I've been nervously standing at the corner of the curtain backstage watching the show as it unfolds. It's a little awkward to be standing in full hair and make up, and this tiny dress sewn onto my body, but I am really interested in watching the other performers. So far the show has been a really interesting mix of different styles of pop music and hip hop, with some solo performers mixed in with groups of varying sizes. I don't recognize most of the faces, not staying in the dorm long enough to really get a sense of who anyone else was. One face is definitely absent, Dae-yun, and I'm glad for that. I never asked Taehyung anything about what happened, but I know it was taken care of for me, just like almost everything else has been.
I peek out from behind the curtain far enough to see the audience. I haven't been able to see past the lights to know where Taehyung is, but I know he's with my parents. The idea of it is incredible to me. I'm amazed that they are here at all, such a long trip to see essentially a press showcase. It is also my birthday but even though I'm an only child, birthdays weren't that big a deal in my house growing up. I don't remember ever having a party or anything more than a small meal and a few gifts, after homework and chores were done of course. I also am amazed at how much Taehyung has arranged and done, without me even knowing, just to make this day possible for me. I don't know if he will ever know how truly grateful I am.
The showcase is nearly done after over an hour of performers coming out non stop. The make up and hair stylists come to where I am stood and apply touch ups. I wriggle in the tight wardrobe adjusting it, and I jump up and down a little to boost my own energy and adrenaline. My hands are starting to shake. The stage manager steps up to queue me to go on, she moves her headset mic away from her mouth and leans in.
"You're on Sunny. Go own the stage girl," she says giving me a big smile. I nod at her and feel instant relief as I take in her words. This is my time to shine.
I hear applause and a few shouts as I walk onto the darkened stage and wait for the lights to come up and find me. The music playback begins, loud and throbbing in my head, the lights turn to illuminate my form on the stage, alone, in front of a waiting crowd. One beat into the music, and a swivel of my hip and I am instantly transformed into the persona I am meant to be. The stage does feel like it belongs to me, the lights warm my body as I move, remembering Jia's words and I feel the music, every beat. I can see some of the smiling faces of the audience at my feet, some look up in wonder and some are cheering. Their reactions gives me fuel, energizing me, and making me feel powerful. Some of them are dancing, clapping over their heads, arms reaching out towards me. Even the people wearing suits, and scribbling notes furiously, whispering between each other, seem to be smiling.
I focus on the performance, my voice sounds very strong and I feel more relaxed than I expected. I am engulfed by the feeling of love and admiration from those in the audience, and it's making me stronger moment by moment, but I want to see my parents. I want to see my fathers face as he watches this performance. And I want to see Taehyungs reaction. He has only ever seen me practice.
My choreography allows me to move to the opposite side of the stage and I see Taehyung. He smiles so big his eyes almost disappear becoming beautiful crescents. I give him a sly wink from the stage and he bites his lip. It sends a chill through my body already teeming with electricity.
I see the face of both of my parents, standing small next to Taehyung who towers over them. My mother has her hand up, her fingers covering her mouth, but her eyes stare back at me hard, and it looks like they're filled with tears. My father is smiling in that low key way he has of taking in good news he was expecting. The wave of the performance crashes over me, as I finish the song, strike the last pose, and freeze in place for a full ten seconds under the burning spotlight as the audience begins to applaud. I try to slow my breathing, looking down at the floor of the stage, arm up triumphantly still holding my microphone like a trophy above my head. I can hear cheering. I can even hear Taehyungs voice, so deep and low, shouting out to me. I lower my arm, place my hands together in a prayer pose, and bow to the audience, mouthing the words 'thank you,' knowing that they can never be enough to thank everyone in this room for letting me have this moment.
I drop my head lower in the bow and I hear the swell of the audience still cheering. I lift my head a little and come face to face with the suits from earlier, they each applaud quickly smiling and nodding to each other. My performance feels complete. The past few months feel complete. And I feel powerful. I stand tall, nodding again to the audience as I walk to the side of the stage. I wave goodbye, and I blow a kiss in the direction of Taehyung, and my parents.
I step behind the curtain from the stage and I see Jia smiling at me. She reaches out her arms to hug me and I squeeze her tightly.
"Thank you Jia unnie, thank you for helping me!" I cry out, relieved to have this performance done, and yet missing the thrill of it already.
She hugs me tightly then pulls back. "That was all you Sunny."
"Sunny you better get back out there." The stage manager interrupts us and points back toward the stage. I turn, confused, and my eyes follow in the direction of her outstretched finger. I become aware of the sound of the audience still applauding. "Get out there and take another bow." She shoos me with her hand toward the stage.
I release Jia from the embrace and turn to walk back out onto the stage under the lights. The sound of the crowd grows as I step out and wave. I stand under the spotlight, looking at the faces of the people near the front and I blow a kiss to them then bow, my hands folded in front of me. I bow several more times before I walk back across the stage to the side, smiling and so relieved.
The lights behind me turn off and I hear a general hub of the crowd beginning to file out of the venue. Jia puts an arm over my shoulder and walks me back toward the wardrobe room through the hallway crowded with performers lining the walls, occasionally congratulating me as I pass them.
