tw - very brief mention of suicidal thoughts
FEBRUARY 2018
For Elle, being back in her family house feels strange, and not in a good way.
Her two older brothers are moved out, and currently busy with work, while Elle and her parents are walking on eggshells around each other, not quite sure what to say.
When she and Alex has split up, Elle moved back into the family house, since being in her own apartment, full of memories with him, was far too painful.
Her parents never did like Alex, and for so long, Elle didn't believe there was a good enough reason for it; so when the pair broke up, they had little to no sympathy, and expected her to be unfazed.
She vividly remembers the day she decided to leave; she wasn't sure if she wanted to be alive anymore, let alone in a house that made her even more miserable.
It was shortly after Christmas, in the thick of winter, Elle had been going out for drive after drive, and the feeling of wanting to crash into nothingness was so over-whelming that she almost did; it wouldn't have been the first time she tried to do something like that in her lifetime, but she didn't go through with it.
She didn't go through with it because she couldn't, not with Waterparks playing quietly through her speakers; she thinks that maybe that's what saved her, but she never allows herself to think on that for too long.
Instead, she drove back home - though, the word home didn't quite seem to fit anymore.
She didn't know where she was supposed to be, or where she was supposed to go; so she continued her day mindlessly, mostly consisting of doing nothing, and feeling unbearably numb.
Until, her parents tried to persuade her into helping with starting on renovating their garden; they insisted there wasn't much to do, but it was the start of January, cold and wet, which didn't improve Elle's mood whatsoever.
They'd asked her to move a couple of buckets filled with old soil to the front of the house. She was reluctant, because of how often she knew Alex would pass in front of the house, or drive along the road outside; and with her luck, that was exactly what happened that day.
He was walking across the street, laughing loudly with his friends, almost mocking how miserable Elle was feeling, and it hurt more than she could explain, but she tried to burry it.
She dropped the buckets and headed to the back of the house, met with more tasks from her parents, which she clearly didn't have the energy for, all while trying to hold herself together.
Her body felt heavy, which got the better of her eventually, when she tripped over and fell, feeling her ankle twist beneath her.
Elle's parents helped her up, but brushed it off a lot quicker than she did, and were ready for her to carry on.
"Eleanor, can you just put in a little bit of effort?" Her father turned to her, aggressively gesturing with his hands as he always did, and Elle stared back, emotionless. "We're not asking you to do that much."
Her mother soon joined in with the lecture, and Elle let it go on, until she could practically feel her blood boiling; she didn't know if she wanted to collapse and have a breakdown, or scream and storm out - she went for the latter.
"I don't want to help you out with your fucking garden!" Elle finally snapped, being just loud enough that her neighbours probably heard her. "I'm so fucking done, with being here! You don't give a fuck, and I- I'm just done, fuck this," she turned around and left pushing through the pain of her ankle as she stomped away.
Elle's parents have been strict with her for as long as she can remember, and she's never had the courage to snap, or even stand up for herself whenever she felt things were unfair, because they always taught her that it was disrespectful; but at almost twenty two years old, she finally reached breaking point.
She left the house, but quickly realised she wouldn't be able to drive; she made it to the end of the street, limping heavily, before she broke down.
It didn't seem to cross her mind that she was in public, sobbing uncontrollably for at least twenty minutes; luckily for her, Taylor was still in the city after coming home for Christmas, and hadn't left to head back to Houston just yet, so she pulled her phone out to call her.
"Hey! You-" Taylor greeted her happily, but soon recognised the sniffling sound coming from the end of the line. "Elle, mate, what's wrong?"
"Can you-" she choked on a sob, trying to push her sentence out. "Can you come- help?"
"What? Yeah, of course, what's-"
"I saw Alex, they don't give a shit, I left the house, I've fucking sprained my ankle, can't drive and I can't fucking breathe," she cried harder and she could hear Taylor's car engine turning on.
"Okay, okay, I'm coming, don't worry," she replied, calmly. "I'll stay on the phone, just breathe, okay?"
Oblivious to the fact that Taylor couldn't see her, Elle nods in response, but she was pulling up in front of her within minutes.
She tried to push herself up from the ground, failing miserably, but Taylor was already out of the car, and ready to help her up.
Elle felt pathetic, for the way she had to be helped into the passenger seat, even though she doesn't think she could have done it by herself, even if she had the energy to try.
