TRIGGER WARNING : HOMOPHOBIC SLURS :
I am back at school, I see everyone staring at me and my bruises, I dont know what they are imagining. To be honest I have struggle to walk because my bones and my abs hurt a lot. I go to class and crosses the path of Jens and the others.
- Hey hey hey Sander ! yells Jens
I stop and look at them.
- Hey...
- What happened to your face ? he asks concerned
I sight.
- Nothing really.
- That doesnt seem to be nothing.
I look at Moyo, he isnt looking at me.
- For what it matters, why would you guys care about a fagg*t like me ? Uh ? I say before living them and seeing Moyo is finally looking at me, surprised.
I would've never said that if Robbe was there, I know how hurtful is this word, I would never want to hurt him... even if he cant even admit that he likes boys... or just me. It is like he can admit it but as soon as it means that he isnt straight then he cant admit it anymore !
I come in the class without looking at the teacher, after like ten minutes of class, the school nurse knocks and enters :
- Is Sander Driesen here ?
I raise my hand to say that it is me and I am here.
- Can you come with me please ? Oh and bring your bag ?
- Why ?
She doesnt answer me and just wait outside, we go to the nursery together. She makes me sit on a chair.
After a while I ask :
- So why am i here ? Have I done something ?
- No, of course not, I am not the headmaster... Sander if you are here it is because the school noticed some stuffs, and figured out that you need to talk to a psychologist.
- What ?? I already got one, I think it is enough !
- Sander, do you got any friends ?
- ...not really...
- But... didnt you used to have some ? The teachers noticed that you became really lonely recently, which means that you weren't always like that.
I dont answer, what am i supposed to say ? "Oh yeah they probably call me a f*ggot behind my back !"
- Do you want to talk about what happened with your friends ?
- Not really...
- Okay, and... what happened to your face ? Did one of your ex-friends do that to you ?
- No, I just fell.
She sights.
- Sander you do know that it is very obvious that someone did this to you ?
- Okay and you know that it is really obvious that i dont wanna talk about it ! Why am I here anyway ?? What do you care ??
She stare at me for a while :
- Sander, I need you to understand something. People care about you, you might not see it but they really care about you. Some teachers came to me, because you would often enter the class with bruises. They are concerned about why and how you got them, is it from another student at school ? Or from one of your parents ? Or from someone that the school doesn't even know ? They dont want to know what happened because it is private but what they see is that one of their students is having a hard time. You need to talk to someone Sander, you might already got a psychologist but from what I see, if you tell him nothing, what is the point to have him ? You need to open yourself. And what you'll tell me will stay between you and me.
I look down for a moment, and after a minute or two, I say :
- Okay good the teachers are worried, what about the students ? Teachers arent gonna become my friends, I dont care about them.
- It is not because they arent your friends that they cant be worried about you. Isnt there anyone who isnt a student that you are worried about, anyone that you would want to help.
- No, I am good on my own, I dont need adults to worry about.
She keeps staring at me while I am still looking down.
- You dont really like adults, dont you ?
I sight.
- I dont really like people in general... but yeah, I dont like adults even more.
- Why ?
- Let's just say that the adults I know arent really role models.
She frowns.
- Are you talking about your parents ?
I dont answer.
- Sander, I cant force you to tell me things, but we must see each others every weeks, twice per week actually. On Monday and on Friday, and I dont know about you but coming twice a week one hour here to just look at the wall and tell me nothing... it is kinda a waste of time.
I sight once again, look up to her and say :
- Well let's waste our time then.