Thank you, Diana, for coming up with the idea for our hashtags. 😆 #WYENTwentyFirstNotice 💛
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Chapter 21
I can feel that Seve's getting angrier. It would be best if I try to tell Lael that it's alright.
"Lael," I called to stop him.
But my eyes widened in shock when Seve suddenly grabbed Lael's collar with his other hand.
"Seve!" I called in outrage at mabilis na lumapit sa kanila.
Mabilis kong hinawakan ang braso ni Seve at hinila s'ya palayo pero mahigpit ang kapit n'ya sa plain black round neck shirt ni Lael. Seve's eyes look livid and he has a sarcastic smile plastered on his lips like he's taunting Lael.
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang tensyon sa paligid nilang dalawa at hindi ko alam kung pa'no ko sila pipigilan.
"What the hell are you planning to do with Zenica?" Mariing tanong ni Seve, may madilim na ngisi pa rin sa mga labi.
Napalunok ako at napatingin kay Lael.
He's far from the gentle Lael I'm used to. Matalim ang titig n'ya kay Seve at ramdam ko ang pagpipigil n'ya ng galit para rito. He looks ruthless and violent.
Hindi naman dapat nadadamay si Lael dito! Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Dapat siguro, sinabi ko na kay Seve na ayoko na. Na hindi na ako 'yung dating Zen na kayang magtiis sa kan'ya.
I'm not that Zen anymore. And I wouldn't dare come back. I wouldn't want to come back.
"Seve, let go!" I pulled him away but Seve pushed me off.
I almost stumbled because of it but I was able to maintain my balance. I cursed under my breath but I had no time to think about my state when I was taken aback when Lael grabbed Seve's collar too with so much contempt because of what Seve did to me.
Lael cursed loudly at pakiramdam ko, kaunti na lang ay mawawalan na s'ya ng pasensya.
Parang kumikiskis sa tainga ang tunog ng bayolenteng galaw nilang dalawa at ang matatalim na paghinga dahil sa galit.
"Lael, please..." I called.
Nakita ko ang bigat ng paghinga ni Lael at ang riin ng pagkuyom ng panga n'ya. Hindi n'ya maalis ang tingin kay Seve. His eyes are glistening with anger and I knew that I need to intervene between the both of them before someone gets hurt.
Imbis na si Seve ang hilahin ko, hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Lael at sinubukan s'yang hilahin.
Lael's grip on Seve's collar loosened up the moment I touched his hand. I held his hand tightly.
Lael harshly removed and threw off Seve's hold on his shirt and he hid me behind his back as if protecting me from Seve.
Narinig ko ang mahinang tawa ni Seve at ang mahinang murang pinakawalan kasabay ng pag-ihip ng hangin.
"Zen, are you really choosing him?" Seve laughed without humor and looked at me but Lael was quick to hide me behind his back.
Hindi ko na makita pa ang ekspresyon ni Seve dahil natatabunan ng malawak na balikat ni Lael ang paningin ko. I bet that Seve looks hurt, betrayed, and angry. Agad na may gumapang na lungkot sa puso ko.
Seve's still a friend to me and I hate that we have to be like this.
"After everything we've been through?"
I stood silent. Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kamay namin ni Lael na magkahawak sa likuran n'ya. I caressed it, an attempt to calm him down. Humigpit ang hawak ni Lael sa kamay ko.
Seve cursed loudly and I heard a thud like he kicked his car wheel before he rode his car and left.
Nabalot kaming dalawa ni Lael ng katahimikan.
Sa paggalaw ng balikat n'ya, alam kong malalim pa rin ang paghinga n'ya sa galit. He's calming himself down, I realized.
He shouldn't be involved in this mess. Magkaibigan kami... at wala naman s'yang ginawang masama.
Lumapit ako kay Lael at isinandal ang noo ko sa likod n'ya. I felt him froze.