"Did you discover which path?" she whispers close to my ear. I look into her eyes, shaking my head.
"Not yet, but it doesn't matter. Either way, now I know I will be ok." I smile at her as I step into the wardrobe room and people begin to help me with the costume. She stands near the door as I get changed into the clothes I came to the show in, which now feel so plain and ordinary in comparison to my performance outfit. Jia waits for me until I finish and come out of the room, she smiles as she walks beside me.
"The company will be meeting with you soon to talk about their ideas for your future," she says. I nod, expecting this.
"I will remember what you told me Jia. I need to control my own path, I realize that now." I say softly leaning close to her. She winks at me as she smiles and we are interrupted by Taehyung who steps up to me with open arms. Jia lowers her head and steps back, slipping away into the crowd of people moving through the backstage as they circle around us.
"My Sunny," he says, wrapping me in his arms and pulling me into his chest. "That was magnificent." He holds me for a long moment and I forget about all of the people around us. He leans back to look down at me, "Did it feel just as incredible to you on stage? Could you feel the audience reacting to you?" he asks, excitement in his voice.
"Yes. I felt this wave of energy washing over me and I think it made me perform better!" He nods.
"The company wants to meet with you, now, but before that, there are two fans of yours who would like very much to speak to you," he steps aside and I see my parents standing behind him, looking so awkward and out of place amidst the chaos of the backstage. I am overwhelmed to see them and I rush to hug my mother, feeling her squeeze me tighter than she may ever have done.
"Eomma! I'm so happy to see you, I'm so glad you came," I say hugging her close. She pulls back, looking smaller and a little more timid than I remember only a few months ago. She has tears in her eyes. I look up to my father and my back straightens instinctively. "Appa, I hope I made you proud today." I lower my head and drop my eyes feeling the weight of his stare. His lips curl at the ends and a smile spreads across his face.
"Sun Hee, I think you made yourself proud. You have worked very hard, but you are truly blessed with a natural gift." He grabs my arm pulling me close to embrace me and I can feel the tears filling my eyes. I have never heard him say anything like this to me. He has seen me perform, but he has never expressed the idea that I have a natural gift. He usually tells me what I need to work harder on, or how practicing more will improve my performance. I can't hide the tears that come to my eyes.
"Thank you Appa. I had very good teachers." I smile up at Taehyung.
"Yes." My father clears his throat. "We know that you are busy and you have much to do, we will go back to our hotel now and we can see you tomorrow before we leave," he says, looking over at Taehyung, exchanging a glance.
"You can't wait for me?" I ask surprised.
"We will see you tomorrow. Just know that we are very happy for you." He smiles and nods as he and my mother seem to back away down the corridor. I wave slowly watching them disappear until Taehyung interrupts my thoughts.
"Sunny, you need to speak to a few people before we can leave." He leads me by the hand toward a small group of people standing nearby.
"Let's go someplace more private to talk." One of the men I was introduced to earlier instructs me to follow him. I walk after the small group and Taehyung winks at me as I turn back, surprised that he is not coming along.
"I'll be waiting for you," he calls after me, blowing me a kiss.
I turn back to the group of three people, and I feel a little out of my element, but I try to remember how powerful I felt on stage, and carry that with me into the small room they close us into.
"I hoped you were pleased with the performance," I say trying to break the tension I feel.
"More than pleased Sun Hee, it was better than we had expected in such a short time of training." The oldest man says smiling just a little.
"You have done much to improve since coming to train," a woman I had not met before tells me. "The audience reaction to you tells me that you need to release a song, an original song, very soon, and we would like to get you into the studio and then on tour of some television shows once your contract is signed."
"Contract?" I ask looking up. I hadn't thought much about how all of this happens, I was so focused on the performance.
"Yes," The older man continues. "We would like you to be part of the BigHit family, more formally. Tomorrow we will be talking with your manager, and lawyers to arrange the contract, and then we can get a song for you and get you into the studio next week."
I nod my head as I take in his words, wondering who my manager and lawyers are, wondering if I already have them, or if I need to make some decisions quickly. I wish my parents hadn't left, I wish Taehyung was here with me...
"But, will I get to choose my own song? It's important to me that I get to have a say." I look straight at each of them. The three exchange glances then look back at me.
"We will iron out all of the details later, for now, you should celebrate. We will call you tomorrow, but not too early." she says to me grinning.
"Thank you for your belief in me," I say in earnest, bowing my head. They leave me alone in the small room and I stand for a moment to take it in. It's the future I hoped for, the start of it. I look over and catch site of myself in the full length mirror. I look different, maybe it's the stage make up and hair, but I feel different too. I smile at the new me I see reflected. I have a future, I'm on my path, and I'm going to work so hard to get where I want to go.
The path seems clearer to me now after my performance, and I feel more sure of myself. The confidence comes as a gift from the audience, the company, and my parents approval. And perhaps most of all, the gift of Taehyung believing in me from the very start.