Life on the road was amazing. (A bit of an understatement) The Rowdy 3 made Amanda feel wanted, and more importantly, alive.
Years of being a shut-in were not good for her mental health. Her only friend her brother, and while she was thankful for him and loved him, it wasn't the same as having friends. And when her brother finally got friends Amanda could be friends with, he revealed the truth. That he never had pararibulitis, that he drained his parents of their money, that he broke up the band because he stole their instruments and sold them, that he was just all around-for lack of better words-a DICK.
And while she had, for the most part, forgave him, he was a different person, after all, that was the problem. She felt like she didn't know him. The only thing that had changed about him was he got rid of all the bad parts, and yet it still felt like he had tricked her-which he did-but tricked her into believing he was a totally different person.
But she wanted to let him try, so she visited him. But when she did visit last week? He spent the entire time with Dirk! Which was sort of her fault, she had made him confess his feelings but she didn't exactly expect that outcome.
The thing was, Todd Brotzman doesn't do relationships. He's very casual about them normally. A few dates here and there, kisses and sex every once and a while, but he didn't do love. He would always put himself first, he only did those things when he "had the time"-which was almost never-or when it was convenient for himself. In truth, she didn't think he had ever really, actually, fully, truly, been in love before. She knew Dirk was different, and she had hoped he would fall in love with him, she probably even knew it, but she just didn't expect Todd to dive in headfirst. She didn't expect Todd to pour all his love and attention onto the man, spend every waking moment with him. She more expected him to dip his toes in the water first, go on a date, make out a bit, but be mostly friendly with Dirk until something happened... but she didn't know what that thing was. Maybe that was the flaw in her thinking.
Dirk made Todd happy in a way she had never seen him. He truly did love him. Truly, fully, actually, really.
Dirk made Todd smile, he made Todd laugh, he made Todd cry-in a good way, he never ever cries and Amanda actually found it worrying. He made Todd feel again. If she had to trace down the moment he became his grumbly grump self, she'd pin it to middle school. Ah yes, hell.
Their aunt had just gotten pararibulitis. She had always been significant to their life. Almost a second mother. She was there for them when they fell off their bike, or got rejected, or failed an important test. And it killed Todd to see her in pain. It killed both of them.
But Todd was older than Amanda, he understood the world better, he was more mature, and the kids at his school? They also knew more, but not enough.
It was at a school talent show, he was playing guitar, when something happened and his aunt went into an attack in front of the whole school. And since that day, no one would ever let Todd live down the fact that he had a "crazy" aunt.
It started with words and names, but it quickly escalated after Todd had decided he had enough of this bullshit, and he got physical. A slap, a single slap. But that slap was returned, and not as a slap but as kicks and punches. And he never again did or said anything to them, but they continued relentlessly for years.
By sophomore year he didn't feel anymore. By junior year he became cold. By senior year he became vengeful. And by college? You know the rest.
"You ok, 'Manda?" Martin's voice pulled Amanda out of her deep thoughts.
"Yeah, fine." She turned to face him from the passenger's seat.
"Come on, don't lie to us." Gripps perked up from the back. "We can smell it."
"Yeah, all that negative energy-" Vogel added enthusiastically.
"Real tasty smelling!" Cross finished his statement.
"Ok, fine." But only for Vogel. She reached up to grab the cigarette box that sat on the dash. "I'm just thinking."
"Bout' what?" Martin asked.
"Todd." She held a cigarette to her mouth and lit it with a sharp inhale.
"What'd that asshole do now?!" Cross yelled.
"Nothing, actually." She turned her head over her shoulder to face the rest of the group. "He's actually doing really well. He's the happiest I've seen him in a long time." She turned her head back to the empty road ahead. Grey sky over the empty fields on either side of them.
"Then why the negative energy?" Martin growled under his breath. If anyone did anything to their Drummer, there would be hell to pay.
"It's just," she exhaled the smoke from her lungs forcefully, here comes a rant. "He's dating D-I-R-K now." She didn't want Beast to throw a fit over her Bibbit dating someone else, despite her insistence she was over it. "And I set them up, but I didn't expect them to be so... clingy? I don't know. It's just, I gave up a weekend with you guys to hang out and talk to him and what do I get? Them making out on the couch, at the agency, in the Jeep. Him spending 3 hours one day with him doing God knows what and another 3 hours the next day on a date! And when they weren't together they were texting."
"Wow, ok. Was not expecting that." Gripps said. "Wanna talk?"
Martin made a sharp turn into the field and everyone grabbed onto the nearest object to keep from falling over while he found a clearing. He suddenly broke and opened the side van door. "You know the rules, ain't no feelings in the van!" Beast immediately got out and started running around, Cross quickly followed.
"You started it!" Vogel picked at him.
"Well, I didn't know it was gonna be a whole 'thing'!" He snarled, "You wanna talk feelings? Get out outta the van. This is a no feelings zone."
Gripps rolled his eyes and reluctantly got out. "You commin', Amanda?"
"Yeah, whatever." She opened the passenger door and hopped out.
"Hey, I'm always here to talk," he said.
"The Brotzmans don't do feelings." She responded.
"Haha," he chuckled, "You fit in real nicely here."
"That's the thing!" She sat down on a rock. "This is my home now. I love it. It's perfect."
"But?" He sat down next to her.
"But I gave up a weekend with you guys for that stupid ass and he didn't even pay attention to me! I wanted to go there to let him fix things and instead he spent the whole time with his stupid boyfriend."
"You said you set them up?"
"Yeah but-"
"I think you're blaming yourself. You think that it's your fault he isn't talking to you. Sure it was you who set them up and so there's that part, but you blame yourself for all your problems."
"I'm not doing this." She tried to get up but Gripps pulled her back down.
"We're doing this."
"We're not doing this."
"Oh, we're doing this."
"I'm going to go dance with them," She pointed to Beast, Cross, and Vogel poorly dancing to "Dead!" by MCR and stood up. "Want to come with?"
"No, we're doing this." She sighed and sat back down. "What do you blame yourself for?"
"I don't know, dude!"
"Think." He tapped his finger to his temple.
"I was gullible." She sighed.
"This is good, this is good. What were you gullible about?"
"Todd."
"What about though?"
"Believing he had pararibulitis."
"Ok, now we're getting somewhere! But you can't blame yourself for that. How were you supposed to know? He's an ass."
She laughed. "He is."
"But you feel guilty. About something."
"No, I don't!" She stood up again. "Martin?! Got any more cigs?!"
He rolled his eyes at her, "You put yourself in this one, Drummer. Get yourself out." She sat back down and flipped him off, to which he responded by, of course, flipping her off.
"What do you feel guilty about?" Gripps asked again.
She took a deep breath, "Ok. This is going to sound stupid." He nodded reassuring her that it wasn't. "I feel like I pushed him away...? I don't know, man. He's trying so hard, and he clearly has changed, and he wants to fix things and shit man, I do too. But yet I feel like I still can't trust him. Like, what if there's other shit he lied to me about? I know there isn't, but it still sits there in my head. And I know I can't feel like that forever but I can't help it. He betrayed me, damn it! But... I feel guilty about it. That's why I ignored him for eight months after things got better in Wendimoore." He looked at her confused, "Canada." He threw his head back and nodded to emphasize his understanding.
"See? Not so hard. But you need to know that it's ok to feel hurt. You're likely going to feel betrayed by him for the rest of your life and you know what?"
"What?"
"FUCK HIM!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, "FUCK TODD!"
The rest of them all joined, "FUCK TODD!"
She smiled, "Fuck Todd."
"You can still have a relationship with him, you can still have a good one, but he fucked up, and he fucked up real bad, and you know what else? You don't have to forgive him. You never have to. You can stay mad at him for it until you die. But what you do need to do is find new things to be happy about with him. And us, mostly us, screw him. But what I'm saying is, make new memories. Ones you know are real."
"Thank you, Gripps." She leaned over to hug him. "I needed that."
"Any time, Drummer." He returned the hug with a pat on her back.
Martin began walking over to them, "You done talkin' feelings? 'Cause we've got fun to have." He extended a hand to Amanda, "Put this song on for ya, thought you might need a good 'fuck you' song. It's almost over but still."
She took his hand as he pulled her into a hug and lifted her off the ground.
Have you heard the news that you're dead
No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway
Dancing to just the song she needed to hear at that moment.
Oh take me from the hospital bed
Wouldn't it be grand
To take a pistol by the hand
And wouldn't it be great if we were dead
She loved these guys so much, they understood her, they cared about her, they respected her.
And in my honest observation
During this operation
Found a complication
In your heart, so long
Gripps was right. It was ok if she was mad at him. She had every fucking right to be.
'Cause now you've got
Maybe just two weeks to live
Is that the most the both of you can give?
He screwed her and their family over, he was a bullshit person back then.
One two,
One two three four
Keywords: back then.
La la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
Well come on
La la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
Oh motherfucker
"OH MOTHER FUCKER!" They all screamed back at the music.
If life ain't just a joke (La la la la la)
Then why are we laughing? (La la la la la la)
If life ain't just a joke (La la la la la)
Then why are we laughing? (La la la la la la)
She could still be mad at him and still have a good relationship with him. She, to put it frankly, didn't really consider that an option before.
If life ain't just a joke (La la la la la)
Then why are we laughing? (La la la la la la)
If life ain't just a joke (La la la la la)
Then why am I dead?
Dead
As the song ended she spun in place until she realized that the Rowdies stopped dancing and stood completely still.
"You boys smell that?" Martin said, eyes to the sky.
"Oh yeah, it's intense," Cross replied.
"Something really, really bad is going to happen," Gripps added.
"Real bad," Vogel said. "See anything, Boss?"
Her visions were more vivid and her episodes were slowly leaving actually. She was now able to see on-demand, well, see on-demand better.
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and searched her mind, searched the cosmos. Body on earth, roots flowing with energy from the earth's core spreading from her feet. Mind wandering, blue threads of light extending from her head.
The first thing she saw was a monster. A giant, pink, horned, worm monster, then a house, an old, decaying, mansion. She then saw a sign, "Ocean Hill, Louisiana." And then...
Todd.
But he wasn't ok. No, he was screaming, sobbing. Dirk held Todd tight, also crying. As her mind drifted back to Earth, she heard him say, no, scream something. Something that brought tears to her eyes.
"AMANDA!" He cried.
"We're going to Louisiana. Todd's in trouble."
AN
Did I just write Todd a backstory? Yes, yes I did.
Also, "Don't Panic", our beans are safe