I feel so bad right now. All he brought to my life was warmness and peace. Pero ang ibinibigay ko sa kan'ya, parating gulo at pag-aalala.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
Napapikit ako nang nabalot ulit kaming dalawa ni Lael ng katahimikan ng gabi.
Ang ingay ng puso ko dahil sa naramdamang kaba dahil sa nangyari kanina. Parang ngayon ko lang 'yon narinig dahil masyadong nabuhos ang atensyon ko sa nangyayari sa kanilang dalawa ni Seve.
Dahil sa bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, nararamdaman ko ang kaunting pagkirot no'n sa bawat malalim na tibok. I tried to calm it down throught breathing.
If Lael didn't pull away, I feel like they'd actually throw a punch at each other. Napabuga ako ng hangin. I never liked violence. Madalas na mapa-away si Seve pero hindi si Lael. I know that it's not his thing too.
Alam kong kayang ipaglaban ni Lael ang sarili n'ya. It's just that... I don't want him to hurt himself. I don't want him to hurt someone. Lael's not like that. He shouldn't be like that just because of me.
Lael slowly turned around to face me pero hindi ko na nakita pa ang ekspresyon n'ya dahil dahan-dahan na n'ya akong hinila sa isang yakap.
I can still feel him slightly shaking, maybe because of his anger. I've never seen him that angry, na parang kaunting tulak na lang, mapuputol na ang pising pumipigil sa kan'ya.
And although I feel awed that he can be that angry for my sake; because he's worried about me and he cares about me, ayoko nang makitang magkagano'n ulit s'ya.
Anger is a toxic feeling. Something that feels really damaging and stressful. Feelings like that are things I don't want him to have.
Because he deserves better.
"Sorry, I was late," Lael mumbled.
Inisip ko na ngayong gabi ang tinutukoy n'ya. Na dapat, mas maaga s'yang dumating para hindi na ako naabutan pa ni Seve. Pero pakiramdam ko, may iba pa s'yang pakahulugan sa sinabi n'ya.
But silently, I agreed with him. Kahit ano man ang tinutukoy n'ya... oo. I pursed my lips. Sana mas maaga kitang nakilala.
Nang kumalas s'ya sa yakap, nakita kong itinabon ni Lael ang kanang kamay n'ya sa mga mata at bumuga s'ya ng hangin habang hawak naman ng kaliwang kamay n'ya ang kanan kong kamay.
Pinagmasdan ko s'ya habang kinakalma n'ya ang sarili. He's wearing a black round-neck shirt and a pair of jeans, just like what he usually wears. But still, he looks good in it.
Ibinaba ko ang tingin ko sa kamay naming magkahawak at naramdaman ko ang pagkalma ng nararamdaman ko.
I think I was scared earlier. I was scared for Lael. Na baka masaktan s'ya o makasakit s'ya. I don't like that.
"Let's pick Caleb up," he mumbled and he pulled me towards his nearby car.
Pinagmasdan ko ang sasakyan n'ya. Mukhang hindi na n'ya naisip pang iparada ang sasakyan kanina dahil sa pagmamadali. Bukas pa ang pinto ng driver's seat at parang nalimutang isarado.
He was that worried about me?
I watched Lael's back. Lumapit s'ya sa passenger side at binuksan ang pinto no'n. I quietly slid inside before I raised my gaze at Lael again.
He's avoiding my eyes.
Isinarado ni Lael ang pinto at nakita kong humawak s'ya sa hood ng kotse n'ya. I think he's still calming himself because I can see him trying to breathe out his frustration.
Tahimik kami sa sasakyan n'ya nang napagdesisyunan na naming umalis. I was looking outside the window of his car because I can't really think of how to lighten up the atmosphere between us.
Hindi ko alam kung okay na s'ya pero kanina pa s'ya tahimik. Nilingon ko si Lael at nakita ko ang seryoso n'yang titig sa kalsada, malalim ang iniisip.
Ano'ng iniisip n'ya? I want to know but I can't bring myself to ask him about it.
Dinaanan namin ang bahay ni Caleb. It's almost midnight and Caleb's house looks quiet. Lael didn't turn the engine of his car off but he removed his seatbelt.