Taylor never fully asked what happened, not really - the vague cry for help was enough, which Elle is grateful for; she finds that Taylor is good at just knowing, and doesn't push her unless she knows she has to.
She'd brought Elle back to her own family's house, sitting her at the table as she iced Elle's ankle, resting it on her knee.
"I think I'm gonna go," Elle let out a breath, as she stared out of the kitchen window, biting the nail on her thumb.
Taylor looked up at her, with a blank expression, "where?"
"Maybe Houston, with you," she mumbles, her voice muffled against her hand, "if that's okay."
"Of course that's okay," Taylor gives her a soft look.
Elle finally looked at her, tears still fresh in her eyes. "I just can't stay here."
"I know," she nodded. "I'll help you out as much as I can," she offered her a small smile. "Or at least, as much as you want me to."
That night, Elle booked the flights, and within a week, she was gone.
The morning before she left, Alex had asked her for some of his things back; his hoodie, along with a bracelet he'd given to her when they first got together.
She met up with him before she was due to head to the airport, and cried so hard that it hurt; Elle collapsed into Taylor's arms, feeling like her heart was physically breaking, watching Alex walk away from her.
Now, today, being at 'home', almost felt wrong; Elle feels as if she still isn't supposed to be here, which is why she's confined herself to her old bedroom for the majority of her stay already.
Her parents have been working the whole time she has been back, so her trip would feel entirely pointless if it wasn't for the opportunity to see Waterparks play every other night.
The thought of being able to follow as many shows as she can on this tour is a nice distraction, and Elle can't wait to finally see her favourite band live.
The other positive of being back is the set up that remains in Elle's room; her two guitars and her small keyboard.
She didn't get the chance to bring her guitars with her when she left initially, so when she returns to Houston later this month, Elle is glad to be bringing her instruments back with her; along with a couple of notebooks that have been filled with writings and notes over the last few years.
Writing has been so therapeutic for Elle, when she has felt like there's been no one else to talk to; although, now, she feels like she's always got someone to talk to, for the first time in a really long time.
Awsten has been so understanding of how she feels, in a way that no one has been before. It feels nice to Elle, knowing that he's there, having gone through the same as her, only a couple of months prior - despite how much she hates that he's been through something that feels so awful.
He gives her this sense of comfort and hope, and he makes her want to be better.
As if he knows she's thinking about him, Elle's phone lights up with some texts from Awsten, a smile immediately spreading across her face.
//
awsten💪🏼
We're on the same
continent again!!
I just landed
You doing okay?
🎯
much better now i'm
talking to you:)
awsten💪🏼
You're cute, I will cry
fucking in this airport
Seriously though, is
everything okay?
🎯
being back here just
feels weird
can't wait to see you
awsten💪🏼
Me too :(
🎯
we're so dramatic
it's literally been like
a day
awsten💪🏼
You think I care about
being dramatic?
I'm used to you only being
a few minutes away
Not seeing you for more than
a day sucks ASS Elle
🎯
you're cute
stop it
because i will cry
awsten💪🏼
You can't stop me from
being cute
It's in my BONES
I just am cute
Don't cry though
🎯
i'll try not to
missing you tho
awsten💪🏼
I miss you
I'm being yelled at
🎯
what for?
awsten💪🏼
For texting you when Lucas
is trying to get us to go places
🎯
i don't want to be the reason
you get yelled at, everyone will
blame me that's not fair
i need to make a good
impression
awsten💪🏼
You've already made a
good impression
🎯
i'll still be here when
you get back
do what poor lucas
is telling you
awsten💪🏼
Okay FINE 😔
I miss you!
🎯
i miss you more
awsten💪🏼
Don't start that argument
with me Elle I swear to god
I'll have everyone drop everything
just so I can win
I miss you most
GOING NOW SO YOU CANT
SAY OTHERWISE BYE💕
//
ellewright
Devon, England
liked by awstenknight and 112 others
ellewright good morning to my guitar, and only my guitar. missed you dearly.
view all 12 comments
geoffparx omg does this mean you'll post covers again soon???
awstenknight WHAT ABOUT MY GUITAR, HUH? WHAT DID SHE EVER DO TO YOU?
↪️ellewright ok yours too, she's pretty
↪️awstenknight SHE THANKS YOU, SHE SAYS YOU'RE PRETTY TOO AND ALSO GOOD MORNING
taylormay play my favourite songs sexy girl
↪️ellewright you got it pretty lady
//