tw: blood and gore mentioned.
"Shouldn't you be bearing bad news to your cult?" Five spoke as he sipped the black coffee, hearing the floor creek from behind him.
"How'd you know it was me?" Lavender asked as she circled him to stand before him again, taking the extra coffee he poured.
"Picked up on a few things." he said with a shrug as Lavender cringed at the horrible taste but drank it anyways.
"Well, Klaus got us into it, he can get us out I suppose." the woman shrugged as she sat down on the couch, "Besides... figured I should be here with you."
"You're right, there's something I have to tell you." he said with a serious look, putting the mug down and sitting before her again.
"The Handler isn't dead? What the hell does this woman eat?" Lavender asked as she cleaned the small wound on Fives face after his fight, "And Diego's girlfriend is involved? Talk about bullshit."
"Very much bullshit." he spoke while holding back a pained look when Lavender whipped the bit of blood, "They won't stop until we're both dead."
"Well, it's been a while and neither of us are dead so.." she trailed off with a grin that he wanted to return but hide it, "What do we do now?"
"I'm going to see dad, get a few things straight for once." he spoke as Lavender nodded.
"I shouldn't come to that, should I?" she asked as he shook his head with a knowing look.
"Probably best if you don't, already confused enough with all of us.... i'll fill you in afterwards." Klaus said as Lavender shut the small first aid kit with a nod.
"I suppose I could go murder Diego's girlfriend." Lavender said as Five gave her a scoff.
"Hilarious." he spoke while nudging her shoulder.
"Possessed? He said he was possessed?" Lavender asked confused after Five returned, taking her hand and leading her to a nice hotel.
"In the elevator... said something about being possessed. Did this huge seizer thing at the table too, you would have loved it." Five spoke, telling Lavender all about the show her husband put on at the family meeting.
"How lovely of him." she sighed as they walked through the lobby, getting odd looks in the slightest, "Tell me why we're here, again?"
"You said you wanna start doing thing together again, right?" He asked while knocking on the door.
"Course." Lavender nodded before the door was pulled open in front of them.
The Handler.
"Not this bitch again." Lavender moaned as the woman smiled at the two.
"Ah! Just in time for a nightcap." she grinned while nodding for the two to walk in. Lavender and Five shared a look before they inched into her very large hotel room.
"Nice place you got going on here." Lavender spoke as she looked around at the expensive wall decorations and spaced area.
"Oh, it's divine. Pricy but completely worth it." the Handler said with a fake smile, one Lavender did not return.
"To be clear..." Five trailed off as he stood before her, "We take out the board... you get me and my family home."
"Including her?" Handler questioned while nodded toward Lavender who tried not to look confused to the situation.
"I said me and my family... that means her." Five spoke as Lavender bite back a grin.
"Yeah, how bout that bitch!" Lavender said awkwardly as Five sighed while pinching the bridge of his nose.
"No more doomsday, no more apocalypse. Is that correct?" Five asked again as the Handler walked farther to lean on her bed with a cigar in her mouth.
"That the deal." she smiled at the two as Five looked at Lavender for a moment.
"Then i'm in." he said with a sigh, "Lav?"
Lavender was hesitant, looking at Five then back at the Handler who was leaning on her bed with a smirk.
"I'm in."
"Jesus, this place, Five, it's like a straight cis white woman's dream to drop her kids off and have her affairs." Lavender spoke as she looked at the place the Handler had sent them to.
"Your mind is-" Five began before she cut him off.
"Brilliant? Beautiful? Bizarre?" she questioned while holding the door open for him.
"Sure, lets go with that." he said with a forced grin, "Excuse me?"
"Uff da! You snuck up on me." the lady at the counter said, her accent making Lavender hide a laugh.
"If you're looking for the cookies, we don't put 'em out till three- o'clock." the woman said with a point of her finger.
"What flavor?" Lavender asked hopefully as Five nudged her with a knowing look, "Right.., we're not here for the cookies, ma'am."
"Uh, do you happen to know where the Midwest Soybean Society is meeting?" Five asked hopefully, taking the lead on this one.