"Tutulungan ko lang," aniya, lumingon sa akin at binigyan ako ng maliit na ngiti.
I stared at Lael so he stared back at me. Nag-aalala pa rin ako na baka hindi pa s'ya maayos but he's giving me a reassuring smile.
He smiled before he went out of his car and closed the door.
Pinagmasdan ko s'ya nang sinalubong s'ya ni Caleb ng high five. Tinanggap 'yon ni Lael at may pinag-usapan silang hindi ko naman marinig. I feel like it's about Seve because Caleb frowned and he cursed aloud.
I sighed before I went out of the car too and walked towards the car's trunk where they were. Napatingin sa akin si Lael at Caleb nang lumabas ako ng kotse kaya pakiramdam ko, tama nga akong ang nangyari kanina ang pinag-uusapan nila.
Lael crossed his arms and leaned on his car as he watched Caleb.
"I can't believe Seve! Did he really go to your house just to throw a tantrum?" Iling ni Caleb at inilagay na ang luggage n'ya sa trunk ng kotse. Minura ni Caleb si Lael. "Sabi ko sa'yo, ako muna ang sunduin mo, L. Nabakuran sana natin si Zen?"
"Lalo akong male-late kung inuna kita," Lael said, ngumingisi na.
Napatawa si Caleb at minura ulit ang kaibigan bago ako nilingon.
"Pakisabi kay Seve, suwerte s'ya dahil wala ako ro'n," Caleb pointed at me.
Hindi ko tuloy napigilan ang ngiti ko sa sinabi n'ya. Caleb really has his ways to lighten up everything.
Lael hissed and he whispered something I still heard.
"'Bakit kakausapin pa?"
Narinig din 'yon ni Caleb kaya napatawa s'ya at minura si Lael.
"Selos ka naman?" Caleb said before he closed the trunk.
Lael hissed and frowned pero hindi na nagsalita pa. Napangiti ako at na-realize na mas maayos na ang disposisyon n'ya kaysa kanina kaya napahinga na ako nang maluwag.
Itinukod ni Caleb ang dalawang kamay n'ya sa trunk ng sasakyan ni Lael bago ako tinitigan. Sa paraan ng pagtingin ni Caleb, pakiramdam ko, seryoso ang gusto n'yang sabihin at gusto n'yang makinig ako nang mabuti.
I crossed my arms and leaned on Lael's car too as I stared back at Caleb.
"Zen, we've been silent about this because we don't want to put our noses on your business but I don't think Seve's being reasonable with you," he said, sounding like a parent so I couldn't help my forming smile.
Nakita ni Caleb 'yon kaya natawa s'ya. Hindi ko na rin tuloy napigilan ang ngisi ko. Nakita ko ang pag-iling ni Lael dahil sa disappointment sa aming dalawa ng kaibigan n'ya.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit magseryoso si Caleb, hindi ko pa rin mapigilang matawa.
"Seryoso nga," tawa ni Caleb. His laugh faded and he smiled at me reassuringly. "Just tell us if you want back up, lagi kaming on-call."
Nawala na ang tawa ko at natira ang ngiti. Naramdaman ko ang pagbalot ng mainit na kamay sa puso ko. This is how it feels to have someone who got my back.
"Ayaw naming pangunahan ka... but I think it's best to stay away from Seve for a while," dagdag ni Caleb.
Nakita ko ang pag-iwas ng tingin ni Lael at ang seryoso na naman n'yang mga mata na nakatitig sa kawalan.
Napabuntong-hininga ako at tumango, ibinabalik ang tingin kay Caleb.
Kung wala kaya silang dalawa ni Caleb, magiging okay kaya ako? Kung sa gabing 'to, mag-isa ako sa kuwarto, walang mapagkuwentuhan at mag-isang nag-iisip, kaya ko pa rin kayang ngumiti? Kaya ko pa rin kayang makahinga nang maluwag?
