control zoe wees
"i wouldnt have made it if i didnt have you holding my hand."
i waited until i saw clairo walk inside until i got back into my car.
i had to know she was safe, ya know?
i drove back home with only the sound of music filling my car. there was no clairo there to listen to as she sang to me.
and there was no clairo there to sing to.
so i drove home in silence.
because when she left me, my alive feeling did too.
i pulled into my driveway and headed inside. i saw the lights still on.
"mum, im home," i announced as i kicked my shoes off.
"oh! ashton!" mum called from the couch as she stood up.
when i walked into view, her smile died off. "no clairo?"
"no clairo," i repeated back to her. "she came with us to practice but i dropped her at home."
"aww," she sighed. "i really loved her. i was hoping youd bring her around more."
"shell be back soon," i told her as we both turned to walk towards the living room.
"whats that supposed to mean?" she asked confused walking in front of me.
"just shell be back," i started. "neither of us can live without the other at this point," i whispered below my breath.
"what was that?" she asked as she sat down on the coach.
"oh nothing. but youll see her again soon, im sure of it," i told her as i walked towards the stairs to head to my room.
"well, i like her so bring her back around," i heard her call from the couch. "she seems to make you happy and i like it that way."
"i will mum," i called back as i reached my
door. "good night, love you."
"love you, ashton," she called as i walked inside my room.
id never understood the idea of love until now.
ever since i was a kid, i would tell me mom i loved her, but i never understood what it meant.
but now i do.
i think i love clairo.
and shes the reason im starting to understand what love is.
love is when you would do anything for that person, to keep them safe and make them happy.
loves when theyre your reason to keep going.
love is when theyre your yellow.
clairo is my yellow. and i love her.
until i had clairo, my mom was my 'yellow', my reason to keep going. and thats why i love her.
and now i have clairo too.
but im too scared to tell her.
i laid down on my bed, pulling out my phone.
ashton
thank you for everything tonight.
and just being you in general.
yellow
and thank you for being you.
ashton
sleep well yellow.
yellow
i will.
——
i fell asleep not long after that. i showered and changed but fell asleep as soon as i hit my bed.
i used to be tired all the time because i could never sleep through the night, but now im tired because im up all night living with clairo.
and i loved it that way.
and i loved clairo.
i hadnt known her long, maybe three months but she meant everything to me.
in three months shed managed to give me a reason to keep going. i dont know how she did it, but she did.
in three months shed erased my nightmares. i dont know how she did it, but she did.
in three months shed managed to make me to fall head over heels in love with her. i dont know how she did it, but she did.
and those were only some of the things i loved her for.
only some of the reasons i would do anything for her.
thats why when my phone rang at 2am, i rolled over to pick it up right away.
"hello?" i answered sleepily, hoping it was her on the other end.
"ashton," i heard clairo voice through stuttered breaths.
"yellow?" i asked sitting up, concerned for her. "whats wrong?"
"i-" she was trying to spit out words, but she couldnt manage to get any out. i could tell she was having a panic attack
"yellow?" i asked again, standing up out of bed.
she didnt even try to speak as i heard her breathing become even more labored through her tears.
i grabbed my keys off my table, throwing a shirt on, and running down the stairs.
"clairo, im coming to you, okay?" i whispered through the phone.
"i- i cant... i cant breath," i heard her finally spit out.
"okay, just breathe with me," i told her as i started my car.
"in thru your nose," i breathed in, trying to encourage her to follow along.
"and out thru your mouth," i continued.
i could hear her trying to follow along with me, but her anxiety just kept overcoming all her mental power.
"ash-" she finally spit out.
"yeah, im here," i told her as i sped down the streets of our small town.
"i cant-" she tried to say again.
"i know, youre having a panic attack. you need to try to breathe with me," i explained to her as i turned onto her street.
she tried to breathe along with me as i threw my car in park in front of her house.
i ran to her front door, pushing on the doorknob.
"shit, its locked," i said looking around as to what to do.
i remembered back to the night i brought her home, after what he did to her. she had pointed to the wreath when i asked her where her key was.
i looked up to the wreath, searching for a key when i saw it.
"okay, i found it. im coming," i told her as i unlocked her door knob. i could still hear her trying to take in air and failing.
i pushed the door shut behind me, running towards her room.
i hung up the phone as opened her door.
she was sitting on her bed, tears streaming down her face. her hands were holding her chest as if she was in actual pain from the lack of oxygen.
i stepped towards her, sitting down on the bed behind her. i wrapped my arms around her, listening as her breathing slowly became less labored.
i continued to tell her "in and out" as her breathing began to return to normal.
"what happened, yellow?" i asked when she finally started to calm down.
"it was a nightmare," she started as her anxiety grew back.
she started fighting back tears again, her breathing becoming labored. "i couldnt get him off of me and you werent there this time."
"oh god," i whispered under my breath as she leaned farther back into me. "im here now."
we sat together like that until clairos breathing evened back out and she calmed back down.
"im so sorry, clairo," i whispered to her as i held her tight.
"thank you," was all i heard her weak voice manage.
"why?" was all i asked her as she brought her hand up to rest on my arm.
"for being here," she said quietly, leaning down and lightly kissing my arm.
"i told you id be here whenever you needed me," i told her as i set my chin in the crook of her neck.
"i know. but thank you for actually being here," she whispered.
i leaned up and kissed her cheek. "do you need anything? water or something?"
"no," she shook her head. "i just need you right now."
"and im here," i told her as i held her tight.
we sat like that for a while, just wrapped in eachothers arms.
cause clairo needed me.
so i would be there.
cause i loved her and would do anything for her.
but i was too scared to admit it.