oh my god! I'm so sorry!" I scrambled to aid her, as I kneeled down to pick up her books, but that help fell short fast as my hand was slapped away from them. I backed up and looked to see her facing me with clear irritation in her face.
"Watch where you're going next time idiot!" The girl grabbed all of her belongings as she faced me. I got a good look at her this time. She had magenta like hair, that was partially rolled up in a bun at the back. Her eyes were blue and she wore some kind of jean jacket from the looks of it. She backed away from me and sneered.
"Next time if you're gonna make someone fall, make that person be yourself." She trotted off ahead of me as I stood there feeling shocked. It was a pure accident, and I know it was my fault. I wanted to help her, but she gave me such a nasty attitude. Honestly that alone made me wanna run away and ignore it all, but instead I gripped my bag arm as I proceeded forwards.
Hoping I wouldn't run into her again.
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Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
After the beginning of the year orientation, everyone got their locker number along with their pin numbers. Mine happened to be 742, which was interesting. That meant I was near one of the stairwells. As I was unpacking in front of it, I saw that girl again, and she situated herself next to me. It took her a moment to realize it was me, and when she did, her face morphed into that of disgust.
"Oh great, I'm next to Ms. Clumsy here? That's just wonderful." I could feel my heart already beating twice as much from fear, but I tried to control my anxiety and turned towards her.
"Look, earlier was an honest mistake, I'm sorry I bumped into you. I was admiring the school, I'm new here. My name is Luz. What's your name?" I tried my best to sound as confident as I could, but I could feel every muscle in my body twitch and shiver with anxiety. The girl looked at me with a disappointed face, as she placed more things in the locker.
"Boscha." She placed the last of her stuff in her locker and shut the door. "Listen Luz, just don't be stupid like that again, and we won't have a problem, got it? Last thing I need is some retard like you to cause me some headaches."
I felt my confidence I built up for this situation quickly crumble down. All I wanted was to make a new friend, and here I am, already gaining an enemy. I put the last things in my locker and quickly shut the door. At this point I just wanted to get away from her, I don't know how many more insults I could possibly take.
"I-I understand...I'm sorry, I'll be going now." I gripped my books closely to my chest as I made my way by her. I saw the last look she gave me, which was another sneer, and that hurt me more. When I passed her though, I saw another girl situated next to Boscha. She had green hair, with some brown bangs and a little ponytail in the back. She had some eyeliner on and she wore a pink shirt with a black undershirt. I saw her face for a split second as I passed by, and I could swear I saw a hint of concern in her eyes. I didn't linger on it for too long, as I rushed over to my homeroom class, but that did make my mood lighten up just a tiny bit.
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Well, go figures, but I also have Boscha in my homeroom too.
It's like the world purely hates me, wanting me to suffer and crumble. No matter what I try, it's destined for that to end up in flames.
The worst part was that she sat behind me. I could hear her talking to other people and I could tell from the way she interacted with her friends that she was one of the snobby girls who believed everyone that didn't associate with her was beneath her feet, and was utter garbage.
And I so happened to be a part of that list.
After taking attendance, the teacher got up from her chair and stood in front of the class. Everyone quickly looked forwards as she settled herself in front of us.
"Hello class, I'm glad to see that all of my students from last year have returned this year!" She was about to continue before someone else cut her off.
"Not like we had the decision in our hands." A girl to the left side of the classroom shouted out to the teacher. Some of the classmates laughed at the remark, while others like me stayed quiet. The teacher looked a little annoyed before shifting to the side.
"Very funny Viney. Anyways, as I was saying, it appears that all of you have came back here as your homeroom. Some I had in different classes, but it's nice to recognize everyone for the most part." Her eyes shifted towards me and I swear it felt like a spotlight shined from overhead, because I could feel various other stares coming from the class. I took a hard swallow as the teacher continued.
"Except for you young lady. I don't recognize you from last year….are you new here?" I felt my heart flutter as I was being put on the spot in front of a crowd I mostly didn't know.
"Uh...y-yeah." I could feel myself heat up with embarrassment. God I hate myself for that. I'm just being asked if I was new, this was expected. Why am I acting up like this?
"That's nice. Well my name is Lilith Clawthorne, but obviously call me Mrs. Clawthorne. I am your homeroom and history teacher. You know we move from class to class right?"
"Yeah I do..my old school did the same thing." I felt a light chuckle leave my mouth, even though I didn't want that. I felt more heat light up my face and I swear if I was looking in a mirror right now, I'd be brighter than the god damn sun.
"That's good. Well, since you're new here, everyone else needs to get to know you. Why don't you come up to the front and tell us about yourself?" Ms. Clawthorne reached her hand out as she was telling me to come up. I felt my heart die out as she asked that. I knew it was gonna happen too. I mentally prepared myself for this scenario, why was I acting so weird?
Probably has to due with the fact that one: I'm a total loser and I never had friends, and two: I already got a new enemy sitting right behind me. I know the second I get up here, I'm gonna be seeing her face scrunch up with judgement and disgust with whatever I say. Her insults and faces to me already gave me a bad start, I don't want that to continue, but I really don't have a choice do I?
"Hey….it's okay to feel nervous about it. Trust me, going to a new school isn't easy, but I know you're gonna be fine." Mrs. Clawthorne's genuine smile towards me was...comforting to say the least. In my old school, I had so many issues with my teachers, but this is the first teacher that is actually being genuinely nice to me. She wasn't rushing me, she wasn't judging me, from what I can tell at least, and she was just being genuine.
Slowly, I got up from my desk, and walked over to the front, and every step I took felt like a lifetime. When I finally did reach the front, I took a deep breath, straightened out my limbs and turned towards the class. The first glance I saw of them almost made me feel sick. The confidence I barely gained from that completely shattered as I saw the fixation of eyes stare me down. Every slight movement I did, they followed.
I looked over to Ms. Clawthorne for reassurance, and she noticed the fear I had. She trotted over to me, and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Don't worry dear, it's gonna be alright. I'll sit right next to you, would that make you feel a little better?" Her sympathetic look made me feel a little better, as well as her offer. Any other kid would probably deny it, or at least begrudgingly say yes just to have her there for no purpose, but her being next to me actually made me feel comfortable. I don't know what it is, but it seems like she has this aura around her that makes me feel….safe.
I slowly nodded my head, and within seconds, she pulled up a chair, situated it next to me and sat down.
"Just take a deep breath and go when you're ready."
A deep breath.
I huffed up some air, thought about what to say, and then exhaled.
"H-hey guys. My name is L-Luz Noceda and I am here from RVA. Um.." I thought for a second as to what I should say next. "I don't really have any activities I do outside of s-school. I live with my mother….and um…" I started to feel myself get more nervous as I stood quiet, trying to think. I could feel all the eyes pressuring on me. It almost felt like I couldn't breath, feeling those gazes. It drove me crazy. I had to say something.
"I also….I also like to read the Azura books.."
Not that you fucking idiot.
I said the thing about the Azura books pretty quietly, but I can tell the class heard for the most part. I can see some people stayed neutral with what I said, others looked confused, and there was that small percentage of people that had looks of judgement. I can tell what they were thinking. Unsurprisingly, one of those people was Boscha.
She randomly started coughing out of nowhere in the middle of the silence. It was clearly a forced cough to get some attention on her, and I was nervous to hear what she would say next. Ms. Clawthorne asked what was wrong, and Boscha gave a sly smirk that made my blood run cold.
"Sorry, just had something in my throat. Anyways, Azura huh? That's very-" she cut herself off for a moment, as she covered her mouth from a chuckle she was holding back. "That's very interesting Luz."
At this point, my body started to lightly shake again. It wasn't noticeable, but I could feel it. My anxiety and fear were going ballistic. I'm surprised I was able to mask it while I stood up in front of everyone, but I felt myself die inside.
"Oh, uh...thank you…" I looked over to the teacher and gave her a forced smile. "That's all I can really say."
She gave a light smile, and stood up. "Alright Luz, you may go back to your desk." I saw her look around the class, and they started to applaud lightly. I didn't think of it much, it's just what you do to a presentation of some kind.
I got back to my desk, and leaned back on my chair, taking a breath and trying to calm down my nerve, but that was short lived by someone going psst behind me.
"Azura? Really? Wow, not only are you clumsy and a mess, but you got terrible taste. You impress me Luz."
I didn't even bother to acknowledge her. I tried to ignore her words, but they already drilled themselves into my brain, being added along with all the other insults and words I have heard from my peers. Today was already going shit. I just want to go home, and hide from the world.
The bell finally rang, indicating our first period was starting, and everyone grabbed their stuff and proceeded to the door. I passed by the teacher and she noticed my frown and pulled me to the side for a moment.
"Going to a new school is challenging, I know it is honey. You must really miss your old friends already."
The irony in that sentence is both comedic and tragic.
"Yeah...I sure do…" I lied. I wasn't gonna tell her that I had no friends. That would be too depressing to bring up on the first day at least. Even then, I didn't need any more judgement.
"If you need any advice, assistance or any help with anything, I'm always gonna be here, as well as any other teachers in this building." She patted me on the shoulder, and then backed up again. "We want your experience here to be the best."
It was good to at least have someone on my side for once. She was the only thing that was holding me together so far.
"Thank you Ms. Clawthorne. I will do that if I need it." I lightly smiled as I trudged to the door, but before I crossed the barrier, I felt another tap on my shoulder. Thinking it was the teacher again, I turned around, only to discover it wasn't her, but two other students. One was a girl about my height. She had puffy hair, she wore round glasses, and wore a green long sleeve with a hoodie wrapped around her waist. The other student was a boy who was shorter than both of us. He had brown hair that poofed upwards and with some highlights on the side. He wore a light turquoise scarf along with a black shirt and turquoise undershirt.
I was rightfully unnerved at first. All of my interactions with anyone here so far apart from the teacher was negative. I was scared to see more people come in and talk me down or something, but these two didn't have scowls or faces of judgement. They had smiles. Smiles just like Ms. Clawthorne.
"Your name is Luz right?" The girl asked. I nodded my head, and she rested her hand on her chest. "My name is Willow."
The boy then stepped forwards with a hand out. "My name is Gus. It's nice to meet you." I was cautious to shake his hand at first, but his cheerful smile made me feel comfortable enough to feel like nothing was gonna go wrong.
"It's nice to meet you guys too." I dropped Gus's hand as I looked over to Willow.
"We saw how nervous you were up there. Trust me, we've been there. She did that with everyone last year. Most of us were just like you." I found myself lightly chuckling. I couldn't imagine someone internally dying as much as I was up there.
"Well, at least I know I wasn't alone." I chuckled again.
The bell rang again, indicating that we had a minute or two left to get to class.
"We got to get to our separate classes now, but come meet us again at lunch. It would be nice to get to know you more Luz." Gus stated, as he made his way towards the door with Willow. "We'll see you around!" They both waved at me and disappeared in the flood of people.
My mood afterwards immediately changed. I was smiling, content with my life. I think I just met my new friends.
I strolled out of homeroom, already wishing it was lunch time.