Kung dati 'to nangyari, baka buong gabi akong hindi makatulog at hindi payapa ang puso ko. Pero ngayong kasama ko sina Caleb at Lael, parang magaan ang pakiramdam ko sa kabila ng nangyari.
Parang lumipas lang ang nangyari kanina at mas magaan na ang pakiramdam ko.
Usually, during trips, I'd sleep the whole ride there. Pero ni hindi ko magawang tulugan ang mga kuwento ni Caleb at tawanan namin sa sasakyan.
Ang ganda ng gabing 'yon habang bumabyahe kaming puno ng tawanan. Sa ilaw galing sa mga nadadaanang poste, mga sasakyan, at mga establisyimento, payapa ang puso ko at masaya habang pinapakinggan at pinagmamasdan sina Caleb at Lael.
Caleb talked about how bewildered his mom was when he started packing his clothes earlier.
"Mama thought I was about to elope with someone," tawa ni Caleb at napamura. "Wala nga akong girlfriend!"
Agad kaming napatawa ni Lael at hindi ko mapigilang lingunin si Lael sa driver's seat. He's holding the stirring wheel with his right hand, samantalang nakatukod naman sa bintana ng kotse n'ya ang kaliwang siko. His left hand is slightly covering his lips as he laughed at what Caleb said.
Lumingon sa akin si Lael at nagtama ang mga tingin naming dalawa. I smiled at him and he returned it with a warm one. I pursed my lips and looked outside of his car's window, a smile forming on my lips again.
When a song played on the stereo, Lael and Caleb sang to the song and I couldn't help but laugh because of Caleb's off-tune singing. He would tell me to sing along, so in the end, sabay-sabay kaming kumanta sa tumutugtog na kanta. Hindi ko nga lang mapigilang matawa sa tuwing naririnig ang boses ni Caleb.
It's not that he's a bad singer. Sinasadya n'yang gawing mali ang tono kaya hindi namin mapigilang matawa.
"Heck, I'm so good!" Caleb hyped himself and I laughed as Lael threw him a curse. "Kain muna tayo," Caleb laughed.
Nasa Pampanga na kami nang sabihin 'yon ni Caleb at parehas naman kaming sumang-ayon ni Lael.
Lael pulled over to a stopover. Medyo marami ring mga sasakyan doon at bukas na bukas ang mga ilaw sa mga restaurants.
"I'm famished," madramang sabi ni Caleb bago lumabas ng kotse ni Lael at nag-inat.
Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Lael sa loob ng sasakyan.
I held my seatbelt and removed it. Nilingon ko si Lael na pinapatay na ang makina ng sasakyan. He pulled the hand-break and it made a creaking sound. Napalingon s'ya sa akin nang mapansing nakatitig pa rin ako sa kan'ya.
I smiled at him.
I want to assure him that everything's alright. With what happened earlier, alam kong iisipin n'ya ulit 'yon mamaya.
"I won't talk to him," I mumbled softly.
Napatitig sa akin si Lael. His eyes glistened with confusion.
"Habang nando'n tayo, I will try... to clear my thoughts of Seve," I said, like a promise.
Umaliwalas ang mukha ni Lael nang maintindihan ang sinasabi ko at napatitig s'ya sa'kin.
Hindi ko mabasa ang nasa isipan n'ya pero alam kong nakikinig s'yang mabuti sa sinasabi ko.
"I'm choosing myself this time," I told him and Lael's eyes glistened with pride not for himself but for me. "So you don't have to worry about me."
Napangiti si Lael at hindi n'ya maalis ang tingin sa akin. He nodded as he stared at me warmly.
I smiled back at him.
"Enjoy this trip, Zen," he mumbled. "You deserve it."
Unti-unting lumawak ang ngiti sa mga labi ko bago tumango at tuluyan nang lumabas ng sasakyan ni Lael.
I placed my hand above my raging heart after I closed the car's door behind me.
I think I can already see it—the things that I can't see before. I closed my eyes as my heart started being filled with glee.