It's been 6 months.
Many things have changed, we were no longer the young kids.
We slowly became a part of the older group, we started sitting at Mina's side of the hall.
The modified sitting arrangements made us get closer, though a huge part of me still saw them as Sana's close friends.
I'd often sneak questions into conversations.
"Do you still keep in touch with Sana?"
"Remember when Sana played this game with us at camp,"
"Sana would love this,"
I would come up with numerous ways of bringing Sana into the conversation.
Hoping to get something. Most of the time they just shrugged it off.
Except today.
"Sana is having her holidays in Japan, so she's flying back here to visit!" Mina declared to the group of us.
"Perfect timing! Your birthday party is next week!" Taehyung said.
Oh.
I'd see Sana next week, for the first time in 6 months.
It was the biggest deal.
"Dahyun? Aren't you excited? Weren't you close with Sana?" Jin asked, making me realised I was zoning out.
"I am!" I laughed.
So many possibilities.
We could bump each other at front door and enter together.
Or I could text her and we can take a cab there together.
We could happen to sit on the same couch and start conversation.
So many possibilities.
——
I was in my favourite dress, excitedly walking towards Mina's front door.
No Sana in sight.
So some possibilities have already been eliminated.
That was fine.
I had the whole night.
Then I push open the doors, walking in the the living room filled with a cacophony of sounds.
Party music, people's cheers, Sana's laughter.
Sana's laughter.
I couldn't hide my smile.
It took so much willpower to not run to her side immediately.
"The last group is here!" Taehyung greeted us.
"We can do the cake cutting now!" He signalled for everyone to gather around the cake on the table.
So we did.
I could wait.
Happy birthday to you,
Sana was beside Mina, her face lit up by the orange candle flame.
There was this ache that hurt so bad it left me frozen.
Paralysed, unsure of what to do next.
Happy birthday to you,
Knowing this was the most anticipated meeting,
Knowing it was the last meeting.
Happy birthday to Mina,
My leg started shaking uncontrollably.
I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried.
Out of excitement, maybe nervousness.
She was standing less than a meter a way from me.
The woman I had literally devoted my whole life to just a few months ago, is standing a meter away from me.
Nostalgic, so nostalgic.
The nervousness, it was the exact same feeling I felt every lecture.
The anticipation for the singing to end so i could turn to her.
Happy birthday to you.
The crowd cheered, Mina happily blew her candles.
The cakes were distributed, and the crowd moved back to their spots.
I quickly looked at Sana.
She was walking towards me, staring straight into my eyes.
"Hey," She giggled.
"I missed you," I said simply, opening my arms for a hug.
In her arms.
That's when I realised.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life in her arms.
"So, how's life?" She asked.
"Boring, but I found a game to play so it's getting better now," I looked up at her.
"Maple Story?"
"You remember?" I had told her countless times how much I loved that game.
It didn't seem like a topic in the conversation she'd remember but she did.
I smiled to myself.
"Of course I remember," She laughed.
There was a short silence.
I didn't know what to say next, I didn't know how to carry on with the conversation.
Then it hit me.
I forgot how to talk to her, I forgot the things she laughed at, her sense of humour.
These were the changes that couldn't be prevented and that was probably what hurt the most.
Because as time goes on, I start to forget some
the small details.
"How is Japan?"
It was the only thing I could think of.
How pathetic.
"It's fine, there's nothing much to say about it," She chuckled.
"Oh! I haven't written Mina a birthday card!" I quickly took a small plain paper out of my bag.
"Why didn't you write it earlier?" She scolded, chuckling.
Just like that, it started to feel like she never left.
"I had no time, you saw how late we were!"
"Classic Kim Dahyun," She pat my head, reaching into her pocket to pull out a pen.
"Mina, I got you an expensive gift," Sana read out from the card.
"Don't write that!" She gently smacked my arm.
"Hey. What's done is done," I shrugged as she rolled her eyes in response, still smiling.
"Hey! Why are you two just sitting there! Come on!" Mina signalled for us to go to the living room, or now known as the dance floor.
"Look at my cool moves," A random guy from campus started doing some awkward dance.
"That's lame," I laughed.
"What can you do?" He challenged.
I stepped into the empty area and started doing my eagle dance.
I hadn't heard Sana laugh this hard, ever.
It was the best feeling really.
So we danced for another ten minutes, maybe an hour, and the crowd slowly started disappearing.
A phone was ringing.
"It's my dad," Sana said, picking up her phone.
"I have to go," She said as she gave Mina a goodbye nod and scurried out the door.
So quickly.
My heart broke.
That was how it had to end.
I couldn't let it end like that.
I wouldn't be able to sleep in peace.
I rushed to the front door, afraid I would miss her.
Her father's car, a big, expensive looking one actually, was waiting.
"Sana!" I called out.
She turned her head, hand almost reaching the door.
"S-sana," My confidence shrank now that she was looking me in the eye.
"Hm?"
"Let's meet again,"
I paused, my eyes were already teary.
"One of these nights," I smiled.
She nodded.
"I'll come find you again,"
And just like that, she left my life for good.
——
Every now and then I still chance on an old photo of you and I.
I can't help but momentarily tear up at the fact that you're no longer here.
I've tried to replace you with anything I could think of, but it never worked.
It never worked because it wasn't you.
Then from time to time, I'd wonder if you remember me.
Remember what I'm like, my sense of humour, my favourite foods, the small promises we made to each other.
I hope I never forget how you made me feel, how happy you made me.
This joy I never got to feel since you left.
I miss that feeling.
I miss you.
The whole chapter of my life came to an end.
We were never possible anyway.
Not just the age gap, but the fact that I was of a gender she wasn't attracted to.
That was okay.
That's life.
And this, is a phase in my life I would never forget.
This is not a love story, but rather, a story about love.
END
authors note: This story took almost 3 years to complete. I created this story as a way to vent my feelings for my Sana. In the midst of the 3 years she did leave me. I'm more or less over her now but this story will always hold a special place in my heart. My words here are all sincere and when I was still so hung up on her I'd come here and write a few paragraphs, maybe a chapter. So here, it's finally the end! I'm sorry it took so long! Thank you for reading! (and shoutout to the readers who have been here since 2018, it's been a long journey wow)
—
i've created a new story titled "Still Pretty" :)