"Sure do. Musckellunge Banquet Room." she spoke in her accent while point behind her, "You looking for your mom? She in for the convention.... you look a bit young to be his mom."
"Hey! Don't hate on teen moms!" Lavender said to her with a intermediating look.
"Hey, could I get some change?" Five asked a he eyed the vending machine, holding out a few dollars as the lady took her eyes off Lavenders look to dig through her purse.
"Only a nickel and a couple of dimes. Oh! You... are.. in luck, mister." she said while laying a few in his hand, far from as much as the amount he'd given her.
"I don't believe in luck." Lavender spoke to the woman as Five scoffed next to her at the change.
"You know, some say the best luck is to die at the right time." Five said morbidly to the woman as she tried to keep the cheerful smile but was failing .
"Want anything?" Five asked as they neared the vending machine.
"I'm good, I ate all of Eliot's left overs before you picked me up." Lavender said as she leaned on the wall to watch him hum and look at the multiple sugary snacks in the vending machine before pushing the few coins in and hitting the button he wanted.
Lavender watched in amusement as Five's candy bar didn't fall, getting stuck. He hit the button over and over again, annoyed. Lavender continued to watch, counting down the moments it was gonna take for him to snap.
"3...2..1"
"Come on! Stupid! Fuckin' Fudge Nutter!" Five yelled as he sent his heel into the glass, breaking it as the people around them gapped at the sight.
"I change my mind... get me one too." Lavender said with a amusing grin, "As long as you're done with your hissy fit."
"Hilarious." he said while throwing one of the bars her way, out of breath.
The two walked farther toward the doors together, Five taking a finger to the cake and popping it in his mouth, "Pick your poison."
"What do you suppose i'm best at?" Lavender asked with a hum as she pretended to think before reaching into her jacket pocket, "And Diego thinks he's best at knifes."
"Good choice." Five spoke while going toward the axe on the wall and grasping it in his hands.
"Ready?" Lavender asked as Five hummed while they walked into the meeting, faces all turning to see the two with weapons looking at them.
"Wanna zigzag?" Lavender asked as Five laughed.
"Read my mind." he spoke before cutting the woman arm off that tried to call security.
"You think you'd all be smart by now." Lavender said as she went invisible, everyone panicking as the mans throat was suddenly sliced open and blood going all over the table.
"And you." Lavender hummed as she was visible again, standing on the table before a larger man with a red face, "Lovey go see you again."
Stabbed eye out.
"You've gotten better at that." Five said as he watched Lavender slice her final victims throat while he cut a mans skull in half.
"A little rusty but... damn does it feel good to be back." Lavender laughed from where she stood before him with blood all over her, much like Five did.
"She sent you, didn't she?" the man with the goldfish head asked as Five space jumped to stand before him.
"You got this one?" Lavender asked from the corner as she whipped the knife clean on her pant leg.
"Does it really matter now?" Five asked the goldfish with a smirk.
"Whatever she offered you, I will double it, triple it!" he panicked up at Five, hands shaking.
"Amateur." Lavender sing-songed from behind them.
"I'm not doing this for money!" Five yelled as he raised the axe before the same lady from the front desk attacked him off the table.
"Jesus, woman have to come save the day again." Lavender said as she stretched her arms before heading over.
"You're gonna pay for that vending machine, little mister!" the woman yelled while trying to hold him under her.
"He doesn't have to pay for anything, little mister." Lavender mocked as she yanked the woman by her hair back, pulling her toward the window before she turned to Five, "Go end this."
Five nodded before he space jumped to the goldfish man while Lavender held the ladies head out the window as she begged for mercy, telling her how she'd never make them pay for the vending machine ever again.
"Lav?" Five called out moments later as he stood at the doorway, watching her continued to hold the woman's front half out the window.
"It's done?" she asked while looking back at him, the blood drying to her face as the metallic smell filled the air. Five nodded as Lavender elbowed the woman in the face to knock her out before she walked to Five, joining bloody hands and leaving the location together.
•
kylie speaks.
oh how i missed
writing for my
badass, assassin
besties!
stan murdering
lav for clear
